1. There's a formula. It doesn't matter if the non-custodial parent is working or not. Child support is calculated on the number of children, then the average historical income of the NCP (if they've never had a job and don't have any advanced education or certs/licenses, it's usually minimum wage) and the income (or earning potential/historical income) of the custodial parent if the child is school age (prior to the child being old enough for school the custodial parent's income is NOT a factor in calculating child support). And yes. If the NCP isn't working and can't pay, the arrears (usually) accrue from the date of filing. If the custodial parent has to file for TANF or WIC, the NCP will be required to repay the money for those benefits.

  2. IN THE UNITED STATES, the state does NOT pay child support to the custodial parent in the absence of payments from the non custodial parent. The ONLY way the NCP would owe the State is if the custodial parent filed for benefits... Welfare, TANF, WIC, etc... And received said benefits from the government while the NCP was failing to make payments. Once (If!) payments resume* the state takes reimbursement for the benefits the custodial parent received in the past off the top of the ongoing child support payments received from the NCP.

  3. It won't change much for me personally, since I'm infertile to begin with and menopausal now anyway. But it is going to affect how I feel about my partners' choices regarding efforts to prevent causing pregnancy in their partners; my NP has danced around the idea of a vasectomy for years, and this will likely push him all the way through making that decision. My DH hasn't been tested, but we're fairly certain HE isn't fertile either, but I'm going to have a conversation about what measures he plans to take and whether he'd be open to a vasectomy as well. We shall see. But overall, we're mostly of an age where this won't affect our day to day choices re:ENM much at all.

  4. do you think that's implied.. she's preggo, it takes 2 to tango.

  5. If her friend is *that* emotional about her dating her brother, then yes, language is going to matter here. OP needs to ensure that friend understands this isn't a matter of her seducing friend's brother, but a mutual, adult relationship that happened consensually.

  6. NTA. I've been married 26 years, and we've known each other for almost 35 years. And, y'know, I STILL can't read his fucking mind.

  7. Ugh. I think I like people using pop evo psychology excuses to justify OPP even less than I like them using it to justify cheating, nonmonogamy in general, or dude bros who read "Sex at Dawn" and come away with the message of "monogamy's just not natural, man" 🙄

  8. These are the same dude bros who read the Gor books (or worse yet, just stumble on Gorean lifestyle fan-porn) and decide *that's* the natural order of things and jump into kink all "I'm Sir SuperAlphaDomly MasterMan, all women are slaves beneath me!"

  9. Octapharma on O'Neal or BioLife on Coursey are the two best... They're clean, fast, friendly and consistent. Avoid Grifols on Airline at all costs... They're currently advertising slightly higher bonus rates than the other two, but it's not worth it. It's miserable there.

  10. Oh man! Before I forget! Khans Mongolian on Pinhook is INSANELY good. Super fresh; tastes amazing. Great spot for lunch.

  11. I love Ghengis Grill in Dallas, so when Khan popped up, I got so excited. We tried it when it first opened and were very underwhelmed, though. I hope it's better, and I'm kind of hearing that it is, but it was NOT good when we first tried it.

  12. I'll throw Zorba's name in the ring. Never hear anybody talking about it but they have some amazing food there! Not just their Greek food, imho you have to try the Philly BBQ Steak Sandwich, it's to die for.

  13. I loathe Zeus and I'm from BR, so finding someplace in Lafayette that was on par (for me) to Albasha has been a goal. I *love* Zorba's!

  14. This! This was SUCH a lightbulb moment for me when I realized I didn't really *miss* my family, I missed what they *should've* been, what I *wish* they'd been. Honestly, that relegated that weird occasional ache (the one that SO strongly conflicts with the relief and peace that came with NC) to the realm of how I feel when I put a book down that I've been super immersed in... I miss the world, I miss the characters, but in the end, they're NOT REAL, and I have to go back to my real life, which honestly is pretty great.

  15. Thanks! I'm glad it did... it took a lot of hard work to get here, but I'm in a good place these days. It's absolutely my bio fam's loss that they don't get to see it. :^)

  16. Lulz, hilarious. Also a Scadian, though not a very hardcore one. I mostly just go to Pennsic. I'll talk to some friends and check it out! Thank you!

  17. I was in the SCA a long time ago and left for a myriad of reasons... I didn't get to my first Pennsic until literally decades after I'd left, lol. I've now been twice and it was everything I'd imagined. Gulf Wars here is *great*, and it's grown a LOT SINCE its muddy, barbaric (and, ironically enough, probably MUCH more historically accurate, lmao) infancy, but I don't know it'll ever be the juggernaut that is Pennsic.

  18. I've wanted to go to GW but I'd have to fly down and I don't now that I could camp for weeks without all my stuff. I pretty much have a 16x18 efficiency apartment at pennsic.

  19. GW isn't NEARLY as long as Pennsic, lol, which IS helpful if you did want to try. Iirc, GW is only a week, which might make it more doable if you're inclined. And there ARE some permanent encampments out there now, which is delightful if you know someone, but that's potentially workable if you reach out to the local kingdom (I'm in Gleann Abhann, and I think GW is hosted by the same; if it's not, it's Meridies. I forget, lol... back when I was in the SCA here, Gleann Abhann didn't exist and we were all still Meridies) and baronies here and see if anyone might be interested in hosting a visitor. Regardless, GW is a LOT of fun, and since it's a VERY pared down version of Pennsic, it can feel a lot more... accessible in a lot of ways than Pennsic, y'know?

  20. While my husband and I don't have children, both of our other committed partners do. My nesting partner's kids are older (23M and 16F respectively), and my DH's gf (my metamour) has younger kids, though not so little as to be unaware (11 and 13, I think, both M). All four kids know we're poly... All of the kids were told from the outset (both of our relationships are around 5 years, NP and I are approaching 6), as age appropriately as possible, that their parent's partner had another partner. We've ALL met each other's partner's kids.

  21. I am at least friendly with most everyone currently in my life with whom I've shared physical intimacy, and most I'd consider actual friends. But just like with romantic partnerships, friendships can wax and wane as well. I have one close friend who has been an FWB off and on for years. His wife and family are amazing, my husband is super close friends with him as well. MY contact with him is steady, if sporadic. He lives in the same city where I share a home with my DH, but I live in *two* cities, so I'm not always there. My sexual relationship with him came after the friendship, and is honestly fun but the least important part of our dynamic. It's just something fun we can and do share when we're able to.

  22. I'm white. I was born in the US and speak English. I lost a long-time friend once for calling her out for this exact, racist, xenophobic bullshit... we were in Barnes and Noble, killing time until a movie started, and a lovely young woman of color walked past us, speaking on her personal cell phone in a language that was not English (my ear picked up some Hispanic dialect, but beyond that I don't know enough to specify which). My friend legitimately stopped and confronted this stranger and told her she needed to "speak English since she was in America." The young woman was flabbergasted and speechless, and I grabbed my friend and yanked her physically away and proceeded to unload on her. I told her that the language that person was speaking on her personal cell phone in a public space was none of her business and that if she felt SO comfortable in her bigoted, bullshit, racist views she could go the fuck home and stay there. There was a significant rant involved; I can't lie, I was SO dumbstruck that a friend I'd known since middle school could be such a bigot that I lost my shit. Our husbands (who were friends from high school) found us and my husband separated us and took me home. But my friendship with her ended that day, and I know it irreparably damaged my husband's friendship with HIS friend (he agrees with me, so it wasn't a *thing* between us but still).

  23. She acts completely different with him around. He sees a fraction of what i see. When he is around, she’s a typical 4yo. Only the normal fits. But when he’s gone, she becomes a completely different child. I also see the difference in her when she visits his family. It’s like pulling the mask off of the ghosts in Scoobie doo episodes. Her differences around certain people are frankly startling. But I’m simply crazy because those people only ever see the mask she presents them with. So I don’t exactly get back up on this.

  24. I've read all your replies; this child *desperately* needs to be in therapy. Yes, there are pediatric therapists for children as young as 4. This behavior is not *just* a lack of parenting by her father (though there are some BIG changes that need making ASAP to save this child, and him stepping up and parenting his child is one of them) and you being "mean mommy;" this child very likely has serious trauma from her bio mother's shitty choices and the manipulation she's experienced from her BM's family.

  25. I know the “mean mommy” comes from their manipulative ways. One of those ways was absolutely no boundaries or consequences for any of the kids. Simply she was never told no and then praised for misbehaving for us. It’s why she doesn’t see them any longer. We were trying to be kind. But we weren’t completely stupid. And I have mentioned therapy for her more than once. It’s one of those things that for some reason gets pushed to the back burner. I’ve also mentioned I won’t marry him without couples/marriage counseling. He gets frustrated when I bring that fun fact up. Honestly I’m starting to not see a great outcome for this relationship. I love the man, but I will not lose myself for anybody. The troubling part is we have a house together. If it weren’t for that, I’d have no problem. I’d simply be done. But the house makes me feel like I need to try harder and maybe be a little forgiving/less set in my own ways.

  26. I totally get that you're enmeshed and that leaving isn't simple. But I work in education and I have a kid in my middle school program right now who has a VERY similar sounding background to your SD. You do NOT want your 4 year old to continue like this and end up like this 11 year old child. By the time she's old enough to realize she can manipulate her father this way, it'll be MUCH more difficult to rectify the behavior.

  27. I feel like there must be more to this. I speak from experience when I say that people don’t just suddenly choose to estrange themselves from their entire family on a whim, or normally because someone else is influencing them. There are normally many years of reasons that build up to a decision like this.

  28. I find it far more likely that ex-wife simply supported the brother here, and validated the things he was already feeling. My husband did exactly that; he had ZERO influence over whether or not to go no contact with my bio family, but his validation helped me SEE just how imbalanced my family's treatment of my younger, golden child sister versus how they treated me really was. When I was done, he supported that decision, and, conversely, when I decided to open up to limited contact after an emergency with my stepfather, he supported me in that decision as well... and resumed his usual vigilance and support on my behalf while I navigated contact again. When I cut them out for good, he stepped up as usual, never wavering in his support.

  29. Thank you. My mom used to always say that. You made you bed/lie in it anytime I made a mistake. She was full of little pearls of wisdom like that.

  30. My mother said these and "they're just hurt feelings. they'll grow back"

  31. Huh??? This makes zero sense. Did she share whatever it is she was smoking or snorting?

  32. Pot and opiates, and no. I think it was just her attempt at what she thought was a humorous way of telling me to 'get over it'.

  33. I'm a step dad of 10 years. I have a 17 year old step daughter. And 10 year old son.

  34. I'm assuming you know, but in case you haven't been told, while BPD (and other cluster B personality disorders) are actual issues in emotional brain processing/functioning, they *are* both often genetic and born of generational trauma... So it's not surprising your wife may exhibit signs of BPD as well. I'd be surprised to learn one or both of her parents *didn't* have some sort of PD, too. My mother, while not officially diagnosed, to my knowledge, shows all of the classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder, as does my sister. We were *all* abused by my maternal grandmother, who had a LONG history of mental health crises (we don't know what her diagnoses or official issues were; it's a deeply held secret in her family, and we were, frankly, lucky to learn about it at all). My mother is adopted, and while there's no genetic tie to Cluster Bs between her and my grandmother, the abuse definitely triggered/caused something, and since meeting and speaking with some of her bio family that I've found, they ALL have mental health struggles, some worse than others, so I can see where my mother had a propensity.

  35. I feel like this is very concerning, especially given the complete *absence* of teasing at first, then it appears out of the blue, makes you feel bad, AND you've addressed it and he refuses to stop... He also diminishes his repetitions of the behavior with platitudes and apologies... An apology is ONLY worthwhile if it is *also* accompanied by *changed behavior*.

  36. I agree. The out of the blue thing is what's most concerning. I'm just surprised he waited almost a whole year for this nonsense. Usually they start showing their colors between 3 and 6 months.

  37. Fair enough about your mother... Honestly, though, my mother hating my partners was kind of a barometer (at least now in hindsight) as well... if she hated them, then in her mind they could feasibly undermine her control over me and "take me away from her," and ultimately every single one of them had VERY toxic traits and some were outright abusive as well.

  38. The bartender who trained me at my first bar gig in New Orleans swore by bitters in ginger ale. Ginger is a proven remedy for nausea, and I've seen bitters in tonic for indigestion, but I gotta tell you, bitters taste WAY better in ginger ale than in tonic, lol.

  39. So, I do. But my situation is super complicated... My mother was adopted as a baby by my grandparents... My grandmother was SUPER crazy; apparently, she kept a LOT of past shit super hidden for a long time until they tried to adopt through Catholic services. Her family (apparently) confessed to my grandfather that she'd been institutionalized more than once in her adolescence... you hadta be a special kind of broken for the Catholic Church to refuse to give you a baby in the 50s, seriously. Anyway, somebody in my grandfather's extended family knew someone pregnant and needing to place a baby, so they hired an attorney and "bought" my mother. Absolutely private adoption, completely sealed records, ALL birth documents altered (my grandparents are on my mother's birth certificate as the birth parents); cost my grandparents all of their savings, from what I can gather.

  40. I have the ginormous unglazed roasting pan from Pampered Chef that someone gave me a long time ago. It's massive, so all I've ever done in it is roast meat, though it works beautifully for that. Be prepared for whatever you cook in it to "leave it's mark," as it were; it's impossible to get the baked-in marks out. I haven't had a gas range or oven in a long time; I've never tried using it on my stovetop, but it works just fine in my electric ovens, both the traditional one I had for years, and the convection oven I have now.

  41. When my husband and I celebrated our 1st anniversary, we were seriously dead broke... we'd both switched jobs and, while we were both a lot happier, we were making a LOT less money. My husband is NOT the best gift-giver, but that year, he knocked it out of the park... He was (at the time) a chef, so he made dinner for us and after dinner we curled up on our back porch and watched the stars with the wine leftover from dinner (I get you're sober, but bear with me, lol, the wine isn't the important bit), and he gave me his gift. We'd agreed *not* to do gifts, but he said he saw it and it was perfect... and it was.

  42. Awww I love that. Thank you for sharing! I hope you have had many lovely anniversaries since. That’s me too, with the job. I just (3 days ago) started this non-profit job I’ve wanted for years but I don’t make a ton lol. Plus my rent is going up by $200 :/ until I move. I was trying to think of something to make him!! He’s a great cook. This gives me ideas for sure!

  43. As of this past March, we've celebrated 26 anniversaries, 27 if you count the first-date one... For *that* one, he actually made me cry. I'm not super sentimental and we were planning the wedding at the time, so I forgot our first date anni. To be clear, we started dating in January 1995, and got married barely a year later in March 1996. So our first date anni was RIGHT before the wedding and I'd just gotten a bit of a promotion where I worked... I was busy, y'know? Anyway, one of my coworkers brought me a fax off the machine and said, "I think this is for you."

  44. When you say your inlaws are amazing, what do you mean? Can you describe what your interactions are like?

  45. My mother in law, specifically, has *always* treated me like family... that adage about not losing a son but gaining a daughter? That's how my mother in law looks at it. She doesn't just talk the talk, either. From day one, she opened her home to me, supported not just her son and I as a couple/unit, but me in my personal endeavors, too... she gave me a recommendation for a job (not once, but twice!) to get me out of the shitty retail one I was working. She's always made it clear that I'm welcome to her time and her friendship and her love. All things anyone who is NOT a toxic, abusive shit bag should do, y'know?

  46. You don't say how old your daughter is, just that she's "old enough" to decide if she wants contact with the ex herself.

  47. Thanks for this ! I am totally going to borrow some of your lines here.

  48. We've used Shibari for a long time and love it. It's not flavored, but it does NOT taste gross like a lot of lubes, which is a big plus for me.

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