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  1. I used to help treat kids with CPTSD and while I don't do that anymore, one of the best treatments was to have the client write down the whole traumatic event, start to finish, with every detail. And then, they would read the story to someone else. The goal is to let the trauma permeate you fully, without avoiding it, so that you can process it entirely. The more you share the story, the more you release the feelings related to it. Grief comes in waves, but healing can come in with the tide as well.

  2. i’ve done this route several times over the years and no matter how much i’ve committed to rerunning the events, i would just dissociate and hardly be able to keep awake. still this way, something just shuts down even when the words are coming out

  3. Another option is to allow someone to read it out-loud or record themselves reading it for you so you can listen to it several times first

  4. oh yeah did that one for months. twice a week i recorded me telling it to my therapist and had to listen back between sessions while tracking my subjective units of distress. but none of it actually felt less triggering, it’s just that the words stopped having any meaning and i’d go through those days like a ghost. days where i could feel anything, id be completely derailed and weeping. just, my body couldn’t do it and the therapist decided we should halt

  5. What do you think made it pop up after 13 years?

  6. i mean it’s popped up and derailed my life several times, but around the 10th anniversary something snapped in me and i’ve struggled immensely to sustain functionality since then. i’ve been able to for several months at a time and then i just can’t go to work. and now like, i can’t imagine doing anything. feels like it’s just been degenerative this whole time

  7. You are not alone in experiencing catatonic trauma. It sucks bad.

  8. https://melisandepope.bandcamp.com/album/bucket-lists-suicide-notes

  9. I hope you know how powerful both those cuts are. 🥲

  10. I guess I’ll do a humble brag then and share that I recorded it all myself ;) but I am starting to get the kind of support and love from others that I think I’ve needed all along

  11. I could want to know why he did what he did to me, but I think he is completely delusional. he can answer honestly, but it would be more of the same crap. he claims to love me and that everything he did was out of love. so there is no point for me to ask. really I want him to understand that he harmed me. he refuses to acknowledge this. if I could inject this realization in his brain, I would. I want him to know HE HARMED ME. if he thinks he loves me and realizes that he harmed me, I want him to feel horrible and be sorry for everything he did. but...this presumes that he loves me or thinks he loves me. what if he doesn't and never did. what if he always wanted to hurt me. what if he felt powerful, destroying a kid's life. would I want to know that? I don't think so. I don't think I want anything from him. I want to dump all the garbage I've been carrying back onto him, where it belongs. I want it to bury him. I want him to collapse from its weight, implode and disappear and become nothingness. I don't know if any of these words make sense. but that is what I want right now.

  12. If you feel like you need to share the information to vent just post it here, none of us know who you are and it’s entirely anonymous but also the text will be archived so you don’t have to worry about it going missing.

  13. You say you've been unable to sustain full-time employment. It also sounds like you have a college degree and possibly a graduate degree. Social Security doesn't care if you work full or part-time. They consider if you are able to do Substantial Gainful Activity (SGA). SGA for 2022 is $1,350 a month. If you're able to work and make $1,350 a month, you won't qualify for SSI/SSDI. Since you have a degree, your wages may be higher, and may make that amount with part-time work.

  14. As for accommodations, the main issue with my illnesses is reliability. I fall asleep and/or fall apart in ways that make me a fundamentally less dependable colleague, and this issue damaged my professional relationships both in school and in the work force. Scheduled breaks/naps don’t address the reality that I may cease to be functional when I am on the clock.

  15. This is the issue I find myself facing; freelancing has been more manageable with my illnesses, but it’s nowhere near enough financially to keep up with living expenses and with the amount of treatment I need to be functional.

  16. UPDATE I broke up with her soon after and I am now super happy with a partner who is super duper understanding about my troubles and just holds me and she cares about my twin brother as a person, like she is curious about him and even though I don’t always have the easiest time talking about him she has looked through all our pictures on social media and things I’ve written and it makes me feel so, so nice. It is truly a world of difference and I want that kind of support for anyone struggling with grief.

  17. So, she asked how you were, as your partner. Lol. Then she was mad because it was not what she wanted to hear. Okay.

  18. That I’m on tour, I’m really happy to be playing with this band, we had a great music video shoot this week and I’ve met a lot of great people and it all makes me really happy.

  19. Lifelong thrifter here. About five years ago, I found a leather Longchamp purse for $4. It was nothing special -- it was a simple purse with a large pocket that made up one side of the purse. I had been using it for a year when one day I was in a cab fishing around in that front pocket for cash to pay my driver, and I found something that felt unfamiliar tucked into the deep corner fold of the pocket. They were 2 money orders that were 14 years old issued by a bank that was by then defunct - one in the amount of $2650, the other in the amount of $450. To make a long story short, I made several calls to my state treasury department, I also tried to find the person whose name was on the check. The money had been unclaimed for years, and basically after 6 months of inquiries the treasury department cut me a check in the combined amounts of the money orders. Best thrift find of my life :)

  20. Waaaay more degrading and absurd scenarios than I would actually be interested in participating in lol

  21. INFO: Do they pay you? Is this your source of income that you need to survive?

  22. They do pay me and it is my primary source of income but fortunately I've been able to save a lot of money with the amount I'm working (nannying + freelance music) and in three months I finally get to rest. I just worry about even making it that far with how bad my depression is.

  23. Oh, that is important! Cousin may kick you out? Is nannying how you pay the rent?

  24. lol sorry for incomplete context - currently wrangling the kids 😭

  25. thank you so much everyone i’m gonna toss them in the ground this weekend!

  26. This is a tough one and I will admit I've typed and deleted my answer a few times to try to figure out what to say because, it's complicated. On one hand, I can't imagine being in a relationship where I can't be my full self, it's a big part of why I married my husband. But I also think my style of grieving is different - I'm a lot more solitary about it and process it through self reflection, therapy, reading, spirituality, and hobbies. That's not to say my husband doesn't support me, but I think over time, having 2 major losses back to back in 3 years I recognize there are limits of what I can expect of others. One because we're still in the midst of a pandemic and I think people have more emotional energy than usual and may be struggling already emotionally without everything going on. I also think it's a really hard thing to wrap your mind around if you haven't been through it, and even if you have everyone needs different things. I also feel like I have some perspective because both my husband and I deal with mental health issues so I know how draining supporting him through depressive episodes can be. It can be really, really hard to see your loved one struggle through something painful knowing there is really nothing you can do to fix it and make it better. I say that as someone who presumably has similar experiences to him, understands depression and it's still quite a lot. So we're both very conscious of taking advantage of therapy so that we're not putting too heavy an emotional load on each other. That's not to say he doesn't support me, I think I'm just the kind of person who takes on most of the grief load myself and seeks to self-nurture.

  27. Thank you for this. I’ve read back on it a few times and there’s a lot in here to think about. I relate to your points about processing; I‘ve always written (music and/or words) and that form of introspection has become second nature in my grief. I’ve filled countless journals and hard drives with musings and songs over the past 12 years.

  28. Okay, that gives me a better idea of where you're coming from. That is very concerning behavior. A blanket rule against talking about emotions for months is not normal, and telling you, apparently in passing, that they considered breaking up with you "but don't worry about it because I changed my mind" strikes me as potentially manipulative. That's not something you tell someone unless there's a serious problem with the relationship that you need them to address, but it doesn't sound like they were asking you to change anything, so why bring it up?

  29. To be fair, it’s this issue of support that has made them consider breaking up.

  30. I’m so sorry. I came here to post a situation that leaves me feeling similarly. It’s awful and seeing it from your eyes I worry for you and your well being. I know what it’s like to love someone who won’t give you the time of day, and especially not when you need it.

  31. This is how I realized I’m more gay than bi. I never really minded break ups or rejections with men and in a weird way that made romance manageable. But from the first girl I kissed until now, I've been HOPELESS for the women in my romantic life, lol. Time and time again. The difference was so stark and I felt like I didn't have any training in how to navigate such intense feelings of attraction, connection, and adoration.

  32. i know it's hard to put in so much effort into mental health treatment, but i wouldn't give up. you're too young to live your life with so much trauma.

  33. Thank you so much especially for seeking out something so specific to my ailment and sharing it with me - the thoughtfulness alone touches my heart :)

  34. i feel the same way about my therapy. it's not cheap and my insurance covers none of it. and sadly, my therapist is the only person i feel i can talk to more honestly about my closest friend who died by suicide. my family didn't know him well and two months after his death, they don't really want to have conversations with me about it.

  35. Thank you for the thoughtful reply - I share in solidarity with you and I'm so sorry you have to feel the loneliness of it. It's hard not to resent the ones around us for looking the other way. I think this is where most of my bitterness comes from but I also don't know what I'd even ask of my loved ones if they did look it in the eye with me. When I do see someone else's eyes well up, my instinct is to protect them and I feel guilty for even putting them in that position in the first place.

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