1. It's a bit of a mind reading exercise for sure. But I think if you hurt HIM, there's a good chance he might actually want you to pester him and to show him how much you miss him. He might use your ability to do no contact as evidence you don't care. But hey, he also might use it to comfort himself and make no contact easier for himself.

  2. Smart people got out of the music business and got real jobs after Napster. So gear had to get easy again. And programmable microprocessors and analogue to digital.conversion chip sets got dirt cheap and smaller so what you needed a rack for before could fit into a pedal by 2010 for $150.00

  3. It’s also biological. Male sex has a penis and testes, female sex has a vagina with ovaries. This isn’t hard to grasp nor is it up for interpretation. That’s the norm.

  4. Intersex humans can have both male and female gametes. So the scientific criteria for male and female phenotypes is not solely dependent on genitalia. I feel like you might be new to this topic?

  5. Well I know what convention dictates but why is that relevant? Aren't we discussing edge cases?

  6. Basing classifications on the basis of genetics isn't entirely arbitrary.

  7. Nope. Again, a Y chromosome is ALMOST good enough. However, in cases of total androgen insensitivity we designate that person a female.

  8. From a data analysis perspective, a negligible number of edge cases isn't a valid reason to throw out a classificaiton method.

  9. I never suggested throwing out the definition of male and female. I was simply pointing out that biological sex is a human construct. A very useful.construct. but useful because we have agreed on a set of parameters that can determine biological sex in all cases. But a construct nonetheless. To suggest it expresses some sort of objective reality beyond that consensus agreement is indefensible though.

  10. That's a pretty Narcissistic train of thought. I always wished my exes would be happy... because ya know, I loved them. Whatever you feel right now isn't love at all. You sound like someone who lost their supply.

  11. This sounds more like a Dismissive leaning FA (lost his Dad at 2), possibly with other issues towards women due to enmeshment with Mom. FA's have a lot more trauma in their background than DA's (as you likely know <3) and they can swing towards narcissism if raised by a narc parent and become the "golden child" (As mentioned by another poster).

  12. Narcissistic personality disorder is a cluster B personality disorder. I don't see that the two are related either. Avoidant personality disorder is the cluster B personality disorder more closely resembling dismissive avoidance. But attachment style is not a personality disorder.

  13. The biggest DAs you know are married? That's really interesting. Do their marriages seem like happy ones as far as you can tell? My brother is a strong DA and finally got married at the age of 51 to his girlfriend of 15 years, but their dynamic wouldn't work for most people and she's even more avoidant than he is somehow.

  14. One is happy and one marriage is weirdly long distance. One divorced when the kids reached high-school. They are all very monogamous though.

  15. omg yes this happened to me. he told me all the possible cliches: “it’s not you it’s me” “i thought it would be different, i thought i would be ready” “you deserve someone who loves you the same way you love” “don’t ever blame yourself for anything, it’s all me” “i deserve to be alone…i deserve to be in a dark whole…and you deserve absolutely everything” “i don’t feel the ‘spark’ anymore” blah blah. i’m still trying to understand it myself. i’m super confused. how could he not see everything i did for him, how did that make him love me even less? it makes absolutely no sense.

  16. Assume he is telling the truth. Part of love is wanting the best for someone.

  17. Climate change won't make humans extinct. It'll just fuck over the poorest parts of the world and make life significantly harder for everyone

  18. True. It's the ensuing nuclear war and nuclear winter caused by mass migration and starvation that will end the human race. Rising sea levels are unlikely to kill many people.

  19. I've always wanted to try not having a clue how my system of government works.

  20. Don’t even tell him that you had a moment of weakness. I would just go back to no contact, no explanations.. and try your very best to match the same energy he gives.

  21. That is such an unhealthy strategy.. Pretend not to care? You really just suggested that? Why? Does appearing to love someone or miss someone diminish a person? Are you a red pill dating coach?

  22. Nope, just an anxiously attached human myself learning from my own on and off situationship

  23. You gave really solid advice IF the OP decided that the relationship was not worth preserving. I read it as though they were not ready to walk away.

  24. I would say I want fewer nebulous questions like that one. It's obviously a test of some kind - with some sort of hidden marking scheme. There's an answer you are looking for and I only get rewarded if I read your mind and say precisely what you want to hear. I would say ask me a direct question if you want a direct answer. Or ask me for reassurance if that's what you need. Get in touch with your anxiety and form it I to words. Tell me directly what you need and be prepared to hear yes, no or I don't know.

  25. Three dates in a week - so clearly not an avoidant. That's why you're turned off.

  26. I am an FA leaning anxious (have mostly been with partners more avoidant than me, so I get triggered and active way more) but makes sense because my mom is has NPD, my dad was more nurturing, but still wasn’t totally there - so I would say my is anxiously is on mother wounds, but I am sure my father have also been triggered it as well, for her taking on me the anger/frustration and all the dysregulation she had in their relationship on me, he never tried to stop his “mistakes” or would easily be caught and I would be the scape goat of it, the mirroring and emeshement she had with me was extreme.

  27. Yeah that would have taught you how to put up with a lot of subtle abuse. So you can handle a partner who is avoidant. You learned to live with less. So picking someone who is shitty removes a few anxieties you might have with someone nice - you feel more comfortable setting the few boundaries you need to set - and you reassure yourself deep down that you're too good for them and they'll know it on some deep level and thus be far less likely to leave you. Broken people allow you to relax a bit at first. And at first, you convince yourself that IF they left you, you could probably comvince yourself that THEY had made a terrible mistake and you could do better. So that removes 60% of your anxiety. And it feels "right". It allows you to feel brave enough to activate and start seeing their "good" qualities and then bang your dopamine and oxytocin kicks in.

  28. Nope. Attachment is largely a strategy developed in childhood to get your needs met. Some learn that if they run to their parents asking and begging for attention they will get it - and they are Anxious preoccupied. Others learn that looking needy will get them rebuffed and that they have to just stay quiey keep ti to themselves and their parents will seek them out and provide affecrion in that quiet withdrawn state - those are dismissive avoidants. And originally that was the test that Mary Ainsworth developed for children.

  29. I'd say 30 to 60 days is adequate time to be apart and try again. But have some goals.

  30. If a partner is withdrawing then your anxiety is real and justified, it's not a manifestation of an attachment style. Irrational anxiety is a problem not rational anxiety.

  31. It means that they are in love with you, care about you and are contemplating whether or not they have the capacity to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

  32. Withdrawing sex is a really subversive subconscious response to enmeshment and resentment for not setting boundaries or withdrawing when we wanted to. You are not asexual. Someone is born asexual.

  33. I am aware of narcissist checklists and behaviours, having been in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic one in the past, long before this. I am angry and lashing out, and i am referring to this context alone, self indulgent, or selfish, might be more appropriate in the context in which i was speaking.

  34. Okay cool. You can hate him if you need to. Your job is to deactivate and get your equilibrium back. I just have an awful habit of needing to correct the internet.

  35. I completely understand, i usually would also be the one in your shoes, i am always understanding, always preaching that definitions matter especially in this day and age etc. But sometimes its also important to be mad. I lashed out and flippantly used a term, ok i accept that. I take responsibility for that, and my attachment style or past trauma doesnt exclude me from taking responsibility. Same for him. He has trauma, he is dismissive avoidant. But he also was a giant, self indulgent jerk who led me on, and he knew what he was doing when he was doing it.

  36. Oh you have zero to apologize for or explain. I knew you knew better but I was just thinking of someone reading this thread months from now. My internet OCD.

  37. He was fearful avoidant. Not dismissive avoidant. The switch from super affectionate and stable and loving to completely cold when triggered is very FA. Dismissive avoidants typically wouldn't refuse to see you. That would appear TOO emotional. A dismissive avoidant would try hard to not look or act weird when breaking up. A dismissive avoidant would fade slowly and you'd feel them disconnecting over time. Fearful avoidants are hot and then stone cold with a speed that rattles your reality.

  38. hi, can i just further clarify does it mean FA are like two extremes? at the start super passionate but can suddenly switch off?

  39. And yep - a fearful avoidant fears rejection and abandonment, and often presents as anxious preoccupied. But when triggered starts behaving like a dismissive avoidant. The rapid switch can make you question your ability to navigate interpersonal relationships and leave you pretty traumatized.

  40. I suggest googling Thais Gibson fearful avoidant. She has a comprehensive collection of videos dealing with all attachment styles and specific relationship dynamics. Because her clinical practice is as a couples therapist she's able to provide insight into the interplay between attachment styles.

  41. The following is my opinion, yet it is not an uninformed one - just a different one than yours ( I think ):

  42. A point mutation in a single cell doesn't equate to anything you can call consciousness. You're talking about the chemical alteration of a single nucleotide in a chain of 3 billion. In computational terms that doesn't equate to the faintest of neurological responses. Even if there was a neuron present. Which there isn't. There's no DNA network across which signal is flowing. There are no dendrites or axons or synapses. And if you want to argue potentiality, then the fertilized ovum has barely any more discernible potentiality than any sperm. It's just such a baffling argument you're making. Sincerely baffling. To equate a point mutation or translocation or inversion in a DNA sequence to computational power is astonishingly weird.

  43. No you're just not into secure people. APs generally aren't. You like the chase.

  44. For sure it gets easier with practice. You have really negative narratives and almost take comfort in feeling victimized. That's how you have been self-soothing until NOW. Now you're forcing yourself to confront that negativity and deny yourself that familiar feeling of victimhood and while odd and mildly unsatisfying, you can learn to rationally deescalate the catastrophic nature of your perception which means less that you actually have to endure and less negativity you allow yourself to imagine. So it feels like denying yourself martyrdom status. Part of you likes enduring unimaginable tragedy. By minimizing the tragedy with rational thought you're robbing yourself of inconsolable grief. But, there's less grief to endure.

  45. He broke up over something that was out of my control (not being present one weekend due to a transportation obstacle made him feel I wasn’t prioritizing him, made him lose his feelings for me) so yeah little things can apparently be deal breakers :/

  46. That says to me FA. But I think it's healthy to complain about relationships to friends. Sometimes you have to say things out loud even if it's to gage how silly you sound. The question is how quickly you can switch from victim mode into empathy mode when replaying events.

  47. His avoidance is the manifestation of his root problems NOT his root problem. Attachment style is just how people act in response to anxiety. Until he deals with his underlying anxieties he's not going to change. While you CAN reassure someone with an anxious attachment style and see short term results, you can't really reassure someone out of avoidance. The nicer and more vulnerable you are with an unwilling avoidant the more repelled and inadequate they tend to feel. They feel bad for not reciprocating which strengthens their belief that they are inadequate to make you happy. That pain adds to the anxiety they were already taking space to overcome.

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