1. yessss i felt this way when i met my partners family. they speak to each other in a loving way, but with normal boundaries. i simply had never seen a secure family and i thought “oh wow! so it is possible to be in this type of unit!” in my family, people argue and guilt trip each other (not abusive at all, just dysfunctional in some ways). it’s never as simple as a “having a nice time”. it made me more resentful of my own family for sure, and also made me sad that i wasn’t able to grow up in that type of environment. i think i would have been a less anxious person for sure.

  2. Yes I did!!! It was SO stressful trying to get rid of it bc my derm kept telling me to use products to help with bacterial (regular) acne and it made it SO much worse! So at one point I had bacterial, fungal and hormonal acne and I stopped going out in public for like 2 months. I saw a diff derm who essentially forced me to get accutane even though I told him multiple times I didn’t want to be on it. I went to the follow up accutane appt since it was free and thankfully the nurse who took care of me listened to why I didn’t want to be on accutane and how I felt like it was fungal acne. Thankfully the derm she was being mentored by is a derm i like and he was able to come in and look at it and said all my symptoms showed that it was fungal acne so he prescribed me oral antifungals (had to go on it twice bc I purged so badly that it barely started getting better once I finished 1 course) and ketocanozole shampoo. I also started to see a naturopathic doctor to get my gut tested for bacteria & yeast and my hormone

  3. thank you so much for this thoughtful and detailed response! started candida diet today so hopefully that will help. did you take an oral anti fungal daily?

  4. since its on your back, it'll be much easier for you to apply a layer of dandruff shampoo (eg head and shoulders or whatever you have on hand) while in the shower and let it sit for ~5min, repeat it once a day until they disappear.

  5. thanks this is super helpful, will try this tonight

  6. what are the things he said that made you uncomfortable ?

  7. To me, him saying he could “try but he’s there’s with his family” is a nice way of saying “probably not”. What is there to address? If I were you i’d just assume he’s been busy

  8. I don’t know what to say other than to keep working on your own confidence and self esteem. My partner is also very attractive. Genuinely I think she could get anyone she wanted. She gets a lot of attention.

  9. i like to think “what do i want to do” and just do it. take risks. go out and do something you’ve never done before. be bold! after my last break up i took myself to new york on my own and ate pancakes covered in rainbow sprinkles.

  10. I feel quite avoidant towards certain family members. The feeling is always “I need to get away and have space from them!” But the thought is “These are family members who I love and cherish.” Those two things are in opposition to each other, but exist simultaneously.

  11. THank you. So it is more accurate to listen to the feelings, but then avoidance or something else makes you listen to the thought? WHen you try to heal yourself then, are you trying to focus on feelings?

  12. I try and listen to the thought, rather than the feeling, as the feeling is just me feeling triggered, whereas the thought is more “logical”

  13. You have to learn how to self soothe. I take hours to reply. So does my partner. We’ve been together for years. Reply length has no baring on a persons feelings. He’s just busy.

  14. For me, not properly. Because I don’t get triggered when I’m single. It’s only once I’m deep in a relationship and there are feelings there that I start experiencing triggers and anxious thoughts. So without those thoughts, I don’t need to work to overcome them.

  15. Idk, I personally think it’s very normal to not be friends with an ex (but to still be amiable and amicable etc!) I was with my ex for four years. When she first broke up with me, we became sort of friends and spoke on the phone and stuff. But now she’s married with a new partner and I’m in a committed relationship also, and honestly it doesn’t rly make sense for us to be friends. Like sure, we might send each other the odd message as friends, but to me i think it’s better to be supportive from a distance.

  16. I’m of the personal belief that attachment issues are best worked on inside a relationship. Esp because that’s usually where they spring up. As someone with DA attachment, you probably feel absolutely fine and safe when you’re single. But there’s no growth. The same with AA / anxious leaning people. Outside a relationship there is no anxiety for a lot of people. So it’s fine. It’s inside the relationship that people tend to make the most growth / actively work against their patterns. Why are you so eager to get out the relationship?

  17. i think it’s your attachment style colouring your view. i think secure and emotionally mature people are sooo attractive.

  18. Can I ask why you stopped therapy? Continued therapy is always a good idea, in my opinion, when it comes to anxious attachment. I didn’t think therapy was that useful, but over time, I’ve noticed the difference. It really creeps up on you. Equally, learning self soothing techniques. Thinking of all the times she’s been absolutely fine and everything has been completely fine, even tho you’ve had a panic attack. Remembering that your body is going into survival mode because it thinks it’s danger, but it’s not in danger.

  19. What you’re describing right now sounds like depression, as opposed to just anxious attachment. Like, maybe your sad feelings are focussed around him, but it sounds like a wider issue. He certainly isn’t going to make you feel better in the long run (as he hasn’t for the years you’ve known him). Instead, if focus on getting to a happier and healthier place.

  20. Thank you for you comment. I suspect you might be right, but it feels hard to admit that it’s this severe. I’ve never thought I might become depressed, I’ve always been quite “successful” in life although I’ve always felt somewhat more melancholic than others.

  21. It’s totally normal to have a period of depression, esp when you’ve been through something like you’ve described. It’s only been 5 months after the break up as well - which isn’t long enough to have moved onto another phase in your life. You’re still probably grappling with the past.

  22. Ah I’d never thought about it that way. I guess we’re all magically cured now. Thanks for bestowing your wisdom onto APs and solving attachment trauma for good. Really, what a waste of time it was for all of us to even engage in therapy etc when we could have just been reading your posts 😍

  23. It’s rly important to have space away from each other. Absence also makes the heart grow fonder. If you spend 24/7 with your partner that sh*t gets old real quick. A bit of space is important to keep the spark alive! And also for neither partner to get resentful. It’s rly important that both people in a couple still have a sense of self or that resentment will grow over time.

  24. I don’t mean to come off too harsh (!) but this is the perfect opportunity for you to self soothe and try and distract yourself. Like you said, a week isn’t too long at all, esp when you’ve literally known this guy for 3 weeks and you know he’s with his son. So i would imagine that he is understandably not able to give you attention right now - like you said, his kid will be his priority.

  25. Nope this is what I need. I need to keep telling myself this until it's in my brain. 💀. Going to stick to my plans this weekend and just grit my teeth through it. The more I practice the independence hopefully the easier it gets?

  26. definitely definitely. i do think the more you practice the easier it gets

  27. No, kinda the opposite actually. Kids don’t trigger me at all because they’re so innocent in their needs and wants. This is the kind of thing that’s worth exploring in therapy tho! It probably has more to do with your parents than your little bro.

  28. literally the only thing that helps is TIME and therapy and learning from mistakes. my first long term relationship was a shit show. i was a shitty toxic partner and basically exhibited a lot of protest behaviours without being aware of what they were or why i was doing them.

  29. doing something in the hopes of getting a reaction, as opposed to communicating straight forwardly. for example, getting in a mood with someone because you feel jealous, as opposed to self soothing or saying “i feel insecure.”

  30. Have you looked into anxious attachment? There’s a whole reddit thread of other people who have anxious attachment / abandonment issues and it might be helpful to look into and read about.

  31. Weird. I mean, if that was me I’d just ask outright “I noticed you haven’t replied - can you let me know if you’re still interested in going on a date next week? Fine if not, just need to know so I can plan my time.” If he ghosts that, then you’ve got your answer. People are weird.

  32. i don’t think you need to “assert your needs” unless you’re in a committed relationship and for some reason feel like they’re not being met

  33. The title of this post is at the crux of AA haha. It’s the million dollar AA question.

  34. great news! sounds like ur already absolutely headed in the right direction

  35. sounds a bit like me. i also test as “fearful avoidant.” when i get anxious and suspicious i tend to withdraw. i certainly don’t do a lot of typical anxious behaviours like triple texting or chasing someone who’s not interested.

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