FranFlan21




I made it to the other side

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Berserk's Author Kentaro Miura has passed away

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The process of taking a painful L

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  1. It is really is so hard when love can’t work out, especially when it sounds like you both still hold strong feelings for one another and yet you know it’ll all end in heartbreak once again. It’s been about ten months since I’ve so much as shared any words with my ex. And as much as I’ve moved on since then and have stayed away since I know how toxic it was and it’s best we stay separate, it’s still heartbreaking, you know? Someone we bonded with on such a deep level, and yet for our own well-being we must remain on a separate path. Ultimately, there is no guaranteed method to shake the desire to reach out. You have those feelings and they’re valid. You have every right to feel them. There’s no shame in holding your ex in your heart. Love is what makes us feel truly alive and even when it ends poorly there’s beauty in that we experienced it at all and still hold some level of it. The important thing is that you do what’s best for you right now. Love is indeed valuable and precious, but we must never willingly put ourselves into such a high risk of pain for it.

  2. That last sentence hits hard. You’re absolutely right. I have to remind myself that my actions have consequences and they have the potential to land me in even more pain than I am right now/have been in all year long. I have no idea how realistic it is that he’s “different” and will magically give me the relationship I deserve. All I’m doing is projecting what I would do in his position.

  3. And the thing is, we can never know for sure if they’ve been or will ever be able to change and grow, if at all, into the partner we had always envisioned them to be. It just goes to show how important reciprocity is in a relationship. If you’re the only one putting in the effort to keep things going, you’ll only be setting yourself for even more hurt down the road when it inevitably crashes.

  4. You have every right to feel discarded after being through such an intense relationship full of that many highs and lows. The problem is that once we're immediately out, we can't help but blame ourselves at the start because that's exactly what a discard can do. Even with the telltale signs seen in retrospect, it all came crashing down so fast and apparently always right after a happy memory that of course the cognitive dissonance will be intense.

  5. Thank you for this. It really was sick how so many of us were comfortable in that rollercoaster ride of chaos, and letting that part of us be drained away along with the trauma bond truly is for the best. We were always such beautiful souls worthy of love, and we really do need to give it ourselves once we’ve been freed from them. ❤️

  6. Considering the kind of retail therapy I’ve been up to in the wake of trying to make myself happy after my nex breakup, sure why not also a horse?! 😂 But seriously, do whatever (as long as it’s unharmful) thing that makes you happy right now. ❤️

  7. Oh I’m thrilled it’s like a two in one because she’s pregnant 🥰

  8. AWW! 🥰 Then I wish you so much happiness with not one but two new beautiful equestrians that are now in your life. ❤️

  9. In the end, you never have to "owe" anyone anything like closure. And just reading your prior post which went into the horrendous treatment you endured that included so many instances of broken boundaries, emotional manipulation, and full on abuse, if he was a mentally healthy person he would never live down the guilt for treating you like an object he could do anything with as he pleases. It's abhorrent and even worse if he does something like NPD he is incapable of feeling that guilt. And that's horrible. I want to just give you a big hug after reading your post and tell you that you did nothing wrong and deserved absolutely NOTHING of that terror.

  10. Thank you so much, I appreciate the support and lord knows I need it right now. I hope that you’re happy in your life now that you’ve moved on and I hope for the same soon 💕

  11. Thank you. It’s taken me a lot of time and I wouldn’t say I’m free from my trauma bond yet, but each day gets a little bit easier. I wish you the same as well and I’m sure you will reach a point of happiness.

  12. Such a poignant and evocative poem. Hope you’ve gained more closure and can now move forward even more after putting this new perspective to the words you previously gave to the man you originally thought he was.

  13. Be proud of the strength it took to make such a move like that! When I deleted all remaining social media ties with my ex, it took me right back to the absolute pain I felt at the breakup. But days later once I accepted there was no going back, no contact became so much better. It hurts to fully let go, but deciding to do something that we know deep down will benefit us greatly as a result couldn’t be more freeing and allow us to truly begin to self-heal. I wish you all the happiness now that you’ve taken this massive step towards moving forward to a much better place.

  14. Thanks for your kind words ♥️ I get what you mean by taking you back to the initial pain, definitely feeling that vulnerability today. However, it gives me hope that this could be (at least one of) the final pieces I need to move on.

  15. Thank you. It’s been months since I made that painful decision and I can confirm it really does get so much easier and better for you over time. And certainly don’t ever feel like you’re on a timeline with this. The feelings you have are valid so if you still have a day where you want to just cry, then cry. Love is so important for all us and losing it, no matter if the relationship was healthy or not, truly is like grieving a death. Be kind to yourself and keep moving forward at whatever pace you feel is best. You got this. ❤️

  16. So sorry to hear you endured such horrendous treatment like that. Please don’t ever reach a point where you think that you deserved any of that abuse and know that there’s so much better out there for you than this. If you aren’t comfortable talking to friends and family I would strongly recommend seeing if you can talk to a therapist at least. And if not you can also always express your feelings on places like this subreddit for support. Hugs.

  17. same for me! friday’s used to be a huge trigger as that was our “fun” party day. after our breakups i would feel kind of lost and didn’t know what to do with myself. eventually i flipped the script and did radically different activities than what we used to do - goto the gym, big grocery run, get a manicure, crafts, gardening - anything that is completely different than what we did and i no longer care about that Friday anxiety :)

  18. That’s a great idea to do different engaging activities that won’t remind me of my nex! I’ll certainly try that so thanks. 🙂

  19. Thank you for saying that and sorry to hear weekends in general are rough for you. The more time passes as we heal, I’m sure all days will be at some point be so much better.

  20. Such a powerfully written and personal letter. Good for you for sticking with NC and posting your letter here instead of giving it to them who wouldn’t even have taken these words to heart anyway.

  21. It’s taken months but slowly I’ve been able to retake my sense of self that was lost after my relationship. I can attest that no contact is where the real healing starts to happen. There will still be good and bad days along the way, but true freedom from your nex is a guaranteed path upward from where you are now. Stay strong and know that you aren’t alone and deserve so much better. ❤️

  22. I’m so sorry to hear you’re in that situation. I’m five months out of my relationship and I have a strong feeling my nex won’t come back to me because I stood up to her right before she discarded me. The hurt is strong and I’m still not over it, a part of me still clinging onto the fantasy that the person I thought she was might come back to me. But at the same time, I know that’s only my trauma bond giving me that thought on rare occasions still despite knowing how toxic and abusive she was. I’m now more aware of the reality than ever before, and that’s why I can’t ever go back or keep that false hope. I know I deserve better and it will only destroy me to go back to that poison.

  23. It’s been over five months since I was discarded and to this day I’m still a bit confused why my ex never made it feel as conclusive as it should have been. I was never blocked by her, even after my final conversation with her a few weeks after the discard where she made it incredibly clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, a few months after I had to be the one who deleted our social media connections.

  24. So sorry you've also had a relationship that left you in a trauma bond. You've described exactly what is so devastating about what led you here, but it's so heartwarming to read that you also aren't letting the despair consume you. Overcoming a trauma bond involves more than just time; it's educating yourself on the harsh truths about the relationship and how abusive it was, as well as using the newfound freedom to learn and grow on the areas of yourself that'll help prevent such a toxic cycle from ever happening again.

  25. Thank you so much. I’ve been so severely depressed it’s been hard to find the energy and strength to do what I know I need to do.

  26. I've been in your exact spot. It's taken me months just to be able to live my day-to-day even somewhat like I used to and I'm still healing from the trauma and my broken heart. Keep doing what you can each day to take care of yourself and if you ever have a rough moment and want to talk about it you can always DM me. Stay strong and always remember you deserve so much better out of a relationship.

  27. The simple fact that they aren't abusive to everyone they interact with really says it all. Abuse is always a choice. Always.

  28. I still can’t live down the fact that my ex broke up with me the one time I truly stood up for myself and simply said that she hurt my feelings after she went way too far with her toxic words. The saddest thing is that I was visibly shaking when I sent her that text because my body knew that would be her response. And that’s…not what at all what reciprocated love is.

  29. The “blindness” for the hurt inflicted is sadly all thanks to the trauma bond. It’s nothing at all that’s your fault. You were just caught up in an abusive relationship with someone who you showered so much love towards and you were rewarded with a hot-and-cold surge of bliss and pain that made you addicted like he was a hard drug. It’s sad and completely unfair what was done, but you’re free now and in a community here with people who were right in your shoes. You’re not alone and all your feelings are valid. Stay strong with the no contact. ❤️

  30. Thank you. Yes, he almost got me again, half explaining how incredibly wrong his behaviour was. But that is futile. They just are not able to understand. And it is best to quit. And go.

  31. Once you accept that their horrible behavior is due to their mental illness that’s a reflection of them and never you and that no amount of love or understanding you give them can save them from that, it’ll be much easier to let them go. It’s tragic and you certainly can feel sorry for him, but any hope that he’ll turn back into the person you first fell in love with really is futile.

  32. While it's been so helpful not to feel alone with what I've experienced, I wouldn't wish this raw emotional pain on anyone. My heart aches for every victim and I hope everyone who has suffered will find full freedom from their abuser and heal so that they can live a much better life they deserve. <3

  33. That’s so bizarre. It’s amazing how easily they can get people to walk on eggshells around them.

  34. In retrospect, it’s crazy to think of all the gaslighting and obvious lies and manipulation that I was willing to put up with but…that’s the danger of being in a relationship with people like them who rope us in with lovebombing followed by the hot-and-cold love which forms a trauma bond. It’s a trap until we’re freed and can slowly accept reality. As much as I still have that trauma bond, at least now I know I should never accept someone who would demoralize me for even the most petty of things.

  35. It’s sad but true. I even kept a list of words that she didn’t want me to say that even included such innocuous ones like “champ” and “buddy,” despite the fact that I didn’t even address them towards her. She would say “NO ONE says that” and for whatever reason I believed her. It was a relationship where in her mind only she had the right opinion and the right way to act.

  36. Such an inspiring post to read. You’re doing incredible with your perseverance and letting your creativity regain your identity and life. Thank you for sharing. It’s given me some faith for my own recovery. ❤️

  37. Thank you and I wish you so much happiness in your days ahead. ❤️

  38. I was right there with you when I first started posting and making comments on this subreddit which shows how toxic the relationship was. And not only that, this subreddit helped stave off the sense of doubt I had that my ex was a narcissist those first days and also made me feel understood with so many stories that related to what I went through. It really shows how helpful it is to share your story with an audience who fully gets it.

  39. Rest In Peace, Miura. Such a legendary story told over decades which remained so consistently powerful to read and beautifully drawn the whole way through.

  40. I know exactly what you’re going through. It took so long after the discard until I was finally able to stop looking at my ex’s socials and until then I felt trapped in that cycle that only kept hurting me. And once I was able to put that phase behind me, I felt so much more free.

  41. That is so wonderful that you have been able to stop looking at your ex's socials and free yourself from that toxic cycle! I'm proud of you for doing that! I hope I can do the same one day.

  42. And thank you for your kind words in return. Let’s all keep doing our best. ❤️

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