toobadiremember


























  1. It seems like in in good company here, but I stopped reading it. It gave me a vibe that was essentially like, 'all you have to do to be different - is be different! And if that doesn't work, you're not trying hard enough.'

  2. If I was giving someone else advice I’d probably say the same thing, but it’s way harder than it sounds. Even abusers have times when they were caring and it’s hard to look at things in black and white. Also, I know my brother and sister would continue to do the work and have even more responsibilities without my help. I guess I was just venting. I’m over 60 myself and thought I’d be past these feelings by now.

  3. Fear, obligation and guilt can be very compelling.. I empathize with you.

  4. You're betraying your trust with yourself for your abuser. Of course it feels shitty.

  5. Ehh. My bullshit meter is going off at some of these answers. I can't pin down why, but I don't entirely buy it.

  6. First of all, I’m sorry to hear you had such traumatizing experiences. 😞 I can relate. We moved all the time - my parents flipped houses and were financially irresponsible. I called the suicide hotline at age 15 drunk off my ass because I couldn’t take it anymore. Cops came and then they left and my parents further emotionally abused me.

  7. I'll ask her what this kind of grief work is called, or if it comes from a book. My therapist specializes in early childhood trauma and is well versed in personality disorders (my dad had a hard diagnosis). She's been incredibly helpful and insightful, although progress is sometimes frustratingly slow.

  8. I'm always amazed at this subs ability to find what I assume are rare assumptions that are common to me.

  9. Former massage therapist - find someone who practices manual lymphatic drainage. It's a very light touch modality of massage.

  10. Ugh, totally. I once watched a Rhonda Rousy weigh in and then fight, where she was incredibly dehydrated for weigh in and clearly bloated for the fight. It caused me to Google what she did for weigh in, and they totaled how much liquid she could have 48 hours before a fight. The article quoted her about how hard the dehydration was... And I realized I did that regularly. I don't even know why I do it. It's like you take a sip of water, and it tastes like nectar of the gods. But for whatever reason, I don't drink the glass. Just tiny sips. I don't know what my problem is.

  11. It's a really tough decision. If it were me, I'd phone the facility and see if the nurses could set up a solo Skype session. With covid, I'm sure they're very used to it.

  12. drug and alcohol addiction has also created so much pain in my family. misdemeanors, felonies, and just overall bad life choices. those family members simply did not have the tools to heal their trauma. that intense, unmanageable pain i feel? they felt it, too...they just dealt with it in self-defeating ways. your description of your brother sounds a lot like one of my family members. he got hit with a drug charge as a teenager. marijuana, which he used to deal with being bipolar. that drug charge destroyed his record, made it difficult for him to find work, he fell into the wrong crowds, got shaped by his time in prison. stole, did harder drugs, and destroyed his life. i used to despise the pain he caused our family. i felt afraid of him when he lived with us. my perception of him changed after he committed suicide right in front of his abuser. one final message to make sure his abuser never forgot the pain and trauma he caused him. it became clear to me then how immense his pain was. i no longer think i'm better than him. when his mother (my step-sister) relapsed and made poor, self-defeating choices, i forgave her, too. addicts and toxic family members do not understand how to self-regulate their emotions with healthy coping mechanisms. if they knew how, they would. addicts destroy their frontal lobe, which makes it harder and harder for them to make wise choices. my entire family didn't know how to self-regulate painful emotions (many turned to alcohol and drugs), and therefore didn't know how to help each other. i know i can't fix these family members. that's their work to do. i can focus on protecting what i've built in my life, distanced from the dysfunction... but i can also feel compassion for them and understand how their pain shaped their actions. i can try to share what i've learned from trauma therapy so my family -- as a whole -- can start learning. they may never listen and that's ok, too. i do not think i'm better. just more informed about generational trauma and lucky that i didn't destroy my brain with addiction. i know i could have very easily gone down that same path.

  13. See, our story is a little different. My brother was an opioid addict from 13-23 (I'm 3 years younger). Father is a diagnosed, clinical malignant narcissist. 13 judgements against him, never any prison time. Brother was charged with felony arson at 14yo, a lot of anarchist cookbook stuff - but all in the name of 'fun'. He lit a lot of fires, "played" with fireworks equivalent to half a stick of dynamite from middle school on. Blowing up portopotties at construction sites to make their own versions of jackass. I was forced to be present, where they took pictures of me so I couldn't "narc on them".

  14. I know I am a better human than some humans I know and some I don't know. I also know I am a worse human than some I know and don't know.

  15. I've looked into it briefly because I want to change my middle name, the process depends on your local laws. In my state you go before a judge and he grants 99% of name changes. Maybe even all of them considering we have a guy legally named "space man" who runs for Congress every election.

  16. This is amazing, thank you so much for sharing! I’m gonna check out the subreddit now, it’s exactly what I need

  17. I made an edit that you made find helpful, but I'll look forward to your post. Name nerds is a really kind, nonjudgmental community. I've seen posts like the one I imagine you'll make before. They helped me name all my kids and 2 dogs, lol.

  18. I remember my mom constantly bitching about wasting food, literally cry-screaming we couldn't afford this or that because of all the waste (all untrue, she donated 40k+ to church when I was in high school).

  19. This happens to me occasionally. I actually have a second account I use to comment on anything that might be "controversial". If I see a comment or post blowing up, I simply log out and come back to my 'safe' account. I only use this one to content on abuse or mental health support forums, in case some bully follows me. Sometimes people on here are unhinged.

  20. I put my phone away and baked a cake with my son. Three tier, lemon curd center with whipped cream frosting. Topped with coconut flakes and sugar pearls.

  21. She took the paperwork, i don’t have access to it anymore. If i defaced it, she would have seen and she might have kicked me out of the house or stopped paying for my college. I’d rather risk being put into in-care than lose my only chance to become independent and not have to rely on her forever (college)

  22. Your chance at being independent ended the second you signed those papers. That's what power of attorney is. You have away your free will and signed a legal document giving your voice - and all of your choices - to your mom. I don't think you realize how big of a deal this is.

  23. She's in a good place mentally because she has a new narcissistic supply (her bf). It's why she didn't snap. When she gets positive NS (like the kind of attention you get from small children or when you're infatuated with someone), you don't need the negative kind (when you're releasing rage at the idiot customer service person. Release feels good if you have no empathy. Imagine if you didn't feel bad when you saw something hurt. It becomes funny, or at best you'll feel indifferent. That's how narcissists work). Narcissistic supply is about attention, negative or positive. Feelings of emotional release, control/power, admiration or love from others. They'll take either positive or negative NS, whatever's available.

  24. There are very real trade offs to leaving abusive family members behind. I realize turning down gifts with strings attached is a privilege many others can't afford, especially at early stages of adulthood. It all depends on your situation and the severity of what you've endured, and your ability to endure more. Even abuse exists on a spectrum, as does the ability to tolerate it.

  25. No wait, I amend my previous comment. The ideal response is probably "You're a horrible person" and then the cops show up at his door and I get to listen to the sounds of him being arrested.

  26. If you like pascal, you might like Blaise (first name of the mathematician who invented pascal's triangle)?

  27. I was just saying to myself that this sub is so well run and clean of abuse that it makes the rest of Reddit look like the ones who need therapy. Thank you for your hard work and dedication to our mental well-being.

  28. I take the opposite approach as the other commenter? That advice sounds very invalidating to me.

  29. That doesn't sound like a sub with healthy moderators. I can understand seeing your request for a specific rule as argumentative (mind, I have a much easier time understanding why you'd want to know what exactly you were banned for), but the message makes me think they took your question as a some sort of challenge, and they responded with the intent to put you in your place. They made the community out to be an exclusive club and made a point of saying you aren't good enough. Further, they made a point of saying that they are the one in power - they don't have to justify their decisions, and you have no right to question them. As if that wasn't enough, they essentially called you a Karen. The antagonistic tone of the final message further illustrates how defensive they feel in response to you questioning their decision and how vulnerable their ego is.

  30. It's always hard to read tone, but I was genuinely curious about the rules though. About 5 months previous, she did the same thing. Apparently made some of my comments not visible via a 'remove' feature mods have. The comments still show up in the users profile, and it looks like a shadow ban but only for that sub. She denied doing it, and claimed Reddit did it on its own (lol).

  31. It didn't used to be this way. I've been on Reddit for over a decade. Initially RBN was really different. Mostly adults. But like 2 years in it got flooded with teenagers and those still in the household. Back then it was all you could do to say like hey, your situation sucks and you don't deserve this. But we recognize you can't legally get out yet. LAN became a secondary place for those who had left their abusive parents. Many didn't know basic life skills, or resources. A lot of posts were about people trying to process coming out of the fog, what to do about younger siblings. You get the gist.

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