AITA for splitting mine and my wife's finances?

  1. N T A As it stands, you're not the one who split your finances. Your wife did. She's just mad she actually has to pay bills.

  2. I have great respect for the follow-up to your original comment. Thanks for being willing to take a closer look after OP had responded to my, and other poster's, comments.

  3. Are you saying he makes $95 to every $5 she makes? So if he brings home $950 a week, she brings home $50? I spend more in gas a week than that. She can't pay anything of note with that. Maybe dinner for the fam at Pizza Hut. Does treating herself mean a mani OR a pedi?

  4. NTA and you either need counseling or a divorce attorney. Extreme changes like this in a marriage (unless you are abusive and she's making moves to escape) are typically a sign that something has changed and likely gone wrong.

  5. NTA, and frankly, this sounds like the least of your problems. Couples therapy is probably your best bet because this is financial abuse, and it kind of sounds like she plans on leaving you.

  6. That's something that's crossed my mind. Here's the thing I can't force her to communicate with me. If she doesn't want to stay she doesn't want to stay. We've tried therapy. 3 separate times. It went well when we were seen individually. It's when we are brought together that it all falls apart. She believes she holds no fault. That I'm the reason we have a strained relationship. So when the therapist started making points I've been been voicing fo4 quite some time she shuts down and doesn't want to go anymore.

  7. If you do the math, OP claims to make ~$60k/month. He says he makes 4x their bills, but is always broke. His wife's $1500 contribution is apparently critical to him not being broke.

  8. YTA for lying to this sub in order to appear reasonable, which you're very clearly not with the extra info you provided later. You're attempting financial abuse instead of all the thousands of alternative solutions, of course you're an ass.

  9. 1.5k would be approximately half her monthly salary. I don't care one way or the other if you believe it or not. You don't matter to me so neither does your opinion. Have a great day. Better luck next time.

  10. Info: What aren’t you telling us? Maybe how you’ve been taking advantage of her previously? What did she learn about you 6 months ago?

  11. NTA, open the new account. Figure out a fair split on bills given each person's income, and insist that you each xfer the agreed upon sum to the joint account each week when you are paid. All common bills get paid from that account.

  12. INFO: Nothing in this story makes sense. Honestly, your wife in this post just looks like a one dimensional villain in a television show for children. It honestly feels like you made up this lazy tale of the evil gold digging feminist forcing good men to subsidize their lavish lifestyles.

  13. If you want anything clarified then please ask away. As far as accusing me of being an incel? Sounds like you've cornered the market on that one bud.

  14. NTA, and this sorta reminds me of my own mother who spent a few years embezzling family funds in ways that let her exclude them from marital joint assets until she was ready to leave a very small pot to split with my dad.

  15. Check out OP's comment history (if he hasn't deleted it). Something stinks about his purported mystified state with respect to what may have caused his wife to think she needed an exit strategy.

  16. To be honest I haven't a clue. And as far as I can gather, which isn't much. She claims I'm irresponsible with money, which I find funny. There's never any money for me to be irresponsible with.

  17. NTA. She’s building an emergency fund behind your back, God forbid she divorces you so no you’re not the AS. She’s going to have a bank account full of cash and she’s gonna leave you broke and go for half of what you have. Go cover your back go open the account and you should split the bills 50-50. After all marriages are 50-50. She is committing financial infidelity. She is hiding money from you. Good Luck.

  18. Your comment history would be one clue as why she is suddenly having the need for a new account with her own money. Dude, you're gonna be divorced soon and for a good reason.

  19. "Just in case" of what? It sounds like she's stashing money away so she can leave you. You made things even, and now she's pissy about it because it doesn't benefit her like opening her own account did. NTA.

  20. YTA. You make 95% of the income and are trying to get away with 70% contribution. Something stinks here and it’s not her. The correct response would be to sit down, look at your finances as a WHOLE, and come up with a solution that gets the bills paid, savings grown. and leaves you both with an equal amount of “fun money.” Cut down on expenses if need be. Y’all are supposed to be a TEAM.

  21. After reading the comments, I don't know if it's Y-T-A or E-S-H, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if your wife isn't creating herself a little nest egg to give her options. Like leaving. One thing is for sure, you're definitely an AH.

  22. YTA. You make 95% of the income, so split should be 95:5. Put it this way: you and she should have the same amount of "fun" money each month. Everything else has to be spent in agreement.

  23. For someone who’s been married for as long as you’ve had why after clicking on comments from your profile were you commenting on multiple sexual post from other woman. I feel like this whole separating finances isn’t just random at this point there’s clearly a reason after so many years she did that.

  24. Info: how much of your salary does she make? More or less? Household bills should be split based on income percentage. So it's hard to tell who is the ass based on this. Numbers needed. Like if she makes double what you make, she should pay most bills. If you make double, you should pay most. If you both make the same, you should contribue equally.

  25. NTA and as everyone has said you both need couples counseling. A just in case fund is a so I can leave you fund. Find out why she is unhappy and address it.

  26. INFO: This is a very sudden change in behavior, which leaves me all kinds of suspicious. Is she hiding an addiction (gambling, drugs)? Hiding an affair? Planning on divorce?

  27. AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read

  28. ESH She can keep some money for herself, but taking all of her funds out of the mutual account and expecting you to pay 100% of the bills while she has all of hers as fun money is not ok. I would be concerned that she is trying to hide things from you, like an affair partner or perhaps she is preparing to leave you. Or maybe there is a lot more to the story here and she is trying to save money because she is being financially abused in this relationship and is looking to protect her money and future.

  29. NTA. I understand having an emergency fund or a just in case find that usually doesn’t take the whole paycheck. Maybe 5-10% if that in a separate account but the fact that she had her whole check to deposit into her own account, I’d be keeping an eye on her. She may be getting ready to use that “just in case” fund.

  30. Are you really asking if you are an AH for not being a doormat? NTA. Sounds like your wife needs an attitude adjustment or you need to leave.

  31. NTA. What??? I've been with my husband 13 years too - we have always just pooled the money and it's "our" money as soon as it hits the account, no matter who was working at the time. I would not start up a whole other bank account unless I was planning to leave or he did something to make me think he was going to leave.

  32. Nta- it seems off that after so many years together there is such a sudden, unexplained, and without warning change. That does not at all sound like the team striving for the betterment of your family you described. Something changed that the two of you need to communicate about.

  33. She split the finances already but diverting her direct deposit into her own account. And what does she mean by “just in case” fund? Does she think you two are getting a divorce? If she really felt some type of way, she could’ve held a conversation with you like a responsible and mature adult instead of just changing her direct deposit. If she also wasn’t frivolous spending, she’d have a nice chunk saved up by now even if you were to split the bills 70/30.

  34. I wonder if you checked her search history of you would find divorce lawyers…getting your finances squared away is the first thing women are advised to do when considering separation

  35. NTA. Youve been super nice but it definitly looks like shes hiding something. I dont think it's wrong to save money just in case but not pay your half? I would have gone insane.

  36. Why should you subsidise a stranger’s selfish luxurious lifestyle? Because that’s how she’s treating you. You shouldn’t be paying a random’s rent and grocery bills. Either she contributes her fair share or you move out and live as the single person your parasitic lodger thinks you are. NTA

  37. My beloved and I tested joint accounts in addition to our accounts we had before we were married, and it didn’t work out so we closed them out. We have been married for 4 years and we are still working out finances. I pay 2 bill and my husband pays 5, but our bills are equal in dollar amounts and then we both pay for our sons child care on payday(we get paid on opposite weeks) we have made things work for the moment, but should things change we will need to modify the formula again. It sounds like your wife split the finances already, you are just closing the joint because there’s no point to do it that way since she isn’t putting in. You are not the asshole for splitting the finances and you may want to rethink the way you split the bills.

  38. NTA but finances are a top reason people split and this is absolutely crazy of her. So I'd really recommend sitting down to talk and seek outside help because this isn't going to end well. You will nickel and dime each other until you decide to leave her.

  39. Absolutely NTA. My wife and I have a shared account but we really only use it for passing money back and forth when necessary.

  40. *Saying this before looking at comments.* You probably needs marriage counseling, the only reason after so many years for her to make such a drastic decision would be that she has changed due to some sort of resentment/relationship issue. You are NTA but I don't think you'll find peace of mind regardless of who sides with you for this event, I can only encourage the two of you immediately seek out a therapist and hopefully you can salvage your marriage.

  41. NTA. Whether you separate finances or not unless one of you isn't working you should both be contributing to the bills. How proportions are sorted out is yours to decide. If anything your wife now owes you a few bill free months but that's for you guys to argue. She made a major financial decision without your input. In a proper partnership that's just not on, separate finances or not

  42. NTA. She split your finances 6 months ago. You are just following her lead. A 70/30 split is hugely unfair to you but only you can decide if you are OK with that split.

  43. So like, what's the "just in case" fund part? In case her affair goes really well and she grows the balls to leave you? In case you're going to hit her and she needs an escape? You got big problems coming your way dude. Sounds like the bridge of communication has been burned while your back was turned. Maybe a counselor can help rebuild it and if she's against it then that's even mooooore suspicious

  44. I get the whole you make more money than her but I also believe in 50/50. Meaning you pay the majority of the bills but you both put the money in same account and you both pay the bills out of it. I saw your comment about working 105 hrs to make the kinda dough you make. I bet I know what field you work in too. If she thinks she gets to keep all her own money while expecting you to Foot the bills wholly then I agree with your solution. Especially if your broke at the end of the month every month. Tired is tired. Fair is Fair. Make her pay a portion of the bills. Sounds to me like she needs a wake up call. Just because you make the kind of money you do doesn't mean she shouldn't contribute unless y'all have kids and she stays home while your out in the field. No kids? Whelp then she needs to add hers to the pot and if she don't want to then she needs to pay a portion of the bills. Hell I put back savings for US during the times he made double or triple more than I did. Nothing to show for it now because he got sick and passed away but I kept us living well for a hot minute. Some just don't get integrity.

  45. When my spouse and I married, 30+ yrs ago., we opened separate account and a joint. He make a heck of a lot more than me, but if I need he gives. If we eat out he pays unless,, I offer. The joint account has all the mortgage, utilities etc bills. I usually pay for the groceries. We each pay our own credit cards. It works for us. Your wife is TA, for sure. She opened her own account "just in case?" Is planning for a divorce. Just wondering.

  46. NTA but this sounds like it is about a lot more than the bills. She is obviously hiding something far more significant. Not sure if it’s an affair, a gambling problem or she is hoarding the money in preparation for a separation but there is something serious going on

  47. NTA but given your other comments, why are you with this person? Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and she just seems to be using you.

  48. NTA. Dude, you are being unceremoniously dumped. She’s planning on walking out on you and setting her do so, likely workout telling you where.

  49. Based off this and everything I’ve seen you comment, I’d leave her tbh. Might be extreme but I can’t see where she cares about you or your feelings at all. NTA

  50. NTA but you should see this as a red flag and take a few steps back and think if other things sticks out. Either she puts hers into the shared account again, split fairly with a consultant looking through things. But honestly it would leave me bitter and move towards divorce she's greedy.

  51. NTA. This is financial abuse (on her part). Either all income is joint income, or all income is individual income. She can't keep her income and expect you to keep yours as joint.

  52. NTA. Do you have access to her account or statements? I’d be looking for lunches, dinners and 1 day hotel stays if you know what I’m saying bud

  53. NTA. I don’t criticize the wife for wanting a separate account. Financial autonomy in a marriage is healthy and responsible; however, it should be discussed beforehand and mutually agreed-upon. My husband and I keep separate accounts and have agreed not to police each other’s finances unless our spending starts to affect the household. We have our individual bills, but all household bills are split. We deposit an agreed-upon percentage of each paycheck into a shared account for household bills - mortgage, utilities, daycare, etc. - and then we keep the rest in our own checking accounts and/or savings and investment vehicles. (With that said, we both have agreed to this arrangement with the caveat that we are contributing a healthy amount into retirement accounts and for our son’s future). I can’t imagine trying to take advantage of my husband by making him pay the bills while I spend money on frivolities or stash it away as some sort of divorce fund. Marriage should be about equity and respect. Wife has not been respecting OP.

  54. NTA. It is time to take a deep look into your relationship. It appears that she is getting ready to leave and building up a nest egg. First and most of all get a lawyer. Keep all financial records of things you have paid for in the last several months. Get a PO Box and have all of your financials mailed there. If her cell phone is on your plan cut it off. You have the right if she is not paying you. Change all of your passwords on all of your accounts/bills. Change things like the password for the internet. Other bills to look at is auto insurance. Get a sole policy and let her know you are canceling the joint. Go through everything you are paying for. IF you can drop her off of it, do it.

  55. You're NTA but your wife sure is. The fact she didn't even tell you she was putting her share of the bills into a separate account for her fun times speaks volumes. Maybe therapy is in order, if not, separate until she realises you are her husband, not a sugar daddy to pay for the roof over her head, food in her stomach and everything else that keeps your house going.

  56. NTA She's basically been deceiving you and cheating you out of money, and you think you might be the AH? Why can't you have a 'just in case' stash too? You've been married 13 years, what are the chances she's planning to bail out and she's building up her resources first?

  57. She is planning on leaving or spending on something she doesn't want you to know about (drugs, affair). Get the account set up ASAP. Divide the bills up percentage wise & pay only your share.

  58. NTA holy shit! She's actively undermining your family and expects you to just put up with it!?! Hell no! Now that she's made it clear she keeps her money while spending yours you are in the unfortunate position of splitting everything single bill and keeping separate finances. You should also get some kind of forensic evaluation of your shared finances because this is massive red flag territory. She's lying to you about something huge financially, you need to figure out what and why ASAP!!

  59. Split your finances!!! I'm sure your wife was talked into her little scheme by a friend of hers. Stay hard on your decision. If you pay one of her bills, you'll be paying them all soon.

  60. A just in case fund isn’t supposed to be your whole paycheck, and certainly not meant to be fun money. It’s for if you need to fucking get out, especially for people in possibly bad living situations or relationships. What an awful appropriation of that concept. It’s like watching the wolf of Wall Street and thinking Jordan Belfort is the one to emulate. NTA.

  61. NTA. In the case of a divorce, half that money she's squirreling away is yours. She doesn't unilaterally get to decide that you are stuck with the burden of funding both of your lives.

  62. NTA If she is feeling like the mixed finances are a burden, a plan that works for many people is separate personal accounts and one joint account for bills, with bills split proportionately by income and paid out of the joint account.

  63. Dont start nothing wont be nothing She changed the rules. Blaming you and playing the victim is true asshole territory, even if what she wants is fine if everyone agrees

  64. NTA. You’re being more than fair. Your wife needs to start contributing to the bills. She can’t just use all her money for fun and expect you to use all your money for bills only. That’s isn’t fair. This is financial abuse.

  65. Nta I would ask to see her deposit and I know you brought this up but ask her how’s fair you cover all the bills while she doesn’t. I read a comment saying your bad with your finances, which you have to work on but still, that doesn’t make this any fairer. Split your finances immediately!!!!

  66. NTA. This is gonna get serious though, be ready for major fallout. Best of luck! Also, definitely get a separate "just in case" account because that just in case may be coming soon.

  67. When my husband and I were getting married, we took a marriage course. Separately, 2 different people (a lawyer and a financial advisor) told us that we should have at least one separate account each (for our own use) and 1 joint account that we both contribute to, to deal with all household expenses. We have very successfully maintained this for 42 years now. I very strongly recommend it.

  68. NTA, but you have not split your finances far enough in my opinion. Your finances should be split permanently in family court with adjudicated spousal/child support if legally applicable. This is the ‘just in case’ scenario she is already planning for so help her plan come to fruition!

  69. NTA if your wife has moved her wages to a private account then certainly you need to move your wages to a private account. Then have a joint account for bills. Certainly if her money is private whilst yours is not, it can lead to being wiped out by her. She has made a protection move, so you need to do the same.

  70. NTA. If she’s open to it, I’d have a shared account (or several) for shared expenses that gets paid into proportionally by income first (so shared expenses are a proportionate burden on both of you). The. personal stuff comes from the leftover personal accounts. That way the shared account(s) get priority but she still feels like she gets to keep some money for personal savings, fun money, etc.

  71. Gah. This is not a dig at you OP, but my god I wish more people in relationships would discuss important stuff such as finances and children and wills and the big things BEFORE getting into a committed relationship.

  72. NTA .... income ratios are irrelevant and OP is generous to consider the 70/30 split... household bills are 50/50 so contributions should be just as equal....

  73. NTA she went behind your back so she could have her money and expected you to pay all the bills. I don’t care about all the comments saying you make so much more blah blah blah. It’s a partnership and asking her to take a 70/30 split is more than reasonable.

  74. NTA just dip out. From reading these comments you’re clearly not that concerned with the sanctity of the relationship and anytime you have financial problems with a girl it’s because they expect you to handle all the actual living expenses while they just want disposable income. People are too focused on the fact that you have more and that’s not “equitable.” It shouldn’t be equitable, you have a higher paying job so you should have more disposable income. People are mad that you guys don’t get to spend the same when in reality you’re still covering 70% of her living expenses. To make the math simple: if you make 4k a month and she makes $1000 a month and your expenses are $1000 a month, she still has $700 extra dollars for herself while simultaneously living above her means. Without your contribution, she would have no disposable income unless she changes her rent, utilities, food, and internet. On the other hand, you would be able to adopt a more expensive lifestyle and have more disposable income. I hate the assumption people make that just because your more successful you have the obligation to provide all of someone else’s basic needs so they can enjoy the same luxuries as you despite not providing the same amount of value

  75. NTA. This is an indication that she is preparing to move on. Make sure that everything is in your name only—the house, the cars, the utilities, credit cards, etc. That way, when she does leave, it will be more difficult for her to show that she has a payment history for a good credit score. If she pays for credit purchases, have her give you the money for her purchases, then you make the actual payment. If the utilities are in your name and you have to move out, you can have the utilities shut off.

  76. NTA. And to be honest, fuck these other people. Your a grown ass adult. If you watch porn, congrats. So do majority of people. Has nothing to do with the post. And if she is a consenting adult to your bedroom ways…. Cool.

  77. I've known for the last 6 months. I've tried to be patient and talk to her about it. I'm met with anger and fights. I wanted to give her the opportunity to sit and talk with me which she refused.

  78. NTA but wow people are going nuts over this. It was one check, she didn’t stock pile cash or withdraw extra from the joint account. You need professional help with your relationship.

  79. No my friend it started back in December. And has been going on since then. I've decided if it's ok for her it should be ok for me right? I am a firm believer in true equality.

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