Responsible_Unit_972













  1. Idk but the phone goes both ways, so unless you both made an agreement that she's the only person allowed to initiate contact, then you might also be looking distant to her. And then you say " I guess we're both kinda working on getting back together"... why are you guessing? Why not have a direct conversation on where y'all both stand and what y'all both want? That could be why you're confused, because no one knows what the other person wants, and you're both tip-toeing around what is and isn't expected in this situation while not officially in a relationship but still loving each other. That's a very confusing situation to be in for everyone involved! Let me know if I'm misunderstanding something.

  2. Well, some info is missing. Constant fighting and bad communication are legitimate reasons to end a relationship, it doesn't mean she is deactivating. Calling every break up or separation deactivating is also very dismissive of our partner's feelings.

  3. I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. I meant she deactivated after fighting which made it very hard to get forwards in our relationship and made us stuck in a cycle. Yet us breaking up, we did not fight. We were both extremely sad, cried, held each other, talked a lot. I think we are both aware that we can possibly have healthy relationship, but she told me she is not able to right now. She is tired and hopeless.

  4. Oh I understand better now. I'm sorry, been there done that. It is really heartbreaking. Unfortunately the will to do the work has to come from her alone. Stonewalling is a relationship killer.

  5. It's okay. I didn't want her to be so hurt by what went wrong in our relationship. So if it's best for her to be by herself for now, then I'm okay with it.

  6. The yelling and overt anger she’s giving off is usually more of an FA trait than a DA trait. Some FA’s can be incredibly volatile and blame their partner for their overwhelming feelings (even when the partner is not at fault).

  7. I did already. It sounds good in theory but at the moment she'll just get upset. I'm not sure if it's because we're stuck in that situation right now and she's not able to calmly listen. She said it's hard for her to stay calm at the moment because we keep talking about our problems and she's tired of it. She'd love to do different things with me instead of arguing and discussions, like having a good time. And I understand but I feel like we can't just push it away as if the elephant is not in the room already.

  8. It’s good to hear that she’s trying to stay calm, but in order for the relationship to work, you both have to hear each other out and solve conflicts effectively. If she’s just going to get mad at you every time you speak your mind, you’re not going to end up feeling happy because you’ll be stuck in an unhealthy dynamic. I think you’re right to be thinking about leaving. How long have you both had this issue?

  9. You are absolutely correct. This has been an issue for a while. But it's gotten a lot worse the past 2 months I'd say. She gets a lot more aggressiv than before, it seems.

  10. Echoing what everyone else has said. Trigger is such an interesting word to use here, because you're describing her as very avoidant. In my eyes, being triggered into "vulnerability" sounds like an anxious person trying to cling on out of fear of losing the relationship in some way. DAs and deactivated-FAs usually don't work like that.

  11. It's probably the language barrier. English is not my mother tongue. What I meant is, what can I do to help her become more open and vulnerable in such situations. :)

  12. Thanks for your insight. Well, for me it's important for her to react, because it shuts down the situation completely. I don't have a chance to resolve things if I'm the only one to try. Even if I give her space she needs so much space, that I'm unable to give it to her. I can't sit around 5 hours or a day in silence (we also have a LDR). I feel unfairly treated when it's always her way...silence. I feel imbalance in our relationship. It's mostly me trying to give her what she needs in such situations. It's barely the other way. It's frustrating because we can barely ever resolve things properly and it's destroying our relationship slowly but surely. I can't spend half my life giving her space until she's okay with being talked to (since it's mostly me trying to find a solution). Even if I give her space and she comes to me after a while...we still can't talk properly the next time we get into an argument. Nothing ever changes no matter what I tried.

  13. Yup, my girlfriend is the same. She told me she feels very much under pressure texting and she doesn't know how to respond, feels bothered by her phone, while wanting to be in contact with me. We text very little during the day (it's getting better), but still I'm the person she texts most with. Phone calls however don't make her feel pressured and are totally fine for her, just like you said. We're in a LDR which makes this kind of a difficult thing at times.

  14. IMO it may take a long time to rebuild trust. Longer than 5 months. She may be protecting herself waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you are in it, you will have to be patient and consistent. For the long term.

  15. Alright, I will try to stay patient and consistent. But yes, I often feel like my needs are not met. She is often very cold and distant which hurts a lot, especially since a LDR needs a ton more effort to make time for each other. If we don't see each other, I feel like we don't talk enough. Barely texting throughout the day, mostly phone calls. Seeing each other mostly due to my questions and putting in effort. She is more distant and doesn't actively make time unless I ask. Lately we had been fighting a lot and she becomes spiteful and extremely angry. We had a really bad boom over the Christmas time but we are sorting that out. Since then she became.a bit more open talking about feelings and needs and also being warm and loving. But her ambivalent and inconsistent behavior kicks off my anxious side which causes me hella stress. Our latest phone calls were very positive and constructive. If things keep developing positively I'm all in but I'm afraid it might not and I will lose my power to be patient. But I'll keep trying.

  16. Maybe you need to back off a bit and give her more space? Let her fill the gap so to speak.

  17. Hey! My partner and I are the same ages as you, and I'm the secure-anxious and my partner is the FA. So I understand where you're coming from, it can certainly be very emotionally exhausting at times but also super rewarding. There's a reason we stay...we're not delusional! :) You're a strong and good soul for wanting to better understand your relationship with your partner (and your partner).

  18. Hey, thank you for sharing your experiences! Sounds like things are going uphill for you and your partner. :)

  19. I think sometimes we focus too much on attachment styles. There isn’t a rule out there that states that the only people who can be in a happy, long-term relationship are secure people. We are all capable of being in a successful relationship as long as both partners want that.

  20. I will try my best to just try to have a good time with her and talk about stuff when it comes up. Thank you ☺️

  21. Alright. I see you guys don't like the game. I would like to play it anyway since I paid for it. Does anyone know a solution?

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