AITA for wanting to tell my husband about the camera that his daughter put in his office?

  1. You would be an asshole if you didn’t tell your husband. He should have been told immediately, how can you possibly justify keeping that his ex is spying on him a secret??

  2. Hopping on the top comment to say please, if you can, get your SD into therapy. Her mother sounds abusive and she has manipulated your SD into helping spy on her own father. I know the natural instinct is to be mad at her, but years and years of emotional abuse and manipulation have brought her to the point that she is on the side of someone who SET THE HOME SHE WAS LIVING IN ON FIRE. SD needs help

  3. Years ago my father planned to get my mother arrested on false charges just so he wouldn't have to pay her child support anymore. I was at his house that week and heard the whole thing, him and his new wife and a couple others were all seriously considering this. I immediately warned her and the next thing I know he throws me out of his house saying that I was the horrible one for ruining his plan and "betraying my trust". I don't regret it for one second, so you really should inform your husband. Just be prepared for retaliation when caught.

  4. This is literally criminal behavior, and you don't even know what the motive is yet. Revenge porn (have you checked your bedroom)? Stealing passwords to bank/investment accounts? Sabotaging husband's work? I don't know the laws where you live, but I would venture to guess that bugging someone's home violates some kind of law in some way.

  5. Not to mention, if she doesn’t tell her husband her stepdaughter may tell him she found it and thinks OP is the one spying. And whoever tells husband first is the one he will believe.

  6. THIS. This is illegal and an extreme invasion of a persons privacy. It’s wrong on so many levels. He needs to be told immediately. It’s outrageous that she would do something like this. I’d call the cops on her ass straight away.

  7. This, what about the camera in their master bedroom.... she only knows about one, so far. This is messed up, of course the daughter wants her to stay quiet, because this is big time bad.

  8. This shouldn’t even be a question you pose to the internet. OP log off of Reddit and go talk to your husband. WTF is going on

  9. Stepdaughter has broken so many laws…. Wiretapping is a serious federal offense, video voyeurism, consent, etc. Mom is an accomplice and could be charged appropriately.

  10. I agree with all of this but the stepdaughter is a victim here too, she is completely manipulated by her mother, it’s very sad. Yes she made a bad choice but can you imagine how her mother must be tormenting her own daughter with how obsessive she is?

  11. Also - it would be good to acknowledge that OP is in an almost impossible situation if you tell, your stepdaughter will be mad and ruin any possible bind. But, if you do nothing, you risk it being worse for everyone. I’m sorry this is tough for you. Defo NTA but it does feel like you need to make a decision and deal with it and I would protect my partner if I were you. That’s where loyalty lies. Your step daughter has been led to do this by her mother, that’s not on you, but I get you’re feeling a responsibility because you’re a decent human.

  12. I would like to add to your comment that relationships are built on trust and yes if she does not tell him immediately she will be a massive a****** and he will have no trust and faith in her and it will just degrade their relationship massively.

  13. This is completely illegal and you need to tell your husband. Search the ENTIRE HOUSE for other cameras as well, especially your bedroom.

  14. Quicker alternative: check on your router how many devices are connected to your network.

  15. OP: I'm really torn. Do I tell my husband who is my life partner who loves and trusts me we're being spied on or do I placate a stepdaughter who hates me and a woman who set my house on fire and planted cameras in it? It's a real Sophie's choice.

  16. It's been 2 hours since this is posted and who knows how long since she found the camera. The best time to tell him would have been immediately, the second best time is right now.

  17. Just keep in mind stepdaughter may not be completely at fault. I'd also bring up the possibility that Judy told her (or even manipulated her) into it, though it could be SD was lying about that.

  18. No way her SD did not know she was breaking the law at her age. Youngsters today are far more informed than they were 20 years ago. Ex is guilty but so is SD. NTA

  19. Yea I'm in a similar situation only I'm the dad (complete with me staying in the marital house). If my wife (stepmom to the kids) knew my ex wife (bio mom) did something like this and didn't tell me I'd file for divorce. That's how egregious a breach of trust it would be. You absolutely MUST tell him.

  20. I would also add to focus on Judy’s wrong-doing. Although step-daughter is old enough to understand her actions and the consequences, I also have sympathy that she may have been manipulated by her mom. Not saying she shouldn’t face consequences, but OP should focus more on Judy’s wrong-doing when telling her husband

  21. Yeah this sub is chock full with such black and white shit it gets boring. Like, “Reddit, my nephew is molesting my daughter, and I have proof he’s a murderer. I told the cops, AITA?”

  22. Society tells stepparents, stepmother’s especially, that if they’re not a doormat to the whims and desires of their stepkids, they are awful evil people. OP is NTA, but I can understand why she is worried.

  23. NTA. You have to tell him and you need to find out if there are more throughout the house. If she knows the police can be called about this she knows it was illegal and wrong and did it anyway. He mom is TERRIBLE for getting her daughter involved in a crime. Your husband needs to know and you can decide what to do from there what next steps should be. She definitely deserves punishment but therapy is incredibly important because he mom is out of control.

  24. Nta - check for more cameras - Judy has shown she's not against violating privacy, so she likely had her daughter plant other cameras.

  25. NTA. Please tell him, your step daughter is caught up in some nasty shit regarding her mom. Maybe with this last incident being revealed to your husband, it could help your step daughter get out of the hold her mom has on her.

  26. Totally agree. Very worried about the kid here, who clearly feels as if she needs to protect the mom. Very shitty position to be in, and it doesn’t sound like she feels she can tell her dad anything. What she did was obviously very wrong, but I can’t imagine the pressure the kid is under living with someone who is obviously disturbed. Please give his kid a huge hug and don’t punish her. She obviously needs help!

  27. NTA- please tell him. This is really dangerous and illegal. His ex basically is stalking both of you and using step daughter to do it. Step daughter is being manipulated by Judy.

  28. Stepdaughter clearly lives with a parent who is mentally ill or has major issues, which is a completely toxic environment for her. And her dad knows this, and is happy for her to live with her mom. Would you be happy for a kid to live with a woman who sets fire to kitchens? I can’t imagine the pressure the kid is under in this horrible divorce and living the majority of the time with a woman so obsessed with her ex. NO ONE here is thinking about the well being of this kid. I’m worried for her!

  29. TELL YOUR HUSBAND NOW!!! YWBTA if you didn't. He was spied on for God knows how long. This is a huge invasion of his privacy and also illegal. Exwife should have a visit from police, there needs to be an official papertrail. Exwife is manipulating the daughter and made her to do something illegal. That will sit well with a judge... She should loose custody, she is not fit to be a mother.

  30. Absolutely this. Roping her daughter into illegal activities (most likely by either verbal abuse or coercion) will lose her custody really quick. And potentially make her much more stable once she's away from that toxic relationship.

  31. NTA. Tell your husband. Change your WiFi password & don’t give it to the step daughter or anyone else besides you & your husband.

  32. Who is your loyalty to? Because your step daughter has decided who she’s loyal to. Are you loyal to his ex wife or him? NTA. But you will be betraying him if you don’t tell him.

  33. I want to stick up for the stepdaughter, although I agree she’s clearly in the wrong. But she also clearly has a toxic mother and a father who is checked out. Would YOU let your child go live with a parent who sets fire to kitchens? I sure as hell wouldn’t. The dad needs to step up and do some actual parenting.

  34. NTA. This is such a huge invasion of privacy and he needs to know. But I do feel a bit for your stepdaughter, who has been so badly manipulated and frankly, brainwashed by her mother. She needs some tough love, in the form of some honest conversation about the path she’s on if she continues to follow her mother’s lead. Mom is lucky that her property damage and thinly veiled “accidental” fire didn’t land her in jail. Eavesdropping is also a crime. None of this is okay.

  35. You're even ASKING if you should tell him, that his ex-wife - who already committed arson in your home - involved their daughter in planting a spy cam in YOUR home?

  36. YWBTAH if you don't tell your husband, consider also how insidious putting that camera there was by your stepdaughter, if she put one there then there could be others. She could and would also be spying on YOU! Do you really want hubby's ex to have video of you changing/naked, having sex, using the bathroom, etc. Stop being such a doormat and you and hubby demand to know where else there are cameras if any and let your husband deal with the deserved consequences for his daughter and ex wife. This is vile and you need to hand all info to hubby to deal with as he sees appropriate. How will he react if he finds out and realises you knew?!

  37. You have to tell him, no question. And check to see if there are other cameras elsewhere in the house.

  38. NTA: this is seriously alarming. I would call the cops tbh. People stay letting stuff go until they end up dead because of a jealous ex.

  39. Are you even his partner if you have to ask this? I’d leave you if I found out you questioned telling me something this important. That’s just me though

  40. TELL YOUR HUSBAND NOW!!! YWBTA if you didn't. He was spied on for God knows hiw long. This is a huge invasion of his privacy and also illegal. Exwife should have a visit from police, their needs to be an official papertrail. Exwife is manipulating the daughter and made her to do something illegal. That will sit well with a judge... She should loose custody, she is not fit to be a mother.

  41. You are NTA. Your husband needs to know, and your stepdaughter needs an intervention ASAP with someone she trusts -- a therapist, a member of the clergy, an adult friend -- to help her see that her mom's issues are not her issues. You and your husband need to contact a lawyer and the police to get a restraining order on his ex-wife before she escalates this stalking behavior. This is dangerous-level stuff. They make horror movies about situations like the one you are in. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are NTA, this is not your fault, and the best thing you can do is make sure your stepdaughter knows that it is not her fault either. You need to tell your husband about the camera so that you can work with him to keep your family safe.

  42. Double down on this. It's too big not to share with your husband. It sounds as though your stepdaughter understands this is wrong (and illegal). Let your husband know and have him speak to her privately, explain that you both realise how conflicted she has been and potentially manipulated by mum. I wouldn't punish but I would seek therapy.

  43. NTA You have to tell your husband about this, this is not a minor thing, his daughter is old enough to know this is wrong.

  44. The woman is asking for it. The daughter will be fine, eventually. Your loyalty should be to your man. Don't let that kid hold you emotionally hostage. If she gets away with this, she could do more things like this. Things that you could prevent. NTA!

  45. I agree that your first priority is to tell your husband about the danger he's in so he can be proactive about his safety. He is in the most immediate, severe danger of being actively harmed by another person. He should know this.

  46. YTA for not telling him IMMEDIATELY! This is a huge breach of trust from all of you. As far as I’m concerned, you not telling him makes you complicit.

  47. Ok, everybody out of the pool. This is 100% fake. First, why make the first inquiry to the step daughter? I would ask my SO, why is there a camera in your office? Second, unless the step is an electrician and wired the camera into the homes wiring for power, those camera only runs a few hours on battery. And you have to be close enough to connect to the camera to retrieve the video files or physically take the SD card. Sorry. Not buying it.

  48. NTA. You would be the asshole if you don't tell him. This is real fucked up. If Judy didn't want to get involved with the police, she shouldn't be doing illegal shit. Same with the stepdaughter. If stepdaughter knows you can call the police on something like this, she knows how wrong it is. Tell your husband, tell the police, sweep the house.

  49. A camera is pretty bad, and the fire is worse. Her mom won’t speak to her or will do something crazy if it leaks. With them in the same room tell him that there’s an issue but it’s between you and the daughter until daughter is ready to talk

  50. NTA. It's not like you caught her sneaking home an hour post curfew or something innocuous. This is a MASSIVE violation of security and trust and needs to be shared with your partner.

  51. You are an AH for not yelling to him the second you found it. You are now identified as weak and disloyal and they are going to try to use it against you.

  52. NTA. But you would be if you didn’t remove the camera and then didn’t tell him. It’s not your step daughters house or office. She had zero right to do that. And her mother can get in huge trouble with the courts, if it’s known that she had her daughter put surveillance equipment in her exes home.

  53. Yeah, OP NTA. That is straight up illegal. Also, your stepdaughter needs to get a fuckin grip. Yes, that is her "old home" but when the divorce/separation/whatever happened, that house was no longer considered her mother's "home" at all. She's being completely brainwashed.

  54. This is really serious - what if the camera is sufficiently high quality to be able to see someone typing a password? Or what if pertinent financial information was discussed? You need to inform him ASAP and get the rest of the house searched immediately.

  55. NTA - but you really need to tell him, NOW. This has gone beyond pettiness, it's straight-up criminal (the fire already was), and it's only going to escalate. OP, your husband deserves to know, no he needs to know - your loyalty lies with him, don't shield someone who is out to get both him and you. Sure, SD might get in trouble (rightfully so) but hopefully it will teach her not to cross boundaries.

  56. NTA. I would tell my husband and consider filing charges against his ex wife, this is illegal and highly alarming behaviour. Your stepdaughter is not to blame, her mother is and this needs to be addressed.

  57. YWBTA if you don't tell your husband. His daughter is an Asshole by letting her mom manipulate her into spying on your husband. His ex is an even bigger asshole by using her child to create drama with her father. There is clearly an agenda behind that camera, and not telling your hubby would be a mssive breach of trust.

  58. NTA OP you need to tell him! This is a major invasion of privacy and if you let her take th camera you're letting her throw away any evidence against his ex wife who clearly has control issues

  59. You don’t have to care about your step daughter feeling in this, this is illegal and a breach of trust. You not telling him is a breach of trust in your relationship. You don’t know how many cameras are there, in your bed, shit even your bathroom. What logical person would keep this from your spouse.

  60. Not sure how or why husband’s ex Judy had access to house while OP living there? How could she damage OP’ s property and cause fire in kitchen? Makes no sense. Regardless it’s husband’s house and he should be told about cameras and who put them there and why-asap.

  61. Jesus Christ. NTA but why the hell do you need me to tell you that? Why does this need to go on Reddit anyway? Do you lack the ability to do basic critical thinking? Why do you think it would be controversial for you to tell your husband that his dangerous ex wife manipulated their teenage daughter into setting up an illegal camera in the privacy of his own home? What about it is so difficult for you to figure out yourself?

  62. OP, you said you removed the camera, but did you tell your husband? From your post, I feel there is some strangeness going on in your household. First, the ex wife and SD lived with you and your husband? Am I reading that right? Could just be me but that is odd. Also, SD is begging you so vehemently not to tell her father bc she will get in trouble with him. I mean, will he beat her? It’s weird to me that you would not tell your husband and go along with your SD. Is your husband an abuser? He’s put you in a strange position before that you’ve accepted and now it seems you’re scared to tell him in fear for your SD.

  63. U ABSOLUTELY need to tell ur husband. It's kind of concerning to me that u even need to come on reddit to ask if u should or not. I am a female but if I was a man, had a wife and ex and a daughter with the ex, and my new wife didn't tell me this right away, that would be the hill I died on bc I'd be done immediately, FULL STOP.

  64. NTA. There are so e secrets that are fine to keep, for example if you're a stepdaughter was gay and she didn't want to come out to her father for whatever reason - keep that secret. But this is an issue that directly affects your husband and involves criminal activity, it might suck for the stepdaughter but her mom's willingness to retaliate against her is a separate issue that your husband will need to address

  65. You need to tell your husband so he can do damage control. What kind of info is the ex trying to gather? My mind goes to account #'s & passwords.

  66. Um, this is a bad situation. TELL YOUR HUSBAND! Yes, he needs to file a police report on his ex-wife + you need to have your ENTIRE HOUSE swept to see if there are cameras other places.

  67. NTA. It sucks that Judy is making her daughter an accomplice in something very illegal. Hopefully the daughter can be made to see things that way but regardless you should tell your husband and take legal action immediately. If not this will just escalate and the police will ask you why you did nothing the FIRST time you found a secret camera in your home.

  68. NTA. But you would be if you DIDNT tell him. This is serious on many levels - Judy is basically trespassing and his daughter is being made to do some pretty terrible things because of her mother. You should tell your husband, but please also tell him how terrified your stepdaughter was of him finding out, because regardless of what happens to Judy (who rightly should be reported to the police, but I understand if doing that causes more hassle and has negative consequences for his daughter), it seems like your stepdaughter is caught in the middle and does have some sense that what she was doing is wrong - this may be the perfect time for her to tell the whole truth and your husband to have a healthy discussion with her about what’s Ben going on, her role in it, and how thing will need to be different going forward. So, in that sense, this may actually be a catalyst for change for the better in your household vis-a-vis your stepdaughter. Also probably a good idea for her and the family to be in therapy.

  69. NTA but if you don't tell him ASAP he may feel conflicted as to why you didn't tell him sooner. give him the full story on how his daughter is worried about her mom getting legal charges for it, and let him know to approach the conversation with his daughter carefully. whether he wants to charge or not is absolutely valid, but either way he NEEDS to know for all of your personal safety and privacy. And like others have said, PLEASE search the entire house. The daughter seems to regret helping in the situation so ask her if there's anything else going on you guys don't know about as well. Good luck.

  70. NTA Assuming your husband is a rational person, you certainly should tell him about the camera but also tell him about his daughter’s concerns. Also remind him that his daughter is being used by his ex and his daughter’s welfare is more important than getting revenge on his ex.

  71. Tell husband. If his ex wife is MANIPULATING their daughter to spy on her father, you NEED to tell him. What else is Judy doing?

  72. YTA for not going to your husband FIRST! His office, his daughter and his nasty ex-wife! Instead you put yourself in this position.

  73. You have to tell your husband about the camera, but you also have to repair the relationship with your stepdaughter and prioritize her relationship with her dad. She is caught between two parents and living with one who is clearly unstable, and she’s still a kid. I know 17 is older, but I also know how much it can warp a person to live and feel protective of a person who is clearly disturbed. So - tell your husband and don’t focus on punishing your stepdaughter. Please focus on helping her because she truly is stuck between a mom who is toxic at best and a dad who has not prioritized her.

  74. NTA. Tell your hub, but tell him not vent his anger at his daughter. Not that you should just let it slide, but she's a victim too. Her mother probably manipulated and guilted her into this. I would go to the police, because if mom is crazy enough for this, she's probably capable of way more shit

  75. OP you should reassure your stepdaughter that she isn’t going to be punished. She is clearly being manipulated and is still a child. You should absolutely tell your husband and make your plans together on how to handle and have a good discussion with step daughter on her thoughts and feelings and maybe therapy.

  76. You need to give SD one more chance to tell him on her own. Let her know he is going to know today, but you want to give her the opportunity to be the one to tell him. If she refuses, just tell him and explain the reason for delay was trying to let SD be the one to tell him.

  77. Sit the three of you down (OP, husband, step daughter). Say: Stepdaughter has something to tell you. Then wait. Hopefully husband will realize daughter is being manipulated by ex. Ex is the try AH here

  78. You’re obligated to tell him. If this slides the ex will continue to use the daughter to do shady shit. A camera in your home? If you found one there could also be more and it could also become a safety issue. If you DONT tell your husband it will make you the a-hole.

  79. AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read

  80. Which conversation do you want to have with your husband: telling him his daughter and ex planted a spy camera, or explaining why you didn’t tell him his daughter and ex planted a spy camera? You have to tell him.

  81. NTA for telling him. You HAVE to tell him. The ex is messed up in the head and his daughter is being manipulated. The three of you will all be better off clearing the air.

  82. NTA. Why do you even feel conflicted, she is committing a crime ffs. Tell your husband immediately and call the police.

  83. Nta. Why would you not tell your husband instantly? There is no reason to keep this from him. I don't understand why you're even here. Your loyalties should be to him and you should have gone running to him to inform him his ex wife and daughter have installed a spy cam in his office, in his house, his safe space. Go tell him immediately.

  84. NTA if you tell your husband. Imagine how you would feel if it was reversed and your husband found a camera in your office space. and didn't tell you. Mom and stepdaughter played a stupid game, now its time to collect the prize. The only thing I would do would be to allow the SD to tell Dad. Offer to be there with her as moral support. The Ex is the real problem here, using her own daughter, and involving her in a criminal scheme, because she is full of hatred. Handled correctly perhaps SD will see that her Mom is the problem, not you. Good luck.

  85. NTA but I feel the underlying reason that you feel conflicted because you still want to bond with the stepdaughter. But you are going to be the “bad guy” in Judy’s eyes & will trickle down to the daughter. You might as well be the bad guy for the right reasons because the camera is obviously there for invasive purposes. Plus if that camera was put there imagine if there might be others hiding or potentially going to be hidden.

  86. NTA. Your husband needs to know. Perhaps the right way to do this is to tell you stepdaughter that given the gravity of what the ex-wife has done and how she has basically made her daughter complicit in an illegal (and unethical) act, the daughter has to come clean to her dad within, say, 24 hours (or by the end of the day), or you will have to tell him yourself.

  87. NTA you need to tell him but I'd stick up for step daughter as 17 is pretty young. Young enough to be manipulated by a parent, which is whats happening. I don't think SD should be harshly punished as she is being manipulated by her mom and that is so sucky!

  88. Your husband needs to know. Your step-daughter knows what she did was wrong, and if she wants to salvage the relationship with her father she should confess and talk to your husband about the situation her mother has put her in. You could facilitate this discussion of you want to see it turn out for the better. Give her a time limit or you'll tell him.

  89. The unfortunate fact is she will never be close to you. You are the adult, and need to do the right thing, not the thing to keep the 17year old happy. Therapy works.

  90. Tell him now. His ex is using their daughter to spy on him and invade his privacy which is both wrong and illegal. Tell him before she has a chance to remove it. His ex has gone too far this time.

  91. NTA, but seriously tell your husband. There could be more cameras and the daughter could be under the mother's thumb. Therapy is in order...the bio mom seems crazy

  92. So you're questioning whether you need to tell your husband that his privacy has been violated by his ex-wife and daughter? Let that sink in.

  93. I can understand you not wanting to tell because you already have a strained relationship with your SD and this will cause even more problems BUT your husband needs to know and your SD needs therapy. Her mother sounds narcissistic and manipulative. Would love to hear an update on this one

  94. NTA - tell your husband. But I think you should make it a point to tell him to take it easy on your daughter, as it seems as though she was not keen to do it and was pressured or forced by her mother.

  95. NTA. Tell him right away. Judy's continued behavior towards you is incredibly alarming, and using your stepdaughter to do her dirty work is reprehensible. If I were you, I'd start compiling evidence, and start communicating with Judy only through mediums like text or email so you can prove what she's said to you. And then I'd go after a restraining order and custody of your stepdaughter.

  96. NTA. Your stepdaughter is being manipulated by her mother to do some crazy stuff, and I feel bad for the kid. Obviously she doesn’t want her dad told because she knows she’ll get in trouble with either her dad or her mom.

  97. YTA for not immediately telling him and for this meepy “I just don’t know what to doooooo” post.

  98. Your stepdaughter is most likely being emotionally abused, manipulated, and harassed by her own mother. Any reactivity she evincing is due to this abuse. Get her in individual and family therapy. Offer it as a PRESSURE release valve, a way to learn how to cope. Don't expect that it will "fix" her immediately, either. And don't force it upon her. The stepdaughter IS NOT the source of the problem, here. She is a victim, too.

  99. Take SD with you so she can tell dad. She can cry to dad about following mom's instructions. He needs to know. Check house for other cameras. Let dad make decision about how to handle mom; legal or otherwise.

  100. NTA and why are you even asking if you should say anything? This is INSANE behavior, you should IMMEDIATELY say something! Christ.. get the teenager a therapist, too!

  101. NTA but you will be if you don't say anything. Your step daughter is complicit in her mother stalking your husband. Authorities need to be involved on Judy, because she is exhibiting not just unhinged behavior but DANGEROUS. Who knows what's going to happen when she finds out that the camera was discovered? To me it sounds like her behavior is consistently escalating, and that could just get worse now. This already sounds too big for either you or your husband to manage without legal help. I also would encourage you to strongly urge your husband to get his daughter into therapy. Her mother is putting her into a serious and awful position, and without mental help this can really cause some damage to her.

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