AITA for grounding my son after he ate birthday cake that he knew he wasn’t supposed to eat?

  1. So I don’t think OP is an AH, especially since this is about a life and death situation that the son put himself in, but we have to think from the mindset of a 9 year old.

  2. I'd go with Op being an AH simply because he's raised a child who calls him a "cunt" and says his cupcakes "looked like shit" at only 9. Op doesn't mention the mother, so we can only speculate, but it seems to me like that kid probably needs therapy, and has needed it for some time.

  3. I agree here but is it just me that read this as she was more upset that he insulted her baking than him almost dying? Kind of makes me wonder how the child got so unstable....

  4. OP, this is A LOT to unpack. I have a child the same age and unless your child has some kind of severe disability that you've just completely not treated, this is NOT normal behavior. He needs a therapist. Consistent discipline. Grab some parenting book. Go to some classes on how to parent. This child didn't become this way over night. He's still young enough that you can shape him into a good person. But a child who speaks this way and acts this way at nine is going to be a terror of a teen. I can honestly see him ending up in jail as an adult. This is serious. Not just the cake thing. EVERYTHING about this story is a storm of red flags. Get this kid some help.

  5. So your 9 year old is calling you names and you wonder if you are wrong for grounding him?!? If he thinks it is in any way acceptable to talk to you like that you should probably ground him more often, not just when he intentionally puts his life at risk. NTA

  6. Yeah. I think he is growing resentful. Perhaps he doesn't understand the full weight of what his condition entails. Had I gone to the hospital for eating something, I would be so panicked I would never touch it again. Yet it appears as though your son does not care and would do it again. Also he is 9 years old. Where does he go off using such foul language. I would have punished him for that alone. Those aren't oopsie words. Those are full on disgusting vulgarities. Do you use that language in front of him? If not, perhaps he is learning from outside friends that are bad influences causing him to act out without any real care for his life. I would sit down and ask where he heard such language as a 9 year old if you don't know yet.

  7. It feels to me that the kid's anger at OP is the central thing--the name calling, the insulting the cupcakes, the stuffing cake into his mouth rather than just eating some normally to enjoy it. Kid's mad.

  8. Seriously. My son is 8 and would never use that language. He still says I love you mom every day. This kid needs some discipline and consequences or he's gonna grow up to be a little sh*t.

  9. For real...I don't even think I knew the word c*** at age 9 and I certainly never would've had any inkling to call either of my parents that.

  10. NTA, but do you allow your son to speak to you this way on a regular basis? Or is this behavior new? I think between the life-threatening risky behavior and the unacceptable language directed at you, therapy is called for to figure out what's up with your kid.

  11. This is new behavior. Mom lets him play call of duty. I banned games like that from this house and tried to get ex wife to ban it as well but she won’t even budge.

  12. Grounding isn't the solution there. There is probably a deeper reason why the kid behaves like that, and it should be found and dealt with. Grounding a kid is easy and lazy parenting. Actually figuring out why they behave the way they do is difficult but the right thing to do.

  13. Seriously… I didn’t even know the word c*nt until I was in high school (granted I’m American and was a major goody two shoes growing up) but what the fuck? Lol if I called either of my parents a name I’d have been given a very serious talking to.

  14. NTA...but damn. Your son has quite the vocabulary. You're not in the wrong for punishing him for being so flippant with his life-threatening allergy, but it is concerning that he didn't care about it. Does he fully understand that he could die from eating dairy?

  15. NTA. I know a 5 year old who is so careful about their dairy allergy, they won’t eat cookies even if their mom says it’s okay. And this 5 year old only gets a tummy ache- as far as o know, it’s not life threatening. Your child is by far old enough to understand. As many other commenters have pointed out, your other problem is his language and lack of respect for you. He needs therapy and no access to games/internet until this problem is resolved. You might not be taking it seriously because he’s 9, but do you really want this issue when he’s a teenager and can make life altering bad decisions? Therapy. Now.

  16. Right? I know at least two Type I diabetic kids who didn’t take their health and diet seriously freshman year. One died and the other got pulled out of school and had to transfer closer to home after almost dying. At 9 the son needs to start taking this stuff seriously and if that means discipline and therapy to work on this poor attitude, so be it.

  17. Would that even help this kid? This little boy nearly died, had a hospital stay, and sounds like he is utterly fu**less. Something isn't right here.

  18. NTA but where did you son learn to speak to someone like that? Sounds like verbal abuse is the norm in this household. Kid needs some therapy.

  19. His mom lets him play call of duty. I onow that in the lobbies they say a ton of inappropriate things. I don’t let him play that kind of stuff here

  20. NTA. But the fact that you think you are is a problem… and you guys need family and individual counseling soon. Like yesterday soon. If he’s really this young, and makes you question your parenting this is a problem now. If he has a smart phone or game console take them away. Cut him off from the Internet now. No you tube either. YOU are the parent. Not him. YOU are in charge. Things must change and they must change now before he hits full blown puberty

  21. NTA and your 9 year old is calling you the c word? I think maybe you have a lot of issues. Are you guys talking to a therapist?

  22. NTA, but does he know this can kill him? If not, he needs to know this, and if yes, you might want to make sure he’s okay, child depression exists and, contrary to popular belief, depression isn’t just being sad- it can also make people lack energy, be irritable, stuff like that.

  23. Bingo. Way too many people focusing on the fact that he kid called a person a bad name and not enough on the fact that he almost died and doesn't seem to care. RED FLAG.

  24. NAH - I have trouble calling someone under the age of 12 an AH. Your son needs therapy. His willingness to risk his health this way and the way he spoke to you are not typical behavior for a kid his age. There is clearly more going on with him and he needs help dealing with.

  25. Personally, never get why people have trouble calling kids assholes. Kids can be assholes. Kids can know they’re doing something wrong and will still do it. Many adults even admit they were asshole when they were kids. So I personally don’t get the hesitancy in saying kids are asshole sometimes. Everyone can be an asshole.

  26. NTA… normally I would have thought the hospitalization would have been enough for him to have learned the lesson, but the way he continues to act and lash out at makes it clear that he still doesn’t get the severity of his allergy. Plus he was very rude to you.

  27. Your 9yo called you the c word, I’d be about as concerned as him eating cake. I’m not one to tell someone how to parent, but with how your kid is talking to you as a his parent, there needs to be some more kind of disciplining. If he’s ok talking to you like that I don’t want to know how he’s talking to other authority figures, yikes. NTA but if your kind enjoys his bedroom it’s not a punishment

  28. Your kid says cupcakes look like shit ,, calls you an idiot and the c word? And doesn't care about a life threatening allergy? What a brat

  29. My kid would be grounded for the year if he called me an idiot and a c&nt YWBTA if you don’t work out what’s really going on here - although he’s your son so maybe you know why he thinks it’s ok to speak like this and act like that? I don’t believe he suddenly rocked up and started dropping the c word? You’ve got problems

  30. I don’t get much time with my som because his mom is stay at home and he gets most of the time with mom. Any rules I try to implement here get undone as soon as he goes to mom’s. And because my daughter needs more care than him I can’t just go petition for more time. There’s not much I can do here

  31. NTA but if he continues to use unacceptable language, then grounding then removing items from his room except for books and homework. It works.

  32. Have you forgotten what it's like to be a child? I heard worse than that at 9yrs old from kids in school.

  33. Most likely from playing CoD online. At least, OP has mentioned that the kid is allowed to play CoD at his mom's place, and mp communities for games like that have a notorious amount of toxicity going on most of the time.

  34. NTA. Nine is old enough to know he shouldn’t eat the thing and be aware of the potential consequences. As his parent if explaining it to him isn’t enough for him to take it seriously then you need to try other methods to reinforce the seriousness. Grounding a very normal and appropriate punishment when your kid refuses to listen to you, especially when his refusal to listen is endangering his life.

  35. NTA, but you need to put this crap down. Sitting on his high horse berating you after almost killing himself and racking up thousands of dollars of medical debt the family can do without. A cold cold wind should be blowing his way.

  36. INFO: You mention your ex — how recent is your split? Has your son been acting out in any other ways? What existing support systems and therapy does he have? Is this just brattiness or a cry for help? (A rather incompetent cry for help but that’s not surprising for a 9yo).

  37. INFO What discussions have you had with your son about this. Food allergies are exhausting as an adult and in many ways completely unmanageable for a child. It's so much constant work and he may not understandable how serious it is.

  38. I’m ECE, we had 3 kids with life threatening allergies and they all knew what to eat and what not to. They‘d even remind you if they thought you were giving them something they weren’t supposed to have!

  39. What stands out is that he did this on purpose. He knew this could happen and did it any way. Plus he is picking a fight with you about it afterwards. Kids his age act out when something is bothering them. I think there might be more to this story, OP. You might need to dig deeper. I'm voting NTA. I'm not sure the punishment is going to do anything. The natural consequences of what he did was to go to the hospital and endure that.

  40. NTA. And OMG he should not be talking to you that way. He's so defiant that it feels like you might need some professional help for him. (Which, by the way, there is absolutely no shame in getting!)

  41. Brit here. The ‘C’ word is the worst and still a big deal here. It’s the only one I can’t stand and very rarely use it. I have it reserved for a select few people.

  42. NTA. But please treat this as the cry for help that it is. He knew eating the cake could kill him or at very least severely hurt him. He did it anyway. That paired with his disrespect towards you (even though you seem to be a decent parent) and the fact your ex let's him play call of duty with adults while he's 9(!!) are giving off huge red flags. This is concerning behaviour for a kid that age. Please get him some therapy or something asap

  43. NTA I'd investigate where your son's hostility is coming from. AND do not leave your son in other people's care, except school, until you get this sorted out. I'd feel horrible, and hate you forever, if I was a relative or friend and you left him in my care then he does something like this and dies. Even if you warn people it's not enough. No one can be expected to watch him the entire time he's with them except you, because you're the parent.

  44. Your 9 year old son is calling you a cunt? I have so many thoughts on this one I don’t know where to begin. I feel like your son shouldn’t be grounded for eating the cake, there’s a much bigger issue here.

  45. NTA. If he’s just screwed up and didn’t understand the severe of thinking it would be okay to eat a piece I’d say yes, but it sounds like he totally knew and did it anyway. And then was rude etc. and then doubled down on the rude.

  46. NTA. My daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 2 years old so this cuts pretty close to home. I drilled into her from an early age that the buck really stopped with her. She can't always trust adults to know what she can and can't eat and she needs to be vigilant. It worked well for us, but I also got her a lot of therapy around it early on. I tried to make her feel powerful... not powerless.

  47. I’d say that what is going on here sounds a lot bigger than sending him to his room. I think you need professional intervention.

  48. NTA OP but your son has shown sign of at least negligence to his self preservation and possibly some ideation. As someone who grew up with pretty bad reactions to the point it was uncomfortable to eat and drink (geographical tongue) I learnt quickly what to avoid same with most people with more extreme allergies do especially at your sons age. You and your ex need to both get on the same page and get him into therapy and you both need to investigate why he did this because it’s not normal at his age usually they start small and typically in a more controlled environment.

  49. NTA- Keep adding to the grounding time for his uncivilized language. He’s 9 and calling you a [email protected]? My mom would have slapped those words out of my mouth

  50. NTA. I can understand why your son went for the cake. It’s shitty to be the outsider. But the lack of remorse after going into anaphylactic shock and the swearing and name calling after. It sounds like he’s out of control. He needs help quick because the next time he has access to cake and you aren’t around you know full well he will go to town on it and likely wind up severely injured from oxygen starvation or worse.

  51. NTA - from the title I was ready to think 'here's another super healthy no-fun mom' but YIKES, no. Your son purposely put his life in danger, without remorse and spoke to you in a horrible way. Is the boy in therapy? Something more is going on with him than just wanting to eat birthday cake. That level of 'fck it if I die I die" and the language seems like something he needs some professional help with.

  52. No, you are not TA. Your son is very quickly turning into one. He's becoming a monster. I can't believe he's calling you these names. Tell him that the more he gripes & calls you names, the longer his punishment becomes. Then, find him a really competent children's counselor, cause this guy is really messed up and needs someone to talk to & help him get straightened out. He's on a fast track to trouble if this is him at just NINE YRS OLD...😳😳😳

  53. NAH. There's already a lot of comments about the language your son used, so I will defer on that. Honestly that was the smallest red flag I saw.

  54. Nta. Your son is 9 and said this to u. Ur son doesn’t respect u and u need to ground him another week for his language. I would never dare to say something like that to my parents because they wouldn’t tolerate it.

  55. NTA but your son is 9 and doesn’t really know what consequences are and he probably wasn’t thinking that a cake could kill him! What he needs is something to sit down and talk to him and explain to him how this are - and that sadly he might not be able to eat cake but there might be other things that he could do - find some fun alternatives! Put yourself in his shoes and think how would you react if you were 9 put infront of a delicious looking cake and told you can’t have it! He needs to be taught how to live with his allergies in a way that they don’t make him sad! Punishing him won’t make him think that he could Have died but feel even more excluded from the things that happen around him!

  56. You clearly need to have a talk with his mother bc your co-parenting is at least dysfunctional. You can absolutely tell her that her undoing your punishments lead to your son almost killing himself. Bc why should he respect you when she clearly doesn't? SHE is teaching him YOUR decisions don't matter.

  57. AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read

  58. Nta! My 9 yr old grandson is allergic to peanuts. He does not even want to eat from restaurants that serve peanut items.

  59. Where did he learn this language? Where did he learn this behavior was ok? I think getting a counselor or therapist is required here. He has more issues than Reddit can help you with. Something is going on with him. There is way more wrong than him just eating cake.

  60. What stands out is that he did this on purpose. He knew this could happen and did it any way. Plus he is picking a fight with you about it afterwards. Kids his age act out when something is bothering them. It could be that he is really sick and tired of dealing with this allergy. That must suck and he probably feels excluded. I think there might be more to this story, OP. You might need to dig deeper. I'm voting NTA. I'm not sure the punishment is going to do anything. The natural consequences of what he did was to go to the hospital and endure that.

  61. NTA, your son needs help. Video games do not make you speak to a parent that way. At 9yo he knows that he isn't supposed to be eating dairy. I think he wanted your undivided attention and a conversation about why is needed.

  62. Did you whoop his ASS for calling you the most disrespectful name there is??? For a 9 y/o to even have that word come our his mouth is absolutely mortifying!!!! 🤦‍♀️

  63. My five year old is allergic to peanuts and kiwi. She tells it to every medical professional who listens. She avoids any chocolate that has peanut butter or peanut in it because she knows she is allergic.hers in not deadly but she takes it seriously.

  64. Your 9 year old called you a cunt to your face and you're worried if you're an asshole for punishing him for nearly killing himself on purpose?

  65. Info: How in the heck is your kid so full of rage and entitlement that he’s calling you a c*** and willfully subjecting himself to anaphylactic shock?

  66. I'm sorry? NTA. Your son is calling you a c*nt over cupcakes. Your son is NINE! If I'd sad that at that age my mother would have beaten me into a bloody pulp. I'm not suggesting you do that, but what kind of nine-year-old says that to his mother? I don't care if you're English/British.

  67. NTA. I had your sons level of dairy allergy as a child and I would have NEVER dreamed of eating something with milk in it. Please take him to get therapy. He could have died and based on his reaction it sounds like he doesn't care enough to not repeat the incident.

  68. NTA at all. All facts aside, if I ever even thought of calling my mom a cVnt I’d be more than grounded. Probably never see me again lol. Kids definitely got some issues to sit there and right off the back call your food Shit and then call you horrible names… therapy.

  69. NTA at all. My sister had stomach issues(not as bad as that) and wasn't allowed to eat gummy bears. One day she had too much and learned her lesson.

  70. NTA. Why the hell does your son think it's okay to speak to you like that? And I'm stunned that he is so casual about his reaction! I think you need to take him to a therapist because something isn't right here.

  71. NTA but what does having a a dairy allergy have to do with your kid having manners or respect. I can't believe he spoke to you that way and clearly doesn't care about following the rules or authoritative figures. If you don't nip that on the bud soon you are going to have something much worst on your hands

  72. NTA. Your son is 9; he is hearing "shit" and "c**t" from somewhere. I would be wary of who is causing this influence on your son. From other comments, it sounds like you need to be talking to his mother.

  73. I think the worst punishment would be no birthday parties for a while. If he asks why then tell him you need to save for his college and can’t afford the hospital bills.

  74. This is bad, OP. Your son is not in a healthy place and desperately needs intervention by a professional. This is not normal behavior in the slightest. Reddit isn't going to help, I'm sorry

  75. Wow, your 9-year old is calling you a c*nt? and saying your cooking is sh*t? Holy smokes if you grounded him for that alone you wouldn't be the AH, the fact that he is actively trying to eat food that would kill him, and grounding him would help, is just a bonus.

  76. NTA and everything he calls you out your name, add another day to his grounding. He should not be disrespecting you like that. So if he didn't want the cupcakes, he didn't have to eat them, but from now on, no birthday parties without you being there. Obviously he isn't worried about dying, so you now know he cannot be trusted to go anywhere without you being there to monitor his intake. He will really have to learn about actions and consequences.

  77. NTA, but you will be if you don't punish him for his disrespect. Grounding the rest of the week isn't nearly long enough for what he put Mike and you through. For 2-3 weeks. No tablet, no phone, no computer, no TV unless it's a family thing. For the language, put liquid soap on his toothbrush and have him scrub them out, but stay there and make sure he does.

  78. NTA Wow your 9 year old needs to understand he can die. Maybe bring up news stories about kids passing away from their food allergies and make him read them. You should also start looking up cupcake recipes or tort recipes and start making them with him so you can find something he will find appetizing

  79. Dude. Your son has a serious mental or emotional issue that is above Reddit paygrade. It's also above your paygrade to fix.

  80. So, as others have pointed out in the comments: gaming obviously has less than nothing to do with this.

  81. YTA. Don’t you think almost dying is punishment enough? If that doesn’t get the point across any punishment is waste of time.

  82. NTA. My son had food allergies as well, so I understand how stressful it is to ensure they're safe. Can you involve your son in future decisions? Like at the next event, before you even plan making substitutes, ask your son what his strategy is in case that X is served? He's at an age where some autonomy over his own well being may work. Your son is likely feeling self conscious that he has his own cupcakes that no one else is eating, but everyone else gets the cake. He may not actually think your cupcakes are terrible.

  83. The child has issues. I wasn't allowed to have processed foods when I was 7 due to some health problems. No junk food at all. Imagine a 7 yr old denied anything junk/wrapped in plastic. My mom explained that doctor says no because my body can't handle it. I didn't eat anything processed till I was 10. This child knows it might kill him, that his father was trying to keep him safe and called his father names. He had major issues. NTA.

  84. INFO Does your son really understand the severity of anaphylaxis? Does he grasp the truth that if other people don’t react quickly enough, he will die? Because if he doesn’t, then you need to get with his GP and figure out how to make sure he does. However, if he already does understand the potential consequences, you need to stop looking at this as a behavioral issue and start looking at serious therapy, because it sounds an awful lot like your son is already very comfortable with the concept of self harm, and is potentially at the point where he’s stopped caring whether he lives or dies

  85. Dude...what is going on in your household that your 9 year old has a death wish, zero self control, zero respect for adults and uses language which most teenagers would hesitate from using in the same room as a parent? Get some fucking control over your life, because at 9 if a child is this far gone, it's because the parents aren't doing their job. YTA for being the type of parent who results in this kind of kid.

  86. NTA. He sounds like he has some anger issues. It's concerning that he was so reckless with his health and lashing out at you.

  87. “I was upset that he used such language to describe my baking” oh yes - “and that he purposefully put his life in danger”. This sounds like bollocks to me

  88. NTA. Not so much about the eating the cake but for his disrespectful language. Seems like something is going on at his mom’s

  89. NTA - this is appropriate punishment. After that 1st Epi-pen injection my 4 y/o with a tree nut allergy understood that he couldn’t have any tree nut containing items and would even ask at dinner time if the rice had tree nuts in it. I would say that you have a bigger problem on your hands with your 11 y/o is speaking to you with foul language and that’s a no - go.

  90. Nta. But punishing him for this isn't going to help. He's a kid who, justifiably, finds it unfair that he has to eat the subpar foods.

  91. NTA. My 8 year-old son has a non-life threatening dairy allergy (knock on wood it stays that way) and he has been able to read labels and avoid dairy since he was diagnosed a year ago. He won’t even give me a kiss if I’ve eaten dairy. In my son’s case the most he gets is embarrassed since it causes digestive issues - paint blistering gas and diarrhea.

  92. NTA but I would say he was punished by his allergic reaction. His behavior and lack of respect towards you deserve quadruple the grounding, however.

  93. NTA he is trying to intimidate you to lessen the consequence. He did the wrong thing he knows it and you have to parent him. It will be exactly the same for other things and you need to stand firm because if you given once you'll see it is a weakness ill try and negotiate himself out of everything in the future

  94. Your son sounds like a little spoiled AH. Aside from that he obviously knows he wasn't supposed to eat that cake and did it anyways. He needs some kind of help.

  95. why do you let a 9 year old call you a C word? How does he even know that word. Im thinking YTA because you let your kid talk like that.

  96. NTA. You did everything to ensure your son would be safe and feel included. He’s beyond cruel in the way he speaks to you. Does he have a history or behavioral issues?

  97. omg, NTA. agreeing with all of the others saying he needs therapy, and i’m also wondering where he’s learning the language he is? his peers?? jesus. i’m so sorry you’re going through this.

  98. NAH. He’s nine years old. No one has a great grasp on mortality at 9 years old. However he needs to understand what would happen if he didn’t get to the hospital in time. How it would feel (it’s pretty excruciating by all accounts) and what permanent damage it could do to him and how that damage could impact the rest of his life if he was lucky enough to survive it. It’s not fair that some kids have allergies and others don’t but fairness has nothing to do with allergies at all. He needs to prove he us responsible with his own well being or he will have to be watched by his parents or someone that will do it for him. It’s up to him if he wants to act like a baby with no self control or a big kid who can be trustednot to make bad decisions.

  99. NTA. You also have bigger issues if your son is calling you names like that. Does he have other problems? That’s not normal behaviour, doing something purposely that will 100% injure him, endanger his life and also ruin the party for others. I don’t know that a week is long enough

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