PurpleNovember


























  1. Some people believe that parents can be abusive-- just not anyone they know. For them, it's easier to "explain" what happened, than to hold the abusive person accountable.

  2. Wow, this is such a great way of handling it. You have an amazing perspective. 👏

  3. I'm a big fan of going NC, but unfortunately, it doesn't always go easy (and of course, sometimes it isn't an option). There can be a lot of guilt, self-doubt, etc. attached; growing up with toxic parents means that a lot of us struggle with wondering if they were right, and we were awful people.

  4. Yes. I can't stand people who fall under the 3rd category. "But family, but why are you doing this, but it's unnecessary, but this, but that...". It just shows how shallow the people who say these things are. They definitely don't give the same lecture to the perpetrators. And then it's all silence and "it's a family matter, let's stay away".

  5. Denial is a powerful force. It's easier for outsiders to believe that abuse only happens to Other People-- not for people they know.

  6. If someone else had written this post, what would you think of them?

  7. This is what I come back to a lot. Like if someone told me these things, I’d for sure be concerned for them. But like then I convince myself that I’m omitting things to sound like the good guy. Which I know logically isn’t something someone who was actually trying to manipulate people would actually care about or question. I think it’s just a mix of the constant gaslighting and the belief that ya know the parent is always right that’s so engrained in me I just get so confused. It feels like arguing with a tornado if that makes sense. Things are constantly changing and I have to try to always find my balance to make my points. It feels like they’re trying to throw me off to try to get me to say something I don’t mean. God, the human brain is so annoying yet interesting

  8. And do you feel as if your kid will be unhappy if they can't see her, or that they've bonded? (Sorry for all the questions, but this stuff can get complicated fast, as I'm sure you know.)

  9. Have you spoken to the college yet? Because they may have info on that, or at least be able to explain who you need to talk to.

  10. I hope you get at least some useful answers-- you may end up playing phone tag, but that's how insurance goes sometimes!

  11. Yes, yes! They are flawless, sparkly unicorns who are kind and loving and generous and brilliant and powerful and perfection incarnate who deserve to have everything they want the second they want it and other people really should recognize all of that and worship and serve them for all eternity!!

  12. This sounds like how my dad, mom and sis would describe themselves. It is so obnoxious.

  13. Yeah, it's not unusual for toxics to do volunteer work, make donations, etc.-- but it's never for the good of others. It's for their own good. And if they can get into human service work... doesn't always go well.

  14. While this does sound like a good indicator for who to run away from... What about the children of these people? I was raised to be afraid of most of the world cuz my parents taught me that "the whole world is awful, and everyone is horrible and out to get you, and you can't trust anyone" It kinda just gave me trust issues and anxiety to get over LOL so I sorta feel like there must be a lot more kids out there who adopted this worldview but aren't necessarily narcissists... They probably have a lot of trauma and bad coping skills (maybe including lashing out) as a result, though. Thoughts?

  15. Yeah, that can be frustrating as hell. But denial is a powerful force-- there are plenty of us who struggle with the feelings that go along with realizing our parents are toxic. Even though we know they're unhealthy to be around, we may still struggle with guilt, denial, self-blame, etc.

  16. Congrats on making it in-- if you haven't already, maybe start stocking up on caffeine? One of my co-workers is on her last college year, and her schedule is insanely busy!

  17. Ah thanks for the warning, I'm very into my coffee already so a little more shouldn't hurt.

  18. Good to hear. :) As you know, dealing with toxic people is exhausting, frustrating, etc., so I'm glad you won't be dealing with her crap for too much longer.

  19. Does she have a history of saying negative things about you to other people?

  20. Yes sometimes. She loves gossip and drama and talking to all her friends about negative things that have happened to me and my siblings or even herself. Do you think she'll use my letter to victimize herself?

  21. Yes-- and since it's in writing, anything you write, she'll interpret in her own way, and use it to hurt you if she can. So I'd suggest keeping that letter for your own use. If you start to feel self-doubt, or wondering if you should reach out to her again, you can re-read it, and remind yourself of exactly what kind of person she is.

  22. I'm very sorry you're having to go through all of this-- I hope things go your way very soon.

  23. Thank you, that means a lot! I'm going to delete this post because I'm still paranoid about them somehow accidentally finding this, but thanks again!

  24. Very welcome, and best wishes to you. I hope you're able to stay very safe.

  25. A bad breakup with my GF resulted in me leaving a lot of my furniture behind. nDad brought me to a used furniture shop and the table I could afford was beneath his standards. So he had to drone onto the clerks about "that's just his taste, he's always been like this" because he was ashamed he raised a poor person.

  26. I suspect that, after he was out of sight, the clerks did a lot of eye-rolling. One of my former co-workers worked at Wal-Mart for years, and every so often, there would be something like that: a parent griping about their child.

  27. It's the "different when it's me" mindset-- when something happens to them, it matters; when it happens to someone else... not so much. Toxics just don't give a damn about anyone but themselves (unless it's convenient or benefits them, of course).

  28. Very welcome. It might also improve their behavior a bit-- if you feel comfortable suggesting that you're doing it because they're Very Good Parents, it'll feed their egos and maybe shut them up slightly.

  29. Why would feeding their egos shut them up? Never found this to be the case about any narcissist. I think giving the parents credit for OPs personal growth is not a good idea.

  30. If OP feeds their egos, it'll "prove" that they've won, and they might dial back a bit on the hostility, and give the OP some breathing room.

  31. Not sure what the exact abuse was but I am sure he convinced himself it was "punishment" she "deserved" because she was not "measuring up" like he was. Classic feature of a GC is they see their better treatment as earned and the abuse suffered on the SG as earned for not behaving as well as the GC.

  32. That's one of the saddest family responses-- instead of examining the situation, looking at what's really happening... they ignore reality and pick a target.

  33. Agree. Note too that there's nothing specific in what GC wrote, there's no acknowledgement of what the narc mighta done to ostracise her child, that's all glossed over, and turned into "Woe is Mom! She was such a martyr for us! You should be grateful!" 🙄

  34. Denial is a powerful tool. It's easier for family members to believe that nothing is wrong, than to accept that abuse was happening-- and they either didn't see it, or did see it... and did nothing.

  35. Also, if someone does genuinely regret what they said, they're not going to lie about it, or blame the other person. They're going to apologize-- and mean it-- and work out how not to do it again.

  36. If toxics weren't so hurtful, I'd feel sorry for them. They can't seriously admit they've done anything wrong, because it's a hit to their egos. They don't realize that failing at something doesn't mean you're a failure; it means that next time, you need to be more careful. They can't accept that making mistakes is normal and natural-- nobody is flawless or faultless.

  37. And still kind of painful, if we realize that none of our family members will believe us, or even listen to us.

  38. Yes! It's a shame how quickly they'll believe bad things about us.

  39. Agreed. It can hurt like hell to realize we don't have any real support from family members-- but it can hurt even more to keep trying to mend fences.

  40. What do you feel is likely to cause you the least stress: staying, or leaving?

  41. No. Honestly I would try to help them. Sometimes it's hard to do that for yourself though, putting that into perspective

  42. Exactly! One of the hardest parts of recovery, can be learning to show ourselves the same compassion and respect we'd show to another RBNer. I'm not sure if this is practical, but you might try it: when you start to feel that self-doubt, remind yourself of what you just said.

  43. Thank you so much for replying, it feels very validating, and I kind of needed that push. I don't want to be a parent, for my own mother. I'm honestly very non-confrontational, which is why I'm the only person out of my siblings that talks to my mother anymore.

  44. I feel like that's one of the worst things about toxic people-- the constant conflicts. Nothing we do or say is "right", because we're not them. I mean, yeah, some of them are deliberately manipulative; but most seem to actually believe that they're the ones who are being mistreated and misunderstood.

  45. Ugh. I'm so sorry he chose to behave so badly-- and I hope you won't have to deal with too much of his nonsense. And of course, if he's like most toxics, there's at least a 50% chance that he's lying, consciously or otherwise.

  46. thank you i appreciate your kind words. it just sucks man, i love him dearly. but he constantly tells me that i dont. it drives me fucking insane.

  47. IMO, one of the worst things about toxic parents, is that nothing we do is ever enough. They'll always find something to get angry about, some reason to believe we're mistreating them, etc.

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