1. Really varied by couple. Also the actual frequency vs desired frequency is often different due to any number of other things getting in the way. For us that is mainly scheduling around vanilla life and challenges in finding others we want to play with.

  2. Count yourself lucky to have grandparents nearby. Not everyone has the luxury of that option. Here is how we manage it: We have three types of LS date nights:

  3. For me it’s what allows me to relax and get out of my head. No magic answer. Viagra and Cialis seem to help a little bit might be placebo for me. Working out and staying healthy help but that is mainly about confidence.

  4. Edibles work perfect for me. The best sex drug out there!

  5. Had a great first experience with edibles solo with my wife on vacation where it is legal. Mind blowing sex for both of us. So I thought having an edible before a trip to a swingers club would be a great idea. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect. It was either the anxiety of meeting a new couple (we’d met before but this was a planned first play date) or the loud music and strobe lights, but I basically had a significant panic attack. Tried to fight through it but has to basically fall on the sword with the couple and explain what was going on. Never experienced anything like that before and haven’t touched edibles since. That was our her a year ago and I still have about 50 of them that we brought back from vacation that have just sat in my closet. I never want to feel that way again and am genuinely fearful of even trying them again on my own. It was that bad. Just telling my story to say YMMV.

  6. I know plenty of women in their 20s and 30s that dig gray hair on a guy. Doubt it is just that. My wife’s preferred look on a guy is gray hair. I only have a few and find the whole thing funny. Honesty with yourself is the first step to becoming more attractive to others.

  7. There are at least 10 lifestyle cruises booking for 2023 and another 11 booking for 2024. So there are a variety of dates and destinations. We have 3 booked for next year already.

  8. Where do you find these cruises besides bliss? It looks like bliss only has two per year.

  9. Just the wife. The husband is much more conservative. We have not discussed it couple to couple and I havent brought it up to him, but she does most of it while we are all together. He mostly just rolls his eyes when she gets flirty. She doesnt seem like the cheating type, but I'm also not gonna put myself in a situation to find out.

  10. In my opinion everyone, particularly those trying to practice monogamy, is “the cheating type” given the right circumstances. That threshold is different for different people and some actively work to avoid those situations but saying she doesn’t seem like the cheating type sounds naive to me.

  11. A few years. To add to my original comment and own some responsibility a bit, our challenge is also that we don’t always allocate enough time and prioritization of LS activities. We have young kids at home still and so sometimes vanilla life just takes priority. Any friendships, LS or vanilla, take an investment if time to build and nurture or they fizzle out. We are guilty of taking months long breaks from the LS and so that is a factor.

  12. So much of what you're posting sounds exactly like us! We've only been doing this for about a year, but the meetup/"breakup" cycle with other couples is dead on, as is the fact that our home life -- between family, jobs, maintaining vanilla friendships, etc. -- makes our LS adventures sporadic at best. I honestly don't feel we've really, truly "clicked" with another couple on both a sexual and personal level. And it's difficult to envision that happening when our opportunities for meeting people are relatively few and far between.

  13. To make matters worse, we sometimes end up with a free night like this past Saturday where we’d rather just watch tour Astros clinch the World Series.

  14. This is us. If we were the other couple in this situation we’d have wanted you to cancel just like you did. We’d also want you to explore your feelings and his just like you are doing. We’d want you to talk as a couple and get to a good place. Much rather cancel a play date than have someone do something where they aren’t an enthusiastic yes. We’d be disappointed but definitely don’t want to mess someone up mentally even if they can’t articulate why. No reason is necessary for us.

  15. Would attending a house party and just communicating that you give blanket consent to anything anyone wants to do get you to where you want to go? It doesn’t have to be a free use party for everyone there as long as everyone there knows you are a green light for anything anyone wants to try.

  16. I just want to say that last sentence is so good lol. I may use that from time to time because it’s so neutral and universal lol

  17. We heard that on a popular podcast and we use it frequently. It’s also a reminder to maybe open your mind to others’ yums if you’ve never tried it. You might be surprised!

  18. We had young kids a few years ago and basically just limited how often we went out and got babysitters. We also let people know our situation because inevitably the kids would derail plans. We literally had a kid come down with Covid hours before our first ever play date. Luckily the other couple understood and we rescheduled. Once the kids got old enough to stay home by themselves for a few hours we started doing initial meets for drinks on weeknights. We initially limited those to someplace within 15-20 minutes of our house so we could get home quickly in an emergency. That allowed us to save the babysitter evenings for when we knew we would play. We were lucky enough to have a few family friends that could babysit moderately late and also in laws that would take the kids overnight every month or two.

  19. I was worried about the same thing. We started slow in deliberate stages. Her posting to Reddit and chatting, then to finding and sexting others, and finally mfm threesomes. Seeing the pleasure and having the connection after has opened up a world of possibilities for us. That's really the only advice I can give. Be slow, deliberate, and honest. And if it's not for you then it's not for you.

  20. I’ll add to this with some great advice we received early on. The lifestyle is not a linear race to the finish. Look at “going slow” as enjoying the journey. Better to have regrets from going too slow than trying to repair relationships damage done from going too fast.

  21. “Healthy fear” is a good way to put it. I’d add “educated” to that so you can make risk-based decisions about protection, vaccines, testing, etc based on your risk tolerance. Seems outside of that there are two camps: (1) willfully clueless about STI risk, never gets tested, says they are “clean”, and is down for no condoms on the first meeting without asking any questions (which is a surprising number of experienced people in the LS) and (2) scared shitless of the STI boogeyman and will only allow physical contact when covered head to toe in a plastic bag and only after watching the person take a full STI panel test seconds before having did sex and then probably choosing to only parallel play because “scary”.

  22. It happens, I won't lie and say it doesn't get in my head a bit because of my own anxiety and rejection issues but yeah we try to mix things up and take a breather to see if that gets things going again.

  23. My guess is it’s easy to blame alcohol or drugs. Reality is it’s harder to say “I’m in my head because this is overwhelming”. Guys want out to point to something they did vs a mental struggle.

  24. There's definitely a point where ignoring it gets awkward - Acknowledging it and just continuing on other things to see if anything helps is the best way (assuming we aren't waiting for viagra to kick in lol) but if it takes too long then back to partners to see if that works. Most cases we just laugh it off and wait and everyone knows it's so common in the LS!

  25. I spent the two minutes to “report” the comments as inappropriate as “identity attacks”. Probably does nothing but it was worth the two minutes of my time.

  26. We are lucky enough to call Cate and Darrell friends and they are both phenomenal, caring human beings. The New York Post comments section, like most social media outlets, is where discourse goes to die. Close minded comments are made without pausing to think that real people are involved.

  27. C&D and you guys were such a big part of our initial entry into the LS. Thanks for being such great ambassadors for the LS!

  28. Is it weird that our favorites are missionary and cowgirl? We much prefer face to face contact and wife can’t cum in doggie. Not turning down other positions though.

  29. One compromise we’ve done is allowing separate chat but we share everything each evening. This allows my wife to have a little more intimate discussion one on one with potential third but avoids the potential to hide something. We let the other person know that we have an open phone policy and that all texts will be read by both of us so they are aware as well. OP - from the way you describe things, I also agree that she seems to be hiding something.

  30. Well, there's both kinds. There's relationship sex, and there's sport fucking.

  31. For me there is also an in between which is connected sex with someone I’m into. Some might describe it as sex with someone where they romantic “spark” is there. I’m not running off with that person but they are definitely more than just a sport fuck. For me the term sport fucking is more that it’s 100% just physical with zero emotional connection at all. I dislike that kind of sex while others crave it. I find sex to be more of a spectrum of emotions form nothing to deep love with your primary partner of 30 years. Very different

  32. Where did u get that number from? Quick google search shows john Hopkins claiming 50-80% of adults. I’m not saying every1 in the lifestyle has it, u will certainly no get it, I’m just saying it’s pretty common.

  33. Just made a comment on another thread about lack of education on STIs being a bigger threat than an HsV-2 positive person that is on antivirals. HSV- 1 is generally oral and is the one that 50-80% have.

  34. I wasn’t separating the two, simply putting it out there that HSV is incredibly common. In addition, has this person ever tested themselves? Theirs a high likely hood they’ve had HSV, and never showed symptoms.

  35. By not separating the two and just saying that HSV is incredibly common, we’d see that as a red flag. While similar, when most people say “herpes” they are talking about HSV-2 (typically genital herpes) and not HSV-1 (oral herpes that is very common and something you likely got as a kid from grandma). When people in the LS are trying to avoid getting herpes, it’s HsV-2 and HSv-2 is much less common (~10-15%). Your verbiage would indicate a cavalier approach to STis to us. We’ve heard of too many HSV-2 people try to rationalize not disclosing to new partners with “well everyone has it anyway” when that is far from an accurate statement.

  36. Well pls lemme just ask you. If you are at club, and start dancing with, eventually making out, and just getting close with a girl or couple. Then if you ask them for more, they discreetly let you know they are pos for hsv, would you be totally pissed? Not the cold sore kind, so no kissing danger….

  37. I’d suggest this is going to depend on how educated they are about HSV. My wife and I are both negative for HSV-2. If we found a couple we really liked and could tell from the discussion that they were on antivirals and weren’t having an outbreak, I suspect we’d play anyway. To be fair, if we were on the fence about playing before your old us, this could be a deal breaker but if we were into you then this probably doesn’t stop us.

  38. Please clarify touching. Are you referring to sexually touching of a breast, butt or crotch only? Or are you including a hand on a shoulder, or across a back, or standing close enough for shoulders to touch?

  39. I think most people are fine with touching in non-sexual areas. At a LS event I see much more flexibility in regards to touching compared to a vanilla event. I’d never go to work and touch a coworker (anywhere) or just start hugging people. Where as at a Ls event it’s pretty common to get touching on backs, legs, and even peck kissing someone you just met (on the cheek or lips).

  40. I have yet to cum in a swinging situation with others or with my wife after around a dozen play encounters.

  41. Not that my opinion matters, but I think if your wife wants to go fishing it's ok to stock the pond.

  42. “If your wife wants to go fishing it’s ok to stock the pond.” I love that comment. This whole thread has me wanting to bring up this idea with my wife. We’ve swapped with couples but she gets really tired of trying to find a good single guy online. Early on she also expressed an interest in “things happening organically”.

  43. That's part of our bucket list ! One of the swinger hookups we have known in

  44. This was actually posted before NiN 2021. We had an absolute blast. Best trip ever. We had to skip this year but are already booked to go back next summer.

  45. We did NIN a few years ago and the biggest thing for us was making connections ahead of time via Kik groups and the NIN member site. We set up a meet and greet at the first day party and it made it 100x easier the rest of the week since we always knew someone at every event after that.

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