AITA for ‘alienating’ a friend after we walked out and lost our deposit because she brought her baby to the restaurant?

  1. Or asked in the group chat, "help! my sitter just cancelled on me for tonight, does anyone know someone who could babysit?"

  2. Yeah, that's how it works. Can't get a sitter, can't go. It sucks, but that's part of having a baby. Your hands are tied while it needs care.

  3. There never was a sitter. She doesn't even have the money for her part of the deposit. She is mostly on of those mums that think "if i bring my baby, the are forced to cater to it". It was her fault that made you all lose your deposit. She could just have called when then imaginary sitter couldn't come, but nooooo.

  4. She should have canceled!! Here’s the thing I don’t get, I’ve had a baby, at that age bringing him along to a place like this, even without the smoke, sounds like a fucking nightmare for me. I wouldn’t be able to fully concentrate on the conversation, couldn’t really relax and have fun, why would I put myself through it? Why wouldn’t I just stay home and catch them next time? Why parents torture themselves this way due to…fomo I guess…I will never understand.

  5. I don't think the issue is that she showed up with the baby, but that she doesn't want to pay the deposit. My take is, I'd want to be supportive of a genuine friendship and I much rather be with a friend even if that makes not smoking. Though, it seems she's well aware of the deposit beforehand, so I don't understand why she would not want to pay something already agreed upon.

  6. I'm gonna go with the sitter cancelled when she asked for free service. Then she wanted a free dinner and now she wants to not pay her share of the bill.

  7. She didn't even pay the deposit (if I read it correctly) so the only logical solution would have been staying at home.

  8. How can people who lack this much common sense exist? Let alone have a child...I can't even. I mean sure it would be sad not going but your baby's health is more important, all she had to do was to give you guys a minute call explaining the sitter cancelled and that would be fine...instead she's shown your friend group that she might be dumb enough to bring her baby to activities that are not kid friendly if she doesn't get a sitter. Her actions are what caused her to get alienated.

  9. Yep. NTA. Having A Child 101: Can't get a sitter? Guess what. You don't get to go out. Those are the sacrifices you make when you have a child. You don't inconvenience your friends when you make plans that don't include children. And I have kids so this isn't coming from someone who is child-free.

  10. For sure. Like, the VERY LEAST you can do when your snafu meant that no one could be seated without you nor sit outside where the only available table was because you didn’t want your baby to smell smoke at a place whose whole purpose is to smoke is pay YOUR SHARE. She didn’t even do that. I’d ghost someone for that alone.

  11. It's worse than that, add selfish and inconsiderate. she f'd over some really good friends. They could've easily let the baby sit in smoke or ate at the restaurant without her. They chose her and her child's health and she's too entitled to see it. I'm sure they created another gc to just to talk about her

  12. Yes exactly! If the really was a good friend she would have canceled the minute the sitter did. And if she really is as dumb as she claims to be in thinking she could get the whole group to not smoke (cigarettes or shisha) and still not realizing everyone else at the restaurant would be smoking; she would have paid the whole deposit. Or at the very least realized her mistake and go home with her baby and let y’all enjoy your Friday night.

  13. If she couldn’t afford the deposit and clearly didn’t bring any cash then I guess she expected them to pay for her meal as well?

  14. NTA- she is selfish and should have cancelled when her babysitter cancelled on her. Regardless of having a kid she made it worse by not paying up when asked. You guys are right to not invite her to anything else.

  15. ESP since she technically saved money by not having to pay a babysitter. Probably wouldn’t have paid her part of the bill at all

  16. I agree with NTA, but I think the mom needs a new group of friends. No fault on anyone, but it sounds like she’s feeling isolated anyway and pretty desperate for adult company.

  17. Or she could have done the honest thing at least and when she realised it wouldn’t work said ‘this isn’t going to happen. You guys enjoy yourself, I’ll go home.’

  18. NTA. Yes, it's hard to be a new mother, and it's hard to have to deal with sitters cancelling, but what on earth was she thinking taking a baby to a shisha restaurant?!

  19. Exactly. Even if she made a lapse in judgement with the choice to show up to the restaurant with her baby instead of cancelling (it's still selfish, but I would forgive a new mom for that choice) her actions that followed show that she is an AH.

  20. Honestly people with children have to come to terms with the fact that world does not revolve around them

  21. I had to Google that and that was my first thought when I learned it was a hookah. Let adult places be adult places, and don’t have your baby around smoke!

  22. OP, NTA. However, as someone in my 30s (no kids yet), I'm seriously afraid I'll end up being lonely at somepoint. She fucked up, but everyone should have some friends to be with. Ofc, you are not obligated to it, but I'm assuming you have been friends for some time already? Thus, I'd suggest to have a thorough talk with her. Explain how and why she messed up, and what needs to change. She has to realize that she needs to be ready to make compromises now that she has a baby and not expect everyone around her to compromise for her sake every time. If she doesn't get it and continues to be an ass, let her know and go LC. But please, PLEASE don't give the silent treatment now without telling her what you others think.

  23. If she could not pay for her share of the deposit, was she planning on skipping out on the check as well? If she could not afford to eat out, she should have declined the invitation.

  24. I don't understand why you walked out? Why didn't you sit in the smoking section? She then could have stayed or left on her own!

  25. This is what i dont get. Were babies forbidden in the restaurant? They wanted a table outside, they got it. Then, change of plans can we get one inside? No chance, everything is booked. So...sit down on the table you originally had? The only reasonable decision is to..leave?

  26. That was my first thought. She was being shitty. Just go to your reserved area and enjoy your night. If she wants to join, ok. If she’s unreasonable, ok. She can leave.

  27. I could be mistaken, but I believe the original post said that this is the kind of place that won’t seat you unless your whole party is there. So if the woman with the baby had left, they wouldn’t have been seated (unless they grabbed another random person to sit at their table) and would have lost their deposit anyway. They only could have stayed if they ALL stayed, and I don’t know if new mom would have gone for that.

  28. NTA. This discussion could have taken no more than 30 seconds at the restaurant. “are you happy to repay the deposit we lost and we can go eat as a group somewhere else?” if not why couldn’t the rest of you still eaten there?

  29. We did have this talk though, that’s why people are upset. Everyone agreed to pay their share of the deposit 🥲

  30. NTA, she can begin by paying towards the lost deposit. At same time, if restaurant was that busy I don't understand need for them to keep deposit.

  31. Same reason any business anywhere at all keeps your deposit when you flake on a reservation. It’s what the deposit is for. To encourage you to not flake on your reservation.

  32. Reservations take work. Implementing a system, paying the online server to maintain it, prepping the table, ensuring the table is open and ready at the appropriate time....it's a decent amount of coordination, and more work that flipping tables over as groups stagger in randomly.

  33. A way to prevent people from reserving haphazardly just to keep an option open, and then cancelling. Basically a way of restaurants to deal with AHs that don't mind cutting into a business just to make their last minute decision lifestyle possible.

  34. Busier restaurants actually have MORE of a reason to use this system than quieter restaurants, because other potential customers were likely turned away to keep that table open for you.

  35. NTA. She shouldn’t have gone if she didn’t have a sitter. I could blame baby brain if it’s a newborn, but she still should have paid you back. She would have had to pay for her meal anyways unless she was already planning on mooching off someone. Ridiculous.

  36. NTA - As a mum it’s times like this that you have to message and cancel not bring the child. This is part and parcel of being a parent. It doesn’t always work out that you can go to everything!

  37. Yep, she really needs to make some mom friends. Especially if she wants to save the relationship with the old friend group.

  38. I havent seen my best friend in a while because he had a baby who is now like 4 but now he got a new baby. So last time I invited him it was like this:

  39. He should have said “you guys go have fun, let me and my family take you out to a birthday lunch sometime soon!” At least, that’s how I handle that situation.

  40. (I say this as a parent, mind you) Asking you to change your plans was a bit much. A kid (or two) at lunch? It becomes a show featuring the kid. The moment he suggested doing something child-friendly…yikes on bikes! Organize that yourself, dad. This is trazoM’s gig.

  41. I’m pretty sure she had no intention of paying for her dinner. She would have asked someone else to cover it (“mommy brain! I forgot my wallet!”) and then would have played the poor impoverished mommy card when that person tried to collect.

  42. Nta. She should have stayed home if she couldn't afford it, when her sitter backed out. She's being selfish and still hasn't accepted responsibility. She's gonna have to grow up soon as a parent.

  43. NTA but tell her to take the money she didn’t pay the sitter and the money she would have spent on the dinner and use that for the deposit. If she can afford a babysitter and dinner at a restaurant then she’s not hurting for money. Also tell her that she’s not invited to things because she hasnt paid the deposit back. She needs to apologize to everyone.

  44. Nta, I'm sorry but that woman really needs to take a hard look at her behavior. You don't bring a baby to a hookah lounge. Wtf. Just, ugh. The sitter cancels, tough luck, time for her to stay home for the night.

  45. NTA. She owes the person that booked the table her portion. Actually, she owes all of you because you lost the booking due to her. She should have called and cancelled, or left when she realized she couldn't stay with her baby. Also, what kind of a restaurant makes you pay in advance to reserve a table? Never heard of that outside of a large event.

  46. NTA- there is a reason why when you become a new mother you pretty much have to shed your friend group. Life is a parent revolves almost essentially around your child. It was wrong of her to think that she could bring a baby to an area that is well heavily smoked out. It was also wrong for her to think that you have to bend to her new change. Hopefully she has learned from this.

  47. NTA. She's doubly TA for showing up with a baby and then thinking she doesn't owr anything and it's not her fault. Who needs enemies with friends like her?

  48. NTA. She can’t be trusted to take care of her costs and parenting responsibilities, so you leave her behind. If you want to stay friends than tell her the truth.

  49. NTA, but I genuinely don’t understand why you all walked out. I have two kids who are grown now, but when they were little, I never would have expected my friends to miss out on their fun because of my children. This woman seems incredibly selfish, and not a very nice friend.

  50. NTA. You walked out for her and she didn't even have the decency to pay you back?! She's being ungrateful and demanding. It sucks when a sitter cancels but that's when you call your friends and say 'sorry, the sitter has cancelled - maybe next time!'

  51. Shisha is (often) flavoured tobacco smoked through a hooka, which is essentially a huge bong where the water goes in a receptacle at the bottom and the top is packed with tobacco with a burning bit of charcoal at the very top. You smoke it with a large, flexible straw and it's kind of a friendly way to spend a day in many parts of the middle east.

  52. NTA. People with kids need to accept that their activities may be restricted once they do, and it’s not the responsibility of their childless friends to constantly make accommodations for their children. If the choice is stay home or ruin the evening for everyone else by bringing your kid, you stay home. The universe doesn’t revolve around their baby.

  53. NTA tell her she needs to apologize and pay everyone back for the whole deposit or find friends that enjoy paying to have their night ruined.

  54. NTA She chose to bring her child, she didn’t think the smoking issue through (combined with it being a very busy night, so seating flexibility would be limited). Those are on her. Plus, when you set up a reservation for a set number of people, only that number of people should be in the party. A child/infant is a person, this means at least an extra chair or child’s seat. I don’t think this is cause for shunning her, especially if she had paid her share. Since she didn’t, it does make her a bit of an ah, thoughtless for sure. Hopefully she’ll take this as a learning situation, then also take responsibility for her decisions. Staying home was always an option.

  55. NTA. If she couldn’t afford to pay her portion of the deposit then why was she going out in the first place. She and her limited budget need to stay home.

  56. NTA she should have cancelled. Plus it looks like she wasn't even going to pay her share regardless. I'd quit inviting her out too.

  57. NTA. Friend with baby should have told group " my babysitter cancelled, sorry I cannot meet up with you all". Instead they gave no warning, showed up with baby, and told you " no smoking for you tonight". The mother with baby was completely in wrong for how they handled it. I suspect " babysitter cancelled" may have been a fib.

  58. Nta, the reason people aren’t inviting her isn’t just cause she brought a baby it’s cause she refused to pay. I think everyone would’ve been fine with losing the deposit if she apologized for the situation and payed her part. However to act she doesn’t have to pay is childish, not to mention she was going to pay for dinner. In hs and college I would let it go when some of my friends wouldn’t pay me for things but now that I’m out I don’t deal with people like that. If you don’t pay your share then we’re done, ur money isn’t more important then mine, we’re all adults.

  59. This person sounds incredibly immature. Personally, that would be the last invite she received from me & I’d make zero effort to include her in future plans. The time to have a discussion about a cancelled sitter is the minute the sitter cancels. I agree with others it sounds like she’s too broke to afford a sitter & decided to make it your problem. I noticed you went to disgusting McD’s instead of a decent restaurant as well.

  60. NTA. I am curious though how she would’ve paid for dinner (and possibly the sitter, if there even was one), when she hasn’t even paid her share of the deposit because of her “limited budget”.

  61. Welcome to being a parent. You don't get to go out like you used to. My wife and i used to go out every weekend. Now that we have kids, we go out a few times a year.

  62. NTA. Something seems fishy with this whole scenario. As a mom of 3, oldest 17, youngest 5...I find it hard to believe because the babysitter cancelled she would say oh well, let's go baby and without any notice that she was bringing her child. Like no! YOU DON'T GO, you sit this one out like parents do when this unexpectedly happens. Especially when it's an adult dinner and you never asked if your party would mind if you brought your baby. Then the whole not paying thing when it was HER fault her friends not only missed out on their planned dinner but lost money from the deposit. She probably never had a sitter and never planned on paying. Or has this lady lost her mind or always been this way. You and the rest of the dinner party are definitely NTA but Mom with baby surely is the AH.

  63. NTA I have kids and had I been in her shoes I would have cancelled on the group not brought the baby. That was selfish. Not coughing up her portion of the deposit is even more selfish. I hate wasting money and would have paid this.

  64. NTA. She should have paid her part or ultimately just stayed home when her sitter canceled. I'm a stay at home mom to an infant, I couldn't imagine expecting everyone to just accommodate me.

  65. NTA. She was grossly inconsiderate AND irresponsible. She’s gonna have to learn. When you have kids things change. You don’t get everything you want all the time and baby has to come first. That means, when sitter backs out, you text with your apologies.

  66. NTA! You lost your deposit because she brought her uninvited baby! Canceled sitter or not, she caused this fiasco!

  67. NTA, but you didn't have to leave. Your plan was to smoke some hookah, and her decision to bring the baby isn't anyone else's fault. Your line was, "Man, I'm really sorry your sitter cancelled--how do you think Baby would do with the smoke on the patio?"

  68. Ehh I was going toward N.A.H for a sec till I got to the bottom half. One it's was a plan group thing so yeah everyone was gonna chip in unless otherwise. Two she could of well simple enough not go because "mum on a budget" or because the babysitter cancelled... So NTA.. kinda bummer though sound like it been a good Friday night with the group.

  69. NTA Sorry (not sorry) parents of Reddit. This behaviour isn’t okay. No one wants to make awesome plans for Friday night and have you bring your kid unannounced

  70. Actions have consequences. Your friend just learned this the hard way. She isn't very bright, is she, to think that after refusing to pay her fair share of the deposit she'd still be a welcome member of the group. NTA.

  71. You're not alienating her, you're shunning her. She should have told you guys to stay while she went home. She compounded her error by not paying her portion of forcing the rest of you to lose money.

  72. In the most respectful way, she is a jacka**. She is also an example of why some people hate parents. Not one lick of thought went into her decision.

  73. I cut off people really easily and this is one of the friends I would cut off because if you pay for them now they will expect you to pay for them in the future. If she knew she had a "budget" as a "new mom" than she should of planned a head and not go. Her lack of budgeting and planning is not your inconvinced. NTA

  74. NTA you seem like really sweet considerate people, but she isn't. You seem like a better person than I am bc I would have just told her "oh we didn't invite you to X because we figured you couldn't afford it! I mean you haven't even been able to save up for the shisha place deposit! I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time :("

  75. NTA and I think that person is a liar and terrible friend. I wouldn't feel bad for her and also wouldn't talk to her again. I agree with many others that there never was a babysitter and that she had zero intention of paying any money at all.

  76. NTA. It’s not alienation, it’s the consequences of her own actions. You said no one wanted to be impolite and ask her to just leave, I think it’s impolite that SHE didn’t OFFER to leave. “Oops, well since I’m the only one that’s holding the party back I’ll sit this one out and catch you all at the next one. Have fun!” Would have been the appropriate response on her end. I think it’s justified that you’re all annoyed with her and don’t want to risk something similar happening again.

  77. NTA this can happen I feel bad for her but also I’m pretty sure it takes 2 to make a baby. I feel though she didn’t think this through bringing her baby to that type of place and you all seemed to have made an effort to give a lot of notice to include her

  78. NTA. It's weird for restaurants to charge a deposit, but if she demanded that you all don't go because she couldn't go, she should be responsible. If it weren't for the deposit, it shouldn't be a big deal to just go somewhere else unless it was specifically about going out to smoke.

  79. NTA. Her approach was selfish. There are reasonable behaviours and bringing a baby to a shisha bar is not one. If you were going to a club, showing up with a baby would be completely unacceptable. This is no different.

  80. Nta I dont understand how she didnt have a bunch of extra money available after not paying for a sitter. Mine usually cost me $60 minimum if I go out for any type of date night or to meet friends. But I also would have just not gone in this situation....does she regularly try to get you all to cover her bills?

  81. If she's so depressed, why didn't she offer to pay her share? Or just pay it. If she could afford to sit and do shiksa with you all, she could afford to pay her share of expenses. NTA.

  82. There is no alienating happening here, just her making herself more unlikeable by pulling crap like that plus how would she even pay the babysitter AND the bill if she's on such a tight budget that she can't even pay the deposit? NTA

  83. I totally get your friend not wanting to miss out but being a parent means you have to and you can’t demand your child free friends accommodate you. YNTA.

  84. Nta. I would have told her too bad, so sad. She came with a baby,she didn’t even pay back the money to y’all and feels like she doesn’t owe anything. No she’s the a for that. No one wants to be around a person like that.

  85. NTA. If it's that petty she should have just paid it. If she didn't on principle then you don't have to invite her out on principle.

  86. NTA. If she didn’t have to pay the sitter who cancelled she should have had the money to pay the bill. She needs to worry about her priorities since she trying to pull the “new mom” card. When I had kids I knew their needs came first; she needs to remember that instead of complaining that she’s being excluded from child-free events. Your life changes when you have children, and I think she’s deluding herself if she thinks it doesn’t

  87. NTA - and she should’ve paid the whole deposit since she cause you to lose it. If she could afford a babysitter she could use that money for the deposit

  88. NTA. Why is she speaking like the whole group gave birth. Her being the mother doesn't mean her friends will be paying for her. I would have said this to her face tbh.

  89. NTA. She couldn’t afford the deposit, how was she going to afford dinner? “Oops, I forgot my wallet”! Sounds like the sitter didn’t bail, sitter wasn’t booked and she was trying a sneak manoeuvre.

  90. NTA. Yikes, if that was me and we couldn't get an indoor table, I would have left with my baby. I would not have key the rest of the group miss out on the night. She's acting like a spoiled entitled brat.

  91. I feel for her in the sense that my babysitter is flaky too. But it is what it is. When the babysitter cancels, you cancel.

  92. NTA, but she is. Why not use the money saved by the cancelled babysitter? Why go to a restaurant to pay for food and hookah if on a tight budget? Why bring your baby unannounced to a gathering of adults?

  93. NTA - She didn't have the money to pay the deposit (or even her share of her deposit) but she had the money to have dinner and drinks and smoke, etc, with her friends...uh...?

  94. NTA. I would have skipped to my table and enjoyed my meal. Sometimes being a parent sucks and you have to cancel plans. That is no one responsibility but the parent. She should have stayed home and payed her part of the deposit.

  95. NTA - Wow, she's a piece of work. Brings a baby so you all have to cancel, then doesn't pay the person who booked (was she ever planning on paying) so she had your plans ruined and stiffed the guy who made the reservations.

  96. They're not mad about something Petty. They're mad about an asshole who is self-centered as fuck. Ask her if she's going to surprise everyone with a baby again and then ask her when she's going to apologize to everyone and pay her share of the deposit. That's when everyone might think about inviting her again. NTA

  97. I got a lot of ?s. Why did everyone have to leave? They couldn't take the table minus one? They're willing to dump her over it, but not ask her to leave?

  98. New mom my ass she knew what she was doing. She thought she could guilt trip everyone into paying for her. Because if you didn’t have the money why go to the dinner period.

  99. So she caused everyone to lose their deposit because she didn't want to stay home due to the babysitter canceling? How in the heck was she going to pay her part in the bill? Or were her friends supposed to come together and cover that for her? Who is so desperate to bring their baby to a place where they know there is going to be a smoke session going on? 🤦

  100. NTA "We walked out because we cared about your baby. It was apparent you were not comfortable staying. The least you could have done was pay your share of the deposit and everyone would have eventually gotten over the fact that we skipped out on a fun Friday night because you chose to bring your baby. If you think this matter is so petty, it should have been no big deal to pay your deposit. If we would have stayed for dinner, you would have still had to pay for it so your excuse about being on a limited budget doesn't make sense."

  101. NTA. People actually like to enjoy their Friday night. "She doesn't owe anyone any deposit. " That's cool, no worries, we won't invite you again so this situation doesn't happen again.

  102. NTA. Your friend needs to grow the fuck up. She’s the reason y’all lost the deposit and she thinks because she had sex without protection she’s exempt from paying her fair share?

  103. at first, i was thinking that i'd do the same: not wanna ask her to leave and not want to come across as "mean." but that it would be on the group as a whole to opt to walk out instead..

  104. NTA - First she shows up with the baby unanounced and expects you to change your evening (As i understand the restaurant was specifically chosen because you wanted to smoke shishas).

  105. NTA, she made her decisions, they had consequences, which she then forced Others to absorb. If you fuck something up, you do your damndest to make it right or they stop wanting to be around you. This is Simple and Basic. She couldn't be bothered to learn that lesson sooner well then she gets to learn it Now.

  106. NTA. She can't keep using emotional manipulation to get her way all the time - not paying up because new mom on tight budget, feeling sad because being excluded... if she doesn't see why she's not being included anymore, your explaining to her won't either. Ideally, if she really had a sitter who cancelled, she should' excluded informed you on the group chat. Also, as a responsible mom, she should've known in advance that smoking or no smoking, their table won't be changed. Dis she thi k she'd use her sob story on restaurant people as well to get the table changed? I think there was never a sitter. She just thought she'll baby bomb you all, make you not smoke, then request you to pick up the bill "this time". And then be a parasite to all of your goodness in future as well.

  107. Unpopular opinion- I would’ve asked her to leave. She wasn’t thinking when her sitter cancelled. As a parent that means your event is now cancelled too. You paid money to complete a certain task and decided not to because you didn’t want her to feel left out. I mean that’s up to you, but it’s reasonable to stop inviting her places again. Which at the same time sucks cause of course moms want to get out the house. But I also don’t think it’s fair to ruin everyone else’s fun. Being a parent comes with sacrifices and since she’s still a new mom she’s learning that. As some people may disagree, I also think it’s very natural to cease hangouts with friends who aren’t on the same page because it just is what it is. She’s a whole mom taking care of a baby full time. Motherhood never stops. Childless friends aren’t on the same page as their friends with children. It is what it is. And I’m not saying that to bash one group over the other. Y’all are just in different stages of your lives at this point.

  108. NTA. This is direct consequence of her actions. 4 people lost their money and get their Friday evening ruined because of her.

  109. NTA...instead of bringing the baby, she should have said she couldn't make it. I don't understand why she doesn't think she should have to pay her part of the booking fee; it's her fault that you didn't get to eat. If she doesn't have money, she shouldn't have planned to come. Was she going to stick someone with the cost of her food? Honestly, in this situation, I would have still gone to eat and let her and her baby leave alone; that would be the only scenario where I would possibly think she wasn't responsible for at least part of the fee.

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