AITA for not canceling our wedding because SIL is getting divorced?

  1. That's all my brain was saying. Golden Child 100%. SIL is used to everything being all about her, (at everyone's expense) and her parents enable her.

  2. My sentiments exactly! (And I edited my post accordingly, since I originally phrased it almost identically to the way your post is written. Fair is fair, and you wrote it first. :) )

  3. Not to victim-blame BUT (I know... I know..) when reading OP, I couldn't help but wonder why the soon-to-be-ex started cheating...

  4. NTA. We can see why she had difficulties. She might be a golden child to her parents but this doesn't matter in marriage or to the rest of the world. Life goes on

  5. It may be inconsiderate, but so what, your wedding day doesn't need to be considerate of her pending divorce. You are in no way obligated to cancel your wedding as a show of solidarity. Thats just dumb imo. NTA

  6. Why just OP's wedding? All the weddings must be cancelled in solidarity with SIL. AITA will get a lot quieter.

  7. NTA. What a ridiculous suggestion that you put your lives on hold because her life is a mess. Her situation is sad, but it won't get any worse because you get married.

  8. But they didn't suggest they put it on hold. They didn't ask for a postponement. They asked for a cancelation. They want him to NEVER get married because his sisters marriage is ending.

  9. Exactly. I empathize with the SIL, and even though I don't condone her entitlement or delusions, I understand that losing a marriage and stability may cause people to act strange/poorly/out of character. However, I don't get the parents in the slightest. How can they expect/demand/want one child to suffer, put their life on hold, and lose money because another child is going through a challenging time.

  10. NTA. It’s not fair to ask you to wallow in misery out of solidarity. It’s a completely unreasonable request.

  11. NTA do you know what is selfish & unreasonable? Cancelling your wedding because SIL is getting divorced. Would they feel ok asking her to delay the divorce until after the wedding to show solidarity & support for your marriage? No because it is ridiculous and your relationships are different ones. Celebrating a happy marriage might give her hope for the future.

  12. Haha. I had to scroll too far for this. If that’s the case, then yes, OP. You should cancel your wedding.

  13. Um, if every wedding was canceled for every divorce, there would literally be no weddings. NTA and if they decide to boycott consider it a blessing in disguise, you can save money on the numbers,

  14. NTA. They are two separate and completely unrelated events. It makes no sense for you to cancel the wedding.

  15. And the wedding is in September! Lots of time for her to prepare herself for the feelings that might pop up

  16. NTA. My fiance's sister just found out her husband is leaving her for someone they both work with, 2 weeks before our wedding. We told her we wouldn't be offended if being at a wedding was too hard for her right now, and to please not feel obligated to come. I literally can't imagine a world where she would even ask, let alone demand, we cancel. She wants to come, to be there with her family, to celebrate something while she's sad, and because she's not a self-centered asshole who wants everyone to be miserable just because she is.

  17. NTA. The whole world doesn't revolve around your SIL. Sorry she's getting a divorce, but how is canceling your wedding showing support. Should everyone be like well let me never get married because yours ended. I truly feel bad for you, and your fiance in this no win situation, but I pray you guys go through with your nuptials with, or without their support. You guys have a right to start your life as a couple, and be happy. SIL is selfish if she thinks making everyone else miserable is ok.

  18. NTA. This is such an entitled ask. You can have both happy and sad events happen in life… at the same time. Is everyone in the family supposed to swear off weddings because of this? Congrats on your wedding, if SIL can’t attend oh well doesn’t seem like much of a loss

  19. NTA. That’s a very strange request to make. If his family doesn’t want to attend because of her divorce that’s their loss. She needs therapy, and trying to destroy your plans over something her soon to be ex husband did is weird.

  20. NTA—good grief, if people had to wait to have a wedding until every person invited was in a good place emotionally, no one would ever walk down the aisle 🤦‍♀️

  21. Definitely NTA - I understand showing support and sympathy for your SIL and the kids, but being asked to postpone your wedding indefinitely is completely unreasonable.

  22. NTA. I’ve never heard of something so selfish and so stupid. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, your unless should be celebrating with you and your fiancé. If they choose not to come, it’s not your fault. A divorce can take years, good for your fiancé for agreeing with you.

  23. NTA. The only lack of respect here is how SIL’s husband cheated. I hope your in-laws are coming for him with the same vitriol.

  24. If one of her children died while you were pregnant, would they insist you get an abortion? Cuz that makes about the same amount of sense.

  25. They secretly do not want you to marry your fiancé, and they’re using the impending divorce as a pretext. NTA, but make them admit their real motivations.

  26. Definitely NTA. One has nothing to do with the other. If you were already married to your fiance would she expect you to get divorced "in solidarity"? SIL is being totally ridiculous

  27. That's probably the issue. They can't make the world stop, but they can try to control the revolution of their family's world. This is all about control.

  28. NTA I wonder if they would have asked you to get also divorced if you were already married. You know, solidarity and stuf...

  29. NTA - it’s unfortunate what she’s going through but they cannot expect you to cancel a wedding 4 months beforehand. The rest of the world doesn’t stop when bad things happen.

  30. This, I would write out a list with a space for names and and see who is gonna be paying back all your deposits. I would start with SIL.

  31. NTA but let them decide if they want to be at your wedding that day and if they choose to not come, that's on them, I hope you still enjoy your day with the people that were not selfish and chose to celebrate with you

  32. NTA. I can certainly see postponing her wedding because there’s a death in the family of a close family member, but really someone wanting you to accommodate their divorce by not having your wedding is self entitled to the extreme, and it sounds like so when your other family members who think that you should delay the wedding in “solidarity”. What kind of BS is that? No you’re not TA, but I’d be concerned about the family you’re marrying into.

  33. My aunt's brother died unexpectedly a few months before she married my uncle. They honored him at the funeral but no one expected her to call off the wedding.

  34. NTA, these things are nothing to do with each other! While it is always desperately sad when a marriage fails, it is totally inappropriate for anyone to link your nuptuals to her divorce.

  35. NTA! Oh my gosh OP I am so sorry you are going through this. This is YOUR life, and you and your fiancé have to do what is right for your life together. His family are being unreasonable and selfish.

  36. NTA. Weird flex from the family. So no one is allowed to be happy while she is sad. Let’s hope no one has a pregnancy to announce

  37. If you invite any of them, I guarantee they’ll try to sabotage your day. So go forward with your wedding, and just not invite any of their family, out of respect for your sil.

  38. NTA, your in-laws are completely out of line. I'm currently going through an ugly divorce myself and I'm attending my cousin's wedding in two weeks. I can't imagine being so self centered as to demand that she not get married just because my own marriage failed.

  39. Exactly. it's like, oh woe me, my husband cheated. I feel so alone and hurt. Oh woe me, help show that you care by canceling your marriage just to make me feel better, oh woe me. Lmao

  40. NTA. My brother and his ex were in the process of getting a divorce when we got married. My brother and family not once mentioned anything about postponing or cancelling our wedding and/or reception (we had a very private wedding and reception a month later). It's rude to ask you to cancel this late in the game when you'll probably lose a ton of money on cancellations for vendors.

  41. NTA. These events are occurrences that are exclusive of each other. There might be overlap of people involved, of course, and some discomfort, but a celebration following a short period of darkness is a wonderful thing.

  42. AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read

  43. That's absolutely absurd. But you should probably brace yourself for your in-laws to be up your ass about every decision you make for the rest of your life

  44. NTA - Her divorce is entirely a different situation all together. Do people not get how much effort, time and money goes in to a wedding. You and your fiancé should probably talk about the elephant in the room as it seems to be the family are highly toxic and I feel if you proceeded without a proper talk they will destroy the happiest day of your life.

  45. NTA. Absolutely fucking not. Life goes on and yours shouldn't be put on hold just because of her divorce.

  46. NTA everyone else is being very selfish and inconsiderate. Your wedding, like you said, has nothing to do with her divorce.

  47. NTA, it's your wedding not hers. She's being a selfish child, "my husband left me so no one can get married till I find a new one"

  48. Your wedding and her divorce are completely unrelated events. As long as you and your husband are understanding if she should decide it will be too upsetting for her to attend your wedding, then NTA.

  49. NTA but be ready for the cascades of drama as they pout and demand. Just remind them their attendance is not required if it's so inappropriate for them.

  50. NTA. But what kind of family are you marrying into? Cancel the wedding because his sister is going through a divorce? Hmmm. Would they also demand you to stop trying to have children if his sister had a miscarriage? WTF? Why would they think it’s even remotely okay to tell you to cancel your life event because his sister is going through her own life event?

  51. I read title of your post to my husband and he said, “Probably not, unless the theme of the wedding is ‘Suck on that, Melissa’.”

  52. OMG this is one of the most ridiculous BS stories I think I’ve ever heard. People get divorced every day of the week. Married persons have extramarital sex and relationships every day too. Your fiancé’s family sound like a bunch of enmeshed enablers who baby your future SIL. (Red flag, BTW) Action items(1) I would schedule a *private * one on one with your SIL expressing both condolences and support along with how much you want her to take part in your special day as scheduled. Do not negotiate. Listen to her, and express how you being part of the family will allow you two to support each other even more. (2) Do not get into discussions about your wedding beyond that. Also do not expect her to help or participate in any meaningful way (for the shower, rehearsal dinner, bachelorette party, wedding party etc.) even if she’d previously agreed to. Let her know she can take the space she needs. (3) this is your fiancé’s family and, as such, he needs to manage them. He needs to get the family matriarch and/or patriarch on board —especially if they are paying for any of it! (4) If he cannot or will not stand up to defend your wedding plans, that is a huge red flag. Run. I mean while it’s great that your fiancé “was the first one to say how it’s completely unreasonable to cancel” your wedding, it seems that his opinion was not well received. Q: How well respected is your fiancé within his own family? How well do you really * know * him and his family dynamics? Some people believe you marry the whole family, not just the fiancé. And not for nothing: divorces can take years and raising kids takes decades. Does this enmeshed family really think you two must put your lives on hold until everyone else in the family has their shite sorted? Ridiculous. Good luck!!

  53. NTA, but your SIL and in-laws are gigantic assholes, full of selfishness and entitlement. Punishing you and your fiancé because your SIL is getting divorced is absolutely insane and cruel. Your SIL’s failed marriage does not mean that everyone around her has to be miserable as well. What a terrible precedent to set for the whole family and a truly awful example she’s setting for her children. She needs therapy. Ruining your wedding and costing you a small fortune in rescheduling fees will not bring her dirtbag ex-husband back or heal her heart. Her being traumatized won’t be fixed by causing you and your fiancé trauma. Guess we know who the favorite child is in his family…

  54. NTA The two events have nothing to do with one another. It would be understandable if she didn't want to be a member of the wedding party or declined to attend. But other people should not be expected to put their major life events on hold because something unfortunate (non major health related) happened to a family member. If this were the case no events could ever take place.

  55. NTA - This is so emotionally manipulative. You’ll probably have a better time if they’re not there causing drama. It might be time for low contact.

  56. NTA. If I were your fiance, I would tell my parents that I will consider canceling my wedding in solidarity just as soon as they file for and complete their divorce in solidarity of sister.

  57. Nta. Tell them this “ in solidarity with sister-in-law getting a divorce and her husband cheating on her we’ve decided not to invite her or the in-laws to the wedding since it would just be too much for them.” That way they can’t say that it would be hard for her to sit through a wedding since she’s not even invited in the first place.

  58. NTA - SIL how about you postpone your divorce until after our wedding because it's disrespectful for our wedding (sarcasm).

  59. Why. WHY is this your problem? I'll say it again.. WHY IS THIS YOUR PROBLEM? She married the guy, had kids and her happy life while it lasted.

  60. NTA. Tell them that since they feel it is inappropriate for you to live or feel joy while sil is upset, they can go on without being updated on your status. Your wedding will go on, and if they cannot make it about you for your wedding, then they should not attend nor expect to attend any future celebrations. Also - consider going nc anyway, since clearly if you have an unfortunate event surrounding a happy time for sil you will be shunned so as not to dampen her spirits. So instead of taking the blow while youre down, just cut your losses now.

  61. NTA While sad for your SIL you are right that those are two completely unrelated events. You might try asking all these people calling you selfish which one of them is going to come up with all the deposits you would lose? Also just how far out would you need to postpone your wedding to make her happy? A year? 5 Years? Till she is engaged to someone else? Your Fiance's family is being ridiculous.

  62. NTA I'm so petty I would text her "Your absence is the best wedding gift we could receive." And go no contact after that

  63. NTA. What sort of ridiculous solipsistic world is SIL living in? If she has a miscarriage, does she expect all the pregnant people she knows to have abortions out of solidarity?

  64. SIL finds out in May that she’s getting a divorce and a September wedding is too soon? When exactly are you “allowed” to get married in their eyes? Do you “have” to wait until the divorce is final, which could be years from now? Oh but then she JUST got divorced you can’t get married now. Until she starts dating? Gets remarried? Then what if that guy leaves her, you’ll have to cancel again. They’re basically saying you can never get married. I’d be really interested in hearing their response, but I’m pretty sure they’ll give BS answers like “oh you’re being dramatic of course it’ll be SOMEDAY just not NOW” because they don’t actually care.

  65. NTA lovely. If they want to kick up a stink, they can stay home and your fiance can invite people who actually give a damn.

  66. Op, do you have passwords set with your wedding venue and caterers in such? This is the sort of situation where I could see your sister-in-law trying to cancel it if you refuse. Your wedding has nothing to do with her divorce and they need to back off. Nta

  67. NTA. Your SIL and her family are unhinged. There is no universe in which that is an appropriate ask or expectation.

  68. NTA, is everyone who is married going to get a divorce in solidarity? people break up with their boyfriends and girlfriends to support her? The request is absolutely ridiculous

  69. Turn it back on her and tell her it's disrespectful for her to let a little thing like infidelity to cause her to divorce when you're having a wedding and that her negative vibes are interfering with your planned happiness. Let her know that a wedding is the best thing that can happen to her right now to reaffirm love and commitment, for better or worse. NTA

  70. They can think all they want but doesn’t make them right. NTA. Proceed with the wedding and those who rather not attend, at least you will know who supports you and yours.

  71. NTA - your SIL’s divorce doesn’t mean the world needs to stop and revolve around her. She’s in pain, of course, but she has no right to dictate whether or not you and her brother are allowed to get married. I don’t get people like this. If she’s uncomfortable and decided not to celebrate, I would understand that, but to cancel the wedding because it doesn’t suit her current emotional state? Did she mention when you would be allowed to get married? Or will she just give you guys a heads up that now—since she’s doing better—you guys can get married? And what about any money already put into the wedding? Is his family offering to reimburse you? I doubt it.

  72. NTA, she is being over the top with this ask and the family in supporting this. I would continue with your plans and if they don’t want to come then it’s on them. She needs to get some therapy instead of trying to control your happiness. She’s like “If I can’t be happy, no one can”, it’s ridiculous. Are birthday parties and other celebrations canceled too? Just selfish.

  73. NTA, they’re being ridiculous. You can’t put your life on hold because of someone else’s divorce. As long as you wouldn’t take offense if she chose not to attend because she can’t handle it right now, you’re good. If you insisted she came, it‘d be AHs all around.

  74. NTA. The two have nothing to do with each other. My best friend asked me to be her maid of honor right after my ex husband and I separated following him cheating. She told me she would completely understand if I said no, which I thought was ridiculous. Her love and marriage has nothing to do with the demise of mine. It gave me something happy and wonderful to concentrate on. If anything, it helped me heal, realizing I deserved to be just as happy as her.

  75. NTA. What’s selfish and inconsiderate, is someone demanding a wedding that is not theirs be canceled for something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.

  76. NTA. The world rotates around the sun, not her. Enjoy your day and maybe uninvited some of the folks who think it’s that simple to just cancel a wedding. She’ll be fine.

  77. nta and it could possibly take her years to get over this and they just want you guys to wait until she’s in a good headspace fuck that EDIT: get married and don’t invite them

  78. Tell them if they feel like that then they don’t have to attend?? The divorce isn’t going to feel better or worse and maybe she could stop making your wedding about herself and try not being selfish. The world isn’t going to stop for her divorce so neither should you.

  79. Are you serious your SIL is a absolute AH and so is that family. Her getting a divorce has nothing to do with your wedding. Just inform her and her family that your wedding is a start to your family with your future husband and if they can't respect you thrn they don't have to go to the wedding. And send your SIL a list of therapists. It's obvious that she needs it

  80. NTA so because SIL is getting a divorce no one else can be happy and get married? If she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to go. How selfish of her.

  81. NTA. You can support SIL and plan your wedding at the same time. Life does not stop when personal crisis occur. Surely, their are instances when a wedding should be postponed. This is not one of them.

  82. Nta...the whole idea of canceling a wedding because shes getting divorced is just stupid. I say go ahead and celebrate; the world doesnt stop because something bad happens to us, and it's just completely ridiculous to think otherwise.

  83. My husbands brother and grandpa died 2 weeks before our wedding and his family told me to absolutely not cancel. So yeah they are way off.

  84. I hope your family is nice and that your fiancé likes your family, because it sounds like neither of you is ever going to speak to your fiancé’s family ever again.

  85. NTA. How will SIL react when she finds out that the world keeps going after she hits a bump in the road? Life goes on, including yours, so have your beautiful, special day.

  86. NTA. Just because she’s getting a divorce doesn’t mean you need to put your plans on hold. Just tell them you’ll understand if they don’t want to come.

  87. NTA- Honestly if I was you I would uninvite her. She's going to start drama and make the wedding all about her.

  88. NTA. SIL is getting divorced, that is hurtful, yes, but ‘brother, cancel your life for me?’ NO! Life is full of suffering All the Time! If nothing else this shows why you should continue your plans of the wedding! Your fiancé has obvious trauma from his family, and good for you to show him he can rise above it and has support from you to get through it! That will be his family’s loss by their own doing! Support one, not the other? Very toxic! Time to stop the cycle!

  89. NTA, they are two different events. I would also your fiancé to ask them when they think would be a good time for you guys to get married. Is it 6 months after divorce, 1 year or after SIL gets married again.

  90. NTA. Even if you were to push everything back for her out of "respect," when does the "respectful window" close? In two years, would it be, "Your future SIL still hasn't found a new man, you can't flaunt your special day in front of her!" Or five years down the road perhaps, "SIL just got serious with this man, wait until after her next wedding!" They sound like they'll make some excuse no matter what because their pet isn't happy.

  91. Definitely NTA... If I were you guys.I would just uninvited all of them or just elope. This is a horrible dynamic for your fiance and sil and just cut them out completely... you both don't need that toxicity in your life. I wish you both the best!

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