AITA for telling my husband it's time to hash things out with my mom?

  1. Like if it’s “behaving like an adult” or whatever why is she not even more pissed at her mom since she’s been an adult even longer?? She upset he wants to defend his mother from baseless accusations but shes defending her mother even harder and that’s okay? Jesus like I’m not sure why she even got married if all she cares about is pleasing her mother at her husbands expense. Truly OP, your mom is the only issue here. Make these demands of HER, not your poor husband

  2. Well said! If this had been written from the husband's perspective, we would all be saying, "You have a wife problem, not a mother in law problem." I feel so bad for him.

  3. OP just when DH to be her mommy’s punchingball not be dragged into drama. How she cannot see how much of an asshole she is? Like mother like daughter it seems…

  4. Bang on. I think OP wants her husband there even though he’s miserable to be her meat shield. If he’s not there to take mummy’s shit, it might land on her. OP, your husband is probably over posting in JUSTNOSO right now.

  5. Couldn't have said it better myself. OP is 100% YTA. Clearly she prefers her mother to continue belittle the husband. Then blames him for "not being an angel himself".

  6. But she is such a good boat steadier! The best! Doesn’t he see that if he doesn’t help stop the boat from rocking it will just tip? WHY ISNT HE HELPING CALM THE BOAT! /s

  7. All of this. YTA and I would have left a partner who didn't defend me by now, so he's a stronger person than I am. Don't go like you're single, don't go at all until your mother treats your partner with respect. If you're going to opt out of helping him, he's allowed to not go and that's on your own head. He should find someone who respects him a little more.

  8. Couldn't have framed this better. YTA 100% OP. You state your mom instigates these arguments. YOU defend her but not your husband. Your mother INSULTS his mother and you tell him to be quiet and take it all? Unbelievable. If he's an adult and he should defend himself, with are you shushing him when he can defend himself? Look at the whole scenario, literally noone, especially you his wife is on his side. Please sit down, talk and sort this out properly, or y'all need to go separate ways because lifetime of dealing with a toxic MIL, that too with a wife who doesn't support her husband at all is so not worth it.

  9. exactly. you acknowledge your mother is the issue, force your husband to be around her, you don’t let him defend himself, you refuse to defend him … all because you don’t want to ‘look single’ in front of your family???

  10. If it were the other way around we would be outraged about the mistreatment and advise divorce. OP's husband, divorce this woman like yesterday! YTA

  11. That’s exactly what’s happening, and the husband does not need to tolerate that. I would be livid if I had a partner who expected me to tolerate constant nitpicking from their parent.

  12. Exactly! And I have to wonder if husband is OP's meatshield. Is the reason why she's okay with him taking the hits because then she doesn't have to?

  13. Just to add onto this, OP's messaging isn't even consistent to her poor husband. In the moment, he's supposed to "let it go and stay calm", but when he brings it up at home, he's supposed to "hash things out with her". I'd be very frustrated about what OP actually wants from in this case.

  14. This is a similar situation that happened with me and my ex's mom. My ex pretty much told me that I needed to be the bigger person and that me not wanting to be in his mom's life was a deal breaker. Best part is he barely gets along with his mom (yet wonders why she cries about being alone when she is old and grey)🤣

  15. Poor OP's husband, being bullied by his MIL at a function and by his wife at home. Dude has no place to chill except maybe at work.

  16. OP literally behaves just like her mother does - expect the husband to take any crap that's aid about/to him, and he's not supposed to react to it!!

  17. Yup, OP’s husband isn’t being childish by wanting to defend himself and avoid someone who is cruel to him every time they see each other. He is doing what he can to protect himself since OP doesn’t want him to defend himself and refuses to defend him as well.

  18. This. My husband is the son my mother never had (I’m an only child), but even if she didn’t adore him- I wouldn’t expect to be married very long if I told him to swallow this kind of behavior at every family event.

  19. Honestly OP is an enabler of her mother. The sooner her husband realizes that her family is toxic and leaves the better off he’ll be. YTA and you know it.

  20. Not to mention when OP told husband to just try to ignore it, he LISTENED. The respect in this relationship seems very one sided. OP needs a serious reality check.

  21. As a general social norm (and also pretty commonly agreed upon on this sub), it is pretty obvious that husbands are expected to defend their wives and stand up for them, so why shouldn’t the same standards apply to women too? Irrespective of that, OP needs to either stand up from her husband or not force him to join her family gatherings. YTA

  22. YTA. What’s the matter with you? Your mum keeps picking fights with your husband and rather than speaking with your mum about it and placing boundaries, you instead tell your husband to shut up and take it?

  23. YTA. We talk about men standing up to overbearing mothers all the time - the answer being to stand with your spouse - but you are telling your spouse to suck it up and making him deal directly with her? No. Not cool. And then there is this gem:

  24. OP sounds so stupid and I agree with her husband when he said “If you’re not going to be involved in the situation, then don’t tell me how to deal with it”.

  25. If OP doesn’t get her shit together, she’ll be going alone to family functions like she’s single because she will be.

  26. YTA. It is 100% your job to have this out with your mum. It is always on the spouse whose family is behaving badly to set their family straight. You are meant to have your husband's back. Your mum sounds like a really odious woman and I can't blame your husband for not letting things go. How dare she say things like that about his mum? You are failing as a wife. Do better.

  27. OP was raised by a critical, negative awful person and it certainly seems to have negatively affected her. OP sounds like a terribly unsupportive partner, I can't imagine anyone speaking like that to my husband, telling him his mother isn't proud? I would have lost it.

  28. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

  29. My guess is it's Mom that's dumping all that "single" shit on OP. Just imagine what she do with a divorce!

  30. OP has been gaslighted by mommy dearest her whole life. She actually thinks this is NORMAL so althought I completely agree shes the asshole, she is ALSO a victim to her mothers cruelty. It is definitely OP’s responsibility to deal with this mess that HER mother made. She needs to seek a therapist for help navigating this. Its a painful realization that your mom is actually a raging jackass but she’s going to have to start accepting it or else end up divorced!!

  31. I’m going to go with YTA. You admitted that your mother baits him. And what she said on this particular occasion there is no excuse for. Why aren’t you standing up for your husband? Tell your mom to cut it out. I don’t understand why you think it is incumbent on him to take her nasty comments. You keep saying he’s an adult-well isn’t your mother too?

  32. Your mom is the problem and so are you, not taking your husband's side when he is being attacked for no reason. He has the right to defend himself. If he has been treated like that the whole time, it's normal that he doesn't want to see your mom. He has the right to make that decision for his own well-being. YTA

  33. YTA. You should have put your mom straight long ago about what was acceptable behavior towards your husband. Instead you make him go and be put in a position to put up with her nonsense. I see you say he’s partly to blame, but I think you are mostly to blame.

  34. YTA YTA YTA like cosmic proportions. You are allowing your mother to snipe away freely, not valuing your husband or his apparently valid perspective, and then you make it worse by blaming him for being upset. Just wow.

  35. YTA - If your Mom is the one instigating the argument, then your Mom need to be the one put in check. You need to tell her to learn to keep quiet and if she doesn't call her out in front of him so she sees she is out of line and you husband sees support

  36. YTA - your precious mommy insults your husband and you not only don’t defend him but you force him to take it silently?!? Why the fuck is he still married to you?

  37. YTA you are allowing your mom to sit and constantly talk shit but he's immature for responding? You are really going to sit there and tell the man he has to just sit there and take it.

  38. If OP husbands mom treated her the exact same as her mom treats her husband she would be livid! Especially if her husband didn’t do anything about it. OP is a hypocrite.

  39. INFO: do you ever stand up to your mum on behalf of your husband? To me it seems like your mum starts these situation, and your husband actually has a backbone and won’t be bullied by your mum.

  40. You are the asshole. Not only did you not stick up for your husband to your mom, you didn't stop her behavior in the past. He is right, and who would blame him for never going to your mom's again? And by the way, when he stops going and your mom starts to attack him for that, and she will, you should do the right thing and tell her to stop. Honestly if it was me and she couldn't respect my husband and starts trouble, I would put her on the low contact list. Get a clue.

  41. YTA. And you have the audacity to start yelling at him when he points out that you don't ever defend him when your mother says vile things like that. Shame on you.

  42. YTA your mother insulted your MIL and you couldn’t stand up for her? much less the mother of your husband? and honestly i’d have stopped seeing your family years ago, after we divorced. your husband’s a saint.

  43. Yta. Your mother is verbally abusing your husband, and all your doing is telling him to shut up and take it. You are a bad wife.

  44. YTA and a massive one. It IS your job to handle your family. And as for the last line about punishing you for something you didnt do. What you didnt do was standing up for your partner.

  45. YTA. You can't first say how important it is that he goes so that YOU will be comfortable (all the while he's super UNcomfortable), and then just stand idly by while your mother instigates fights with him. If I were he, I'd go no contact with your mum.

  46. YTA. How did you think otherwise? I mean, even aside from the common kindness of not letting a bully pick on someone you care about…you insist he goes to spare your feelings! That means you have the responsibility to make sure he isn’t miserable while your bizarrely aggressive mother attacks him. Like if you invite a coeliac out to dinner, and insist on picking the venue, you at least make sure there is food they can eat.

  47. YTA your mom is bully and big AH. You say to your husband stf and listen to the bully. You should straighten up bully!

  48. YTA. Your mom insulted him and his family. And you admit she usually starts it. And your response “well you said mean things too before?”

  49. YTA - your mom, your responsibility. You chose your husband to be your partner so be his. He needs to come first just like he should be putting you first. When your mom insults him, defend him and call her out on it. If he is the one instigating, call him out on it. A conversation between all 3 could be useful, but not until you show that you’ll support your partner 100%

  50. YTA. he's totally right here : you're refusing to help sort out the situation but expect him to handle it the way you do, aka shut up and suck it up. you dont even allow him to not come with you because you "dont want to look single".also, they arent "nitpicking at eachother's words", your mother is straight insulting your husband or his family, and he's the one at fault for wanting to defend himself? you're right about one thing tho, he did punish for something you didnt do : have his back, for the better and the worst...

  51. YTA. You are expecting your husband to just suck up abuse from your mom and acting like it is his fault. Stand up for your spouse, she is YOUR MOTHER. You two are supposed to be a partnership / unit. You need to do some soul searching, or you deserve to be single.

  52. YTA. If my mom ever disrespected my husband this way, I would not hesitate to put her in her place, and I know he’d do the same for me. The fact that you admit it’s your mom who starts, and then you refuse to stop her, of course your husband has no choice but to escalate! And then to deny him the solution of just removing himself from the situation just because it would make you uncomfy? You’re beyond selfish and a pretty terrible spouse if you can’t even do the bare minimum of standing by your husband in a situation where he clearly needs you. Your husband’s solution of not interacting with your mom is a good solution. It’s your side of the family starting shit, so it’s your job to put an end to it, or, like he said, don’t try to control how he deals with it.

  53. YTA. I’m in the EXACT same situation and I know better than to force the issue when it’s my family that’s starting shit. Your husband should not be forced to take your family’s abuse.

  54. YTA you’re letting your mother insult your husband and expect him to just take it? Heck no. The long-term solution is for your husband to not visit your mom because you are a bad spouse. As someone who has a shit MIL the only reason I’m with my wife is because she either shuts it down hard or she lets me. Your childish need to not be alone at functions doesn’t override your husbands need to not be constantly insulted.

  55. YTA You're being a terrible wife! Your mother mistreats your husband and not only do you stand by and watch it happen, but you also want him to stay quiet and just take it?? Your husband is going to end up leaving you and you deserve it.

  56. YTA your mother is a child looking for a reaction and instead of politely asking her to keep her mouth closed if she has nothing nice to say you expect your husband to sit and take it with no backup or support from his partner, that's you BTW your supposed to be a team in a relationship you've really let him down. And if that wasn't enough you think he should keep tolerating it

  57. YTA. Just go see your mom on your own. Would you rather feel single at family events, or actually be single at family events? If you keep forcing your husband to interact with your mother, who sounds fucking intolerable, you probably won’t even have to worry about it anymore. Support your husband.

  58. YTA. It's not unreasonable necessarily to want husband to refrain from escalating, but OP is seriously enabling her cruel bully of a MiL. She needs to step up and intervene with her mom to stop the AH comments. Husband needs some

  59. YTA. Stand up for you husband when your mom blatantly insults him and his family or let him decide that he doesn’t want to be around her. You are the one that let this become a big problem by trying to force your husband to be a doormat.

  60. YTA. You are a terrible wife who is allowing your mother to abuse your husband and blaming him for it. She is starting situationsbthat escalate because she knows you won't have your husband's back and you won't support him. You get an 'F' as a spouse. Do better; or have the decency to divorce your husband so he can find a decent woman.

  61. YTA, your mother is obviously being very antagonistic. You need to talk to her about her behavior as well. You can’t expect your husband to just put up with it.

  62. You are a GIANT asshole. If you weren’t an asshole you would have stood up to your mom years ago and protected your husband (for better or for worse, remember that bit?)

  63. YTA why are you insisting your husband takes abuse from your mother? Tell her to stop being toxic as hell and neither of you will visit until she learns to behave.

  64. YTA - and I don’t think “he is acting childishly” by putting up boundaries for himself to limit spending time with & getting insulted by your mum. I would be so embarrassed if my family member said those things to someone I loved (or anyone for that matter), tell your mum to stop it.

  65. Yeah. YTA. It’s one thing if they were both doing this but for you to stand by while she took shots at his mom - on Mother’s Day!?

  66. What? Do you like not care about your husband's feelings? You want him to just sit there and let your mom insult him and his family? Just let him stay home.

  67. YTA. If you want him yo go with you then you fix the problem. How would you feel if his mother insulted you and he did nothing?.

  68. YTA. It’s your job to handle your mother and draw boundaries with her downright inappropriate behavior. The fact that you refuse to do so is a pretty clear indicator that you’re not ready for marriage at all.

  69. YTA and anyone who says otherwise is delusional. Your mum insults him and then you tell him not to react but want him to stand up for himself? Jesus you sound exhausting…..

  70. YTA. He came up with a perfectly valid solution to him and your mom constantly sniping at each other: not being around each other to set each other off. If you don't like that idea, then he's right: you need to be the one to give your mom the same candid feedback you're so quick to give him about her role in these fights and why you need it to stop. He certainly can't do it by just sitting down and talking things out with her like you're suggesting, or there wouldn't be a problem here in the first place.

  71. YTA- stop subjecting him to hateful people. My in-laws are real shit I used to do this shit- go along try not to defend myself allow them to talk stupid shit- I began to really really not like my spouse because of it. Let him stay home or do something else when you decide you want to visit- you’re taking time and joy from him and that’s selfish af

  72. YTA, sounds to me like you are using your husband as a shield so your mother's vitriol won't be directed at you. I'm thinking that OP was probably on the receiving end of their mothers insults since childhood and now OP can hide behind her husband while he takes the hits so she won't be on the receiving end. Not a good way to keep a healthy marriage going. If it was my mom, I'd be calling her up and letting her know she either starts behaving better around me and my SO or she'll be seeing a lot less of us in the future

  73. Wow, YTA. Your poor husband has to put up with your mother's snarky bullying and you want him to hash things out? I think you need to have a stern word with your mean mother and defend your husband instead if handing him over like a lamb to be slaughtered at these family functions.

  74. YTA- Your mom didn’t need to say that to you husband and why aren’t you telling your mom to cut it out? You are the only reason your husband has to put up with her. You are insisting that he accompany you to your family functions so YOU need to stand up for him him he’s being attacked especially if you’re asking him to stay calm. Her words were trying to provoke him and you know it. Why didn’t you say anything to shut it down? Keep this up and you’re going to be attending your family functions as a divorcée.

  75. YTA. From what you've said, your mom has no reason to be hateful with your SO, & you should stand up for him, not volunteer him for more unreasonable abuse by making him 'talk it out' with her or yell at him because his patience has finally been worn to a shred. Why should he suffer the MIL from hell just because you don't want to show up at family functions on your own? Is that seriously how you're going to prioritize your life, your birth family over the family you're choosing to make with this guy you supposedly love?

  76. YTA. And selfish. You don't want him to say anything when she starts insulting him or his family, you don't want him to not go and just avoid her, and you don't want to address the issue with your own mother either. The only "solution" you've been "comfortable" with so far is for him to sacrifice his comfort, and his feelings, for you and your nasty mother. And now you want him to "hash it out" with her?

  77. YTA. As others have pointed out, you already know that your mom is the instigator. Your husband has offered a solution to the problem (removing himself from the situation altogether) but you're not satisfied with it, yet you also don't want to make any sort of effort to resolve this issue. So at this point it's on you. Either figure it out yourself, or accept that he won't be going to your family functions.

  78. Sorry, but your husband is 100% right and YTA. It is very common practice in HEALTHY relationships for the child of the problem parent to deal with it. She's your mom, she's the one causing problems, it's your responsibility to step in. Seriously, go binge some Carolyn Hax chats. That's what's always suggested in these situations. Same with putting up a healthy boundary of not going to the home of someone being so hostile. This man is your HUSBAND. When you get married, you don't stay a baby under your mamas control and add a husband into the mix. You choose your spouse, above all others, and you support them. Not your mom that causes all the problems in the first place! You need to take a hard look at yourself and how you're contributing to this and apologize to your husband.

  79. You are the asshole without a doubt and the problem is you cant even see it. You dont want him to defend himself when your mother starts shit but you want him to be there for you but you dont want to defend him either and you insist he goes with you. You are the asshole and selfish he deserves much more from you.

  80. YTA. Your mother is verbally abusive towards your husband and your solution is that he just sits there and takes it so you can play happy family.

  81. YTA. YTA. YTA. He’s supposed to sit there and take it while she insults his MOTHER, but your Mother can’t be told her actions are insufferable and mean?

  82. YTA to you and your mother. Your husband is only defending himself, if you should be giving that ultimatum to anyone it’s your mother. She created the situation. I’m betting your husband would be willing to go with it if she was only attacking him but she went after his mother and he could do nothing because you don’t like it when he acts like a man.

  83. girl u gonna end up single with your husband posting on the MILs from hell subreddit. YTA. stick up for your poor husband and tell your mom to shut the fuck up 😂

  84. I would've taken the bed and put your ass on the couch honestly, because that's where you need to be until you realize that your mom's the problem.

  85. First off YTA so many times over. So so much are YTA. Maybe you need to look into getting a shiny spine and standing up to your own horrible mother so your husband doesn’t have to. How dare you make him face that. How dare you the “not allow” him not to go be abused for hours. How dare you not speak up for him. You are just ugh. Tell him there’s a whole sun called justNoMil and he is welcome to join. He needs the support since you are ok with him being verbally abused at your mothers pleasure. They fight because of your mother and your husband stands up for himself. I would leave a relationship over this and not look back. I hope you don’t have kids together so he isn’t stuck with you.

  86. He’s going to leave you. You are selfish and clearly kind of simple. You are letting your husband be harassed by your mother repeatedly because she’s a petty shit starter and now you’re blaming him and can’t be bothered to defend him. If you’re this out of touch, you deserve whatever comes of this. YTA

  87. Way to pick your mom over your husband. He offered a solution, one your refused because you are, once again, thinking of your own comfort and desires.

  88. YTA. Your mum is a nightmare and you're happy for your husband to be treated like shit just so your mum can continue to be a nightmare. Do you want to be his ex-wife? No? Then put his feelings before your mums. He shouldn't be forced to be your meat shield. Will your mum treat you worse if he doesn't show up? Also, it is your problem to deal with. It's YOUR family. Do you ever tell your mum to suck it up or to stop giving him a hard time?

  89. Wow I've heard of momma boys but a mommas girl is much more rare. And you say he needs to grow up. So let me get this clear. You drag him around your abusive mother, beg him to not defend himself while live then later on try to shame him for wanting you too! YTA.

  90. This is our situation too but I would NEVER treat my husband like you. The first time my mom started that mess I shut her down and we had a major blowout and we didn't talk for 2 months till she apologized. We had another situation and we all sat down and hashed it out together, me setting boundaries for my mom mostly and most importantly being a united front with my husband. We have come to an understanding now that works for everyone and no one is dis respected. YTA for not holding your mom accountable, and putting your husband in an impossible situation where your whole family might hate him.

  91. My dad hardly ever stood up to my grandmother when she insulted my mom. It got so bad that when my mom wrote her letters, gramma would write back with corrections circled in red. Gramma was a savage towards her. The only one who could get her off my mom's back was her husband, and he died shortly after my parents got married so my mom often felt like she had to fend for herself. And my dad was so afraid of his mother, desperate for her approval, that he never really did anything to stop her after his dad died.

  92. The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree, you are shitty wife and your husband has a you problem. You expected him to sit through his mum being disrespected, not say anything and be ok. YTA and I your husband leaves you

  93. YTA - So blinded by your shitty mother. Who makes a comment like that on Mother's day? Shitty people. The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

  94. YTA. you say "he's an adult, why should i defend him while he hides behind me?" BECAUSE YOU TOLD HIM NOT TO DEFEND HIMSELF! of course he's going to ask you to do something about it, if you won't let him do it himself. you just want to appease your mommy and for some reason, can't see that SHE is the problem that needs fixing, not your husband.

  95. The only time my mother insulted or insinuated my significant other was not a good person, I snapped at her and put her in her place.

  96. YTA. So your husband tells you he can’t handle it. You tell him that you’re gonna force him to go anyway because you’re uncomfortable going over alone “as if you are single “ (how old are you anyway?). He’s offering a good solution. Your mother is an asshole. You want him to shut the fuck up and just deal with it. He’s obviously unable to do this. You are not respecting him and you’re not supporting him and you’re not compromising with him so that he feels comfortable and OK. You’re not stopping your mother from her behavior. Your husband needs to stay away. You need to love and respect and honor him and care about how he’s doing and understand that his needs are important. You need to understand that your own thing about being embarrassed or insecure or whatever going to your own family is something that you need to take responsibility for. Go see a therapist. Figure it out. That’s your responsibility. He isn’t acting childish Lee. You are completely disregarding him. You are such an asshole.

  97. You are responsible for standing up for your husband. It is your Mother and you are allowing her to continue treating him like this. You need to set boundaries for your mother and make her understand that you do not find her behavior acceptable, comfortable or attractive. Especially if she starts it.

  98. YTA. If the tables were reversed and it was his mom being shitty to you, then you would expect him to defend you or respect your decision to not join events that include her. Maybe instead of blaming your husband for making you look single because he wishes to draw a boundary to avoid being abused, you blame your mother for being unwelcoming and demeaning. Your mom installed and programmed the buttons she pushes and you're entrenched in her behavior, further enabling it.

  99. YTA. If you’re so afraid of seeming “single” when you’re at family gatherings, start sticking up for your husband and shut your mom’s bullshit down. Otherwise you won’t just SEEM single, you will BE single.

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