advstra


























  1. Do you struggle to say "no" to people? If so, why? Would it be easier for you to ghost/never reply to anyone irrespective of your feelings or only someone you care about but afraid to hurt by saying "no" or speaking the truth?

  2. I don't know if this was for DAs or if my answer counts because I think I'm a little different in this regard, but, no. If I know I want to say no, I usually have no issues saying no or rejecting people, yeah it feels uncomfortable sometimes and in some contexts I feel guilty, but it's a skill I've learned a long time ago, and I find it kinder to be blunt in such cases. But I used to be a huge doormat as a kid so it's something I learned later so maybe it's not the default attachment behavior.

  3. Its just white people not understanding what discipline is🤷🏽‍♂️

  4. I'm so tired of this. I'm not white, I'm Middle Eastern, FROM the countries. We have the same bullshit parenting your community has. It's not culture, it's fucking abuse.

  5. People often mistake compassion for ‘it’s ok, you aren’t doing anything wrong’. I can attest because honestly that’s how I was at one point. People who show a lot of compassion when kids do bad things may not necessarily not enable them

  6. That's not what I mean by compassion. Compassion is approaching someone with the understanding that they're also human, they have their feelings and histories and reasons for acting a certain way even if you can't relate yourself. You can show understanding for those things and also help them realize while you sympathize with their reasons, what they're doing right now is not helping them in the longrun, and you want to help them work it out and change for their own sake. And that is something you can do while cuddling.

  7. As a pretty deep-in-the-weeds non-monogamous guy, I know that damn near all of those relationships fail hard. Opening the relationship doesn’t solve old problems, it highlights them and opens up new ones.

  8. Never go to couples therapy with an abuser.

  9. Honestly I know a suspiciously high number of FAs and I'm still not sure if that's my culture, my unconscious selection for people, frequency bias, or just projection.

  10. Same, but I think a lot of people are FA from older trauma, but not true FAs. Ive mentioned this quite a few times recently, but I present as a severe FA. I did an adult attachment interview which showed I'm actually secure in the attachment period, but older childhood trauma makes me act disorganised. It's actually a trauma bond, not true disorganisation. I think that's probably the case for a lot of FAs.

  11. Agree, I think infancy formed FA is very rare because that would require some very unhinged parenting. I think it's usually later parenting + outside experiences. I think a lot of people also gain some flipped relationship experiences that cause them to transition between DA-AP (or you know even when people are trying to become secure) and get stuck somewhere in the middle, which can present as like "I'm both." but there is some internal consistency. Like you have split views on certain things but your views on those things are consistent, actual FA is switching views on the same thing. I don't know if I could explain that well but yeah.

  12. She's still in my life as a friend, which I'm thankful for.

  13. Can I overstep and give unsolicited advice because I've been where you are? Go no contact. You still have feelings for her, you can't be friends right now.

  14. Im assuming this was a table full of guys making remarks about your breasts and rest of your body in a sexualized way?

  15. Um no you made no such distinction between gawking and checking out. You said you “wanted to go into beast mode” because of the guys checking out your daughter. Your words.

  16. Just say you're a creep and go why so many words

  17. It's hard to tell from this post, you sound normal to me. But you sound like you have a lot of rejection "traumas", and already expressed fear meeting new people because you feel like they will leave. These things usually turn into self fulfilling prophecies.

  18. My wife seems to think the statue of limitations laws will make it impossible to pursue legally. It’s just been too long since it happened. That, and the fact that there’s no evidence outside of her saying so. He did admit to it, but only during the family “meeting”. The biggest thing that infuriates me is that his mother recently mentioned how it had costed him his job with a family friend. He worked with kids and the person found out and fired him. To this she says, “How much more does he have to suffer for this sin?” Like he has barley suffered at all! She’s literally so insensitive to her own daughters trauma. I should mention my wife was present when she said this.

  19. If she's comfortable, report it anyways. It might not lead to anywhere but it will put pressure on the family to acknowledge what happened. They're trying to sweep it under the rug at her expense because it's too uncomfortable to look at.

  20. That very true for GCC countries but not all MENA countries. Would your answer be the same for Morocco? Lebanon? Turkey (not Arab I know)?

  21. I would not recommend Turkey currently (from there). It's not just the living standards or political chaos, they're specifically attacking universities right now, especially international staff. You wouldn't be able to do your work properly even at the best universities in the country. We have some good universities I'm proud of, but in the current climate you wouldn't benefit from them.

  22. This was very interesting to read. I'm no therapist but the major thing that stood out to me was your step father, I can imagine how his DID+addiction would lead you towards an avoidant attachment style.

  23. I usually offer an activity that's not too interactive, like watching a movie together.

  24. I feel like it's super common because as soon as I started talking about breakup YouTube started spamming my recs with narcissism videos. Like it's in the algorithm at this point lol Ironically it made me go down a different "Am I a narcissist?" spiral instead because I was very AP with that person and Ramani's description of narcissism specifically falls more in line with that.

  25. Yeah I find Ramani's thought process a bit faulty. I think as soon as you start hearing someone say "a narcissist" like it's some black or white category, I'm out.

  26. I think there needs to be a division between full on narcissism and having narcissistic traits (which I think is where Ramani goes wrong sometimes, she does differentiate them when specifically addressing it but she flips between different definitions arbitrarily and doesn't clarify which one she's talking about very often), I think most people do have narcissistic traits if they have CPTSD or are just overall an insecure person, though the degree varies. I think the most noticeable difference is when you compare an adult with CPTSD and an adult with NPD, NPD seems much more childish, dramatic, and self-centered to me, and lowkey delusional. I would also say while CPTSD+fight does display narcissistic traits, I think actual NPD has more variation than that. Like that's one type of NPD, but there are ones that do not use the fight response.

  27. They are insecure BECAUSE they never hear any compliments on their boobs, while big boobs get worshipped in media all the time. They are insecure BECAUSE their boobs get ignored like they don’t exist, like they obviously don’t turn their boyfriends on.

  28. I agree with you, I'm not denying that insecurity comes from somewhere but that gets created before their current boyfriends are in their lives and the guys get into relationships with women who already have that insecurity and learn to keep quiet about it. It's a chicken-egg cycle that can be solved with some trust and communication between couples but that's just a general issue that people don't have these skills, it's not specific to this area.

  29. “the wife communicating that she would like more compliments “ That would really make it insincere. He would have only say them to please her, not because he really likes them. If a guy is passionate about something, he doesn’t need encouragement. Guys are very vocal about how they love big boobs and have no problem with that.

  30. You have unhealthy ideas about relationships if you think communicating your needs makes meeting them insincere. We've also been discussing their potential reasons for not being vocal about liking small boobs despite actually liking them, you're making the choice to stick to your narrative of not believing they must like them. I mean be my guest, but I'm not sure how anyone could convince you.

  31. I believe you, and this is understandable. Please talk to a therapist it will help you a lot.

  32. You're human, please take some time off if you can.

  33. Yeap this has actually become a go-to line for my therapist to point out to me, that the evil shit I expect from other people is actually what I'm doing to myself inside my own head. Sure that voice in my head comes from real life experiences of actual people who did treat me that way, but it is the main reason why I can rationally acknowledge that the person I'm dealing with right now is different and would never do that, while still not trusting them. It's not the past, it's not a flashback, it's me, currently.

  34. Feeling other people's emotions can coexist with differentiation in my opinion, like it is a useful skill for full understanding and modelling of that person's current state, so you can relate better to them and understand and communicate and meet their needs, but it is crucial to keep differentiation intact. Meaning the understanding that you are different people, you are separated, and they are the ones in crisis right now and you are simply just mirroring them. Feeling the need to shut down that emotional relation because you get enmeshed through empathy shows lack of differentiation in my opinion and it's something that can be developed.

  35. yeah i like kurt's voice but his solos and klaine duets in general were always a hit or miss. it sounded amazing when they picked up songs that matched his voice well, but terrible when they didn't

  36. They kept giving him super high pitched ballad songs and yeah he can sing high notes technically but it doesn't sound good to the ear. Songs where he uses mid range or a growling voice actually sound better. Like Being Alive was pretty good, so was I Believe in a Thing Called Love but Adam Lambert also carried that. Also The Greatest Star.

  37. Ignore the comments you're valid, you're right, and you should say it.

  38. Agreed! In both the text examples and the regulation thing, it's the parasitic entitlement that's the issue, not the need. That kind of behavior will cause an issue with anyone, not just avoidants. If the entitlement isn't there and you still get an ick, then that's avoidance.

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