AITA for telling my sister I can't be her maid of honor at her no-kids wedding

  1. I can't figure out why people are so mad at OP. OP sounds pretty level headed and simply declined, rather than do a lot of free labor for Sister, while also being a single mom & full-time working. Honestly, I can't see how OP would have the time to be MOH anyway, at this point.

  2. Completely agree with you. Also the wedding is 6 hours away from where OP lives. Who wants to be in a car with a toddler for 6 hours if they can avoid it? Or, it could end up being an overnight trip, and either toddler stays home alone all that time (and I don’t blame OP for not being comfortable leaving a toddler overnight with a babysit) and/or they all have to get a hotel which is an additional cost.

  3. We’ve seen so many posts regarding childfree weddings that we have pretty standard advice, and OP did exactly what she was supposed to do. She asked “is there any way you can make an exception. No? Then I’m sorry, I can’t come” which is also what we always tell people to prepare for, when they want a childfree wedding or a destination wedding; some people won’t be able to come.

  4. I never had a baby sitter and while I didn’t turn out completely fine, my problems aren’t from not being baby sat!

  5. 12 hours is just the travel time! I was a nanny and I can imagine a scenario where someone comes over to play and meet the kid in a safe environment, with the mother around, and ease into childcare that way...

  6. Info - are you planning on never having a babysitter that isn't your parents? That may be a good thing to have lined up anyways as an alternative option. And your kid doesn't have any socialization besides you and your parents? That doesn't seem great for the child's development.

  7. I’m in the UK and don’t think it’s strange to never need a baby sitter. I was always left with grandparents if my parents went out at weekends and in the week we go to nursery from about 3/4 years old…. It doesn’t mean you’re not being socialised…. (Also OP wasn’t asking for parental advice)

  8. I literally never had a babysitter who wasn't a member of my family, ever. I'm 30 and aside from being on reddit, I turned out okay. I'm sure OP's kid will be fine

  9. Cause the kid wont ever socialize in prek, kindergarten, 1st-12th grade, after school programs, sports teams, any classes they take, clubs...

  10. Lol! What? Babysitters are needed for parents' sanity, yes, so they can go out and have some child free time. They are not in any way important for the CHILD'S socialization.

  11. I live in a country where non-family babysitters are VERY uncommon, and I can't say that's really affected societal or personal development here 🤷‍♀️

  12. A lot of parents are very strict about who watches their kids while they are too young to properly express if they did something bad to them. Children get socialized in plenty of other ways.

  13. I mean. I never had a babysitter that wasn't immediate family, or long time family friends that were essentially immediate family and that was still very rare. I turned out fine. My social skills are fine. If anything my parents would receive compliments about how well I spoke to others at a young age 🤷🏻‍♀

  14. NAH, but I think you’re clearly telling your sister how important (or unimportant) she is to you. It seems like there are options beyond leaving your son with “some stranger.” How far out is the wedding? Surely there’s time to find a responsible baby sitter and get everyone comfortable and familiar with one another.

  15. But OP said her sister lives 6 hours away, so it wouldn't be leaving the child for a few hours during the wedding, it would be 6 hour drive, wedding, an overnight, and six hours back, unless she brought the babysitter with her.

  16. This is interesting to me. I always expect that if it is important for someone to have people attend and event that have children that the event will allow children.

  17. I'd be pretty fucking pissed if my best friend expected me to leave my toddler with a stranger for an entire day, possibly overnight, for their wedding.

  18. NTA: For everyone judging you, I was a preschool teacher. Kids hit different milestones at different times. I worked specifically with 3-4 year olds and some were potty trained, some weren't. Some never talked. Some talked my ear off. Some napped. Some didn't. It's different for every kid.

  19. I wouldn't leave my toddler to go out of town either. With non-family? Hell no. Most parents I know would not have done that with their first child. And you having to drive back 6 hours the same day? That is unsafe for you to do. Everyone is jumping down your throat but sis could have made him a ring bearer or something. She is the one making the choice to have a childfree wedding. She needs to accept that there are many parents who would not leave town without their young children.

  20. I wouldn’t leave my 5 year old with no -family and go out of town! I would happily do so with family now, and I’ll leave him overnight at a friends where I know their parents really well (sleepover) but only if it easy to get too if needed.

  21. NTA for declining. But you absolutely need to find a reliable babysitter. At some point - like this wedding - no relative will be available to watch him. Having a backup you've checked out and introduced to your son may be a necessity some day. Your sister is a AH for yelling instead of saying "I'm sorry we'll miss you."

  22. Agreed, as a parent of 3 without immediate family living close by, not having a sitter in our new town has been limiting as to how I function as an individual. Having a “deeper bench” with subs for the inevitable occasion where family isn’t available is crucial (which I’m working on).

  23. NTA. As an only parent, I know how hard and expensive one off solutions are. People who seem to be judging whether or not your child is socializing enough are completely forgetting about logistics and pandemics.

  24. I didn’t leave my kids till they were verbal. My mother in law had a very terrible traumatizing event happen with a baby sitter. So I just waited til my child could tell me what happened when they were away from me. Also what does leaving a kid alone at night have to do with a successful date? You have very narrow definitions of both dates and “a life”. Give up and semblance of yourself as an individual? Jesus moms get guilt for being away from their kids, now if you don’t want to leave them you have no individuality? Come on stop with the mom guilt. It goes both ways.

  25. She’s not ready to leave him for an entire weekend. The wedding is six hours away and a maid of honour and sister of the bride will be busy. She’d probably have to leave Friday before lunch to make it on time for the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner, wedding is all day Saturday, Sunday is family brunch and packing. She won’t be home till dinner Sunday night. I can see that being a lot to ask of your friends, and a lot to ask of a toddler who has never been babysat.

  26. I can't fathom paying for a babysitter for 12 hours if driving plus a wedding, so likely at least 24 hours, because of a child free wedding. Forgetting everything else, that is a deal breaker for me.

  27. I appreciate your concern, but my child gets plenty of socialization outside of his care takers. We have playdates with my friends' children all the time, and his aunt (the sister we're discussing) also usually loves to spend time with he and I. I love all my friends, and all their children, but they're all extremely busy even if I paid them I don't know if they'd say yes to baby sitting him, and even if they did say yes I'd still be rather uncomfortable with that idea, this wedding is out of the way for me I'd have to leave very early in the morning and I wouldn't be back till late evening if I literally only stayed for the ceremonial parts, and even though my son and I are familiar with them, we aren't familiar with their schedules and life styles, and if the children fought or got boo-boos while I wasn't around, of course their own children will probably to some extent be put first over my son, not trying to be judgemental, its natural for parents to favor their own children but I'm scared that could breed sibling-like resentment between him and his friends, and I just don't want any of our relationships to sour at all from putting a pressure like sharing child care between us, I mean if it were some kind of life or death situation, if I were in the hospital or something, I'm confident that between our friends and my parents that my son would be reliably cared for, and I'd do the same for them, but as things are now we're all pretty content not babysitting each others kids.

  28. Child development studies have shown that before the age of 5 kids dont need to socialize with people outside their family to develop properly. After 5 that changes

  29. YTA. It’s one day. Your sister isn’t asking you to go on a week long trip somewhere. She’s asking you to be part of her wedding day, which is a big day for most people.

  30. It’s not one day, though. The wedding is six hours away, and with rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and brunch the next day she’ll be gone from before lunch Friday to dinner time Sunday. For some moms, that’s too long away from a toddler.

  31. NTA. Personal opinions on childcare aside, if one decides to throw a child free wedding then one must accept that some people will be unable or unwilling to attend (both are fine). She was absolutely TA for being an arse to you about it.

  32. NTA and I can’t believe how many people are saying you are or downvoting your very legitimate reasons for not being able to attend.

  33. NTA Sorry you’re getting all these crappy judgmental posts. I have never left my kids with strangers. Family only and this is a family wedding so obviously you don’t have anyone you trust to watch him. Childcare is expensive and if I could have kept my kids home, I would have. If you said yes to your sister people would still judge you and say you should have declined. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!

  34. Baffling is the right word for it. A couple weeks back AITA came down fairly hard on a mother wanting to put her child in a summer program while she worked, even going so far as to say she should never have had the kid if she wasn't going to watch him herself.

  35. NTA but fyi you shouldn’t use the exception even if she agreed to it. Other people who had to make arrangements for their own kids and knew about the exception may resent you or the wedding party for that, and people who DON’T know about the exception will presume you’re an AH for thinking the rules didn’t apply to you by bringing a kid to a no-kids wedding.

  36. Thank you for your answer, I get what you're saying and I definitely agree. The only reason I thought it might be easier for her to explain in this case is because it isn't a huge wedding and only a few of the other attendees have kids, and they're all her friends whose parents aren't going to be in attendance, so they have the option to leave their kids with their grandparents, so I thought she could perhaps talk to them about it first, and see if they would be cool with it. Just to add some more context, like I said I definitely understand what you said, and I agree completely, and if my sister would just say that, and not be mad at me for not being able to come then I wouldn't be feeling so bad right now 😞. Thank you again for this great comment though ❤

  37. NTA- I totally understand the babysitter thing, personally we have had only family and two very close friends watch our son, and since our daughter arrived only family. Someday it might be a good idea to branch out but it’s a 6 hour drive, and she asked you to be MOH? Like that sounds like at least a full day commitment, potentially overnight and so that’s a long time to spend away with a babysitter for the first time! Her response is rather telling, of course you prioritize your son above your sister, YOU SHOULD!

  38. NTA. Everyone you would trust with the kid is going to be at this wedding so it will be a stranger. You are not wrong to be uncomfortable with this. Your sister is not wrong to want a child free wedding BUT she is wrong to expect everyone to go with it. When you have kids they come first. That’s good parenting. Sometimes you miss a wedding for them, oh well. Not your problem.

  39. NAH your sister is frustrated you don’t want to attend her wedding. And you have every right to not go to a wedding if you don’t want to.

  40. You can’t leave your child with a friend you have play dates with? Asking her to make an exception, when you do have options is wrong. Attend or don’t, but don’t think she’s wrong for not making an exception.

  41. I didn't say she was wrong for not making an exception. Technically I didn't say she was wrong for anything, but I do now think that she is wrong for yelling at me, and saying hurtful things to me, and now giving me the silent treatment just because I can't attend.

  42. Also you seem to have read my comments. I've made it pretty clear by now that I have no options that don't require some financial aid from my family, and if you think that regardless of all that, your way would be better you'd benefit from reflecting on the poem "Judge Softly" otherwise know as "Walk a Mile In His Moccasins"

  43. NAH, bordering on not the AH. Your sister has a right to not want kids at her wedding, but she needs to come to terms with the fact that some people may decline to attend for that reason. You have every right to decline her invitation because you don’t want a stranger watching your kid.

  44. You don’t need to go to the wedding. But your dependency on your child is concerning. Will you refuse to find romantic partners because you would struggle with finding babysitters (especially if family is unavailable)? What about your own friends? Do you go out for fun at all? To exist as an individual person and not just a mom?

  45. You are a mess…..please stop. Do you have children? I do not smother my child and I don’t leave them overnight with strangers while I am six hours away. Maybe I have work ten year in a picu….and seen all the shit dumb babysitters have lead into my unit. It’s not unwarranted to want a babysitter you trust. I love how moms now get guilt for everything! Even not being “individual” enough. Just stop you are apart of the problem. Women get hated on for everything, and then told we are crazy! She is a single mom to a three year old give the lady a little grace!

  46. Going against the grain here and saying NTA. Her reaction was completely and utterly over the top. While I don’t necessarily agree that you couldn’t find a childcare situation both you and your child are comfortable with by the time of the wedding her reaction leads me to believe that being her MOH would be more trouble than it’s worth.

  47. Thank you very much for your comment, I agree. If instead of blowing up she just brianstormed with me for ideas I'm sure we could have come up with something together, because in fact a potential solution I would be comfortable with came up just brianstorming with some of you Redditors here today smh.

  48. NTA even if you had a trusted babysitter, the 6 hours away part makes it impossible. What if there is an emergency and you are all the way there or there is some delay and it takes you more time than expected?

  49. NTA. Three is a very young child. If the wedding was a few hours in the evening it would be one thing. But OP states she would have to leave very early and return very late. It is too much to demand parents of very young children to be away from the kid for a full day or more. People who don't have kids, or who are very comfortable with strangers babysitting aren't going to understand, and that's okay. It is a very brief time in a parent's life when their kids are on their hip every day. I understand there is a new generation of people who are demanding child free events. It's fine to want that. But don't get mad when parents don't come.

  50. Smart money says she will have to leave on Friday to attend the rehearsal dinner. Wedding ceremony, reception & whatever jobs her sister has planned could take up all of Saturday. OP will be gone for two days minimum.

  51. YTA, at 3 he should be fine with outside childcare. This post just reeks of you waiting for an opportunity to make your family choose between giving into your demands or telling you to buzz off.

  52. Do you know how many strangers that kidnapp kids when babysitting? Or that harms the kids in any way? There’s A LOT of them.

  53. YTA, because you immediately turned down the invitation and didn’t even try to find any other solution than your sister changing her rule.

  54. Care.com? Really? Tell me you expect me to put no effort into keeping my child safe without telling me you expect me to put no effort into keeping my child safe.

  55. INFO: what are other guests doing for child care? I'm sure there's at least ONE who also has kids they're making arrangements for. Why not reach out and find out what their plans are?

  56. This sounds like a service the hosts should provide if they want a child free event but want people with kids to attend. Otherwise be ok with people not attending.

  57. i’ve scrolled a while & haven’t seen any explanation for who would watch him while she was busy with MOH duties even if she could bring him to the ceremony. her parents & her could easily be busy at the same time.

  58. I have three kids in school. They have never spent a day with a babysitter. It was my choice as their parent to not leave them with someone I don’t trust. They’ve spend time with family members, that’s fine. But as a parent I reserve the right to decide who my kids stay alone with. NTA.

  59. NTA but I hope this prompts you to consider options for child care when your parents aren’t available. It’s going to happen eventually and it’s good to have a plan for an emergency like that.

  60. No she won't. You think her sister who asked OP to be MOH is just gonna be like oh it's fine, she didn't want to go through the hassle of a babysitter. Nah she will not forget this.

  61. NAH. But I will say that you need some kind of emergency childcare setup for your son. What if one of your parents was in the hospital - who would watch your son?

  62. NTA for declining but there’s no way you cannot understand why your sister is hurt over this..? No, she should have shouted and she really does need to apologize for that. Both of you have very valid reasons to be upset right now. You don’t want to get your child a babysitter and would rather miss out. I’m giving sister a pass too because honestly I’d be livid too over it.

  63. I never said I couldn't understand her hurt feelings, I just don't understand why that warrents the yelling and insults, and now she won't even talk to me, so how am I even supposed to try to compromise with her if I can't even get her to answer a text message?

  64. Info: Why don’t you ask one of your son’s friends for a quid pro quo? You take them for a sleepover one weekend so they can have a date night and they’ll take your son for the wedding weekend?

  65. NTA. I’ve said it before on previous posts. An invitation is not an obligation. She is free to invite you and extend the request that you be the MOH; you are free to decline. WTH is with people thinking once they ask you’re obligated to say yes?

  66. One thing that people who post on Aita don't get nor do ther commenters get either is that life is a two way street. Everything you do has a consequence. Yes you can sit there and hold your child free wedding with a smug face, but expect that many people won't be able to come. It is what it is. NTA.

  67. Wait. This wedding is 6 hours away from you…so 6 hours drive plus the 3+ hours for wedding and ceremony and probably and overnight stay. Then 6 hours back…your sister wants you to leave your child with a random babysitter whom you do not know for a full day and a half?!

  68. Would it be possible for your sister to arrange an on-site babysitter? If your son was around other kid family members would that make him comfortable? I’m sure you’re not the only one inconvenienced by the no kid rule and you could fine out who else would be using the service.

  69. Why in the world are people talking about socialization. From my memories, when my parents hired a "stranger" to babysit, they would feed us dinner and put us to bed, and the majority of the time they didn't interact with us for more than a few hours. What necessary socialization would a child get from that? For something longer than one night, my parents would always leave us with family or friends, but is was with friends that we had already spent a lot of time. And it certainly wasn't with a stranger when I wasn't even in kindergarten yet.

  70. YTA. You should already have other options for childcare in cases of emergency. It won’t hurt your child to leave him with a sitter for a couple of hours to attend your sister’s wedding.

  71. I see both sides. The wedding is 6 hours away so you would either have to leave babe overnight or bring the sitter with. Neither one of those situations are ideal. Especially since you’ve only babe with your parents. Listen I get it, I have a toddler and we’ve never done overnights….I’m not ready.

  72. As MOH, OP will most likely be expected to be at the rehearsal dinner which is usually the day before the wedding so she will have to leave home on Friday. Wedding is Saturday & as MOH, I am sure she will have a lot to do before, during & after the ceremony. Depending on the time of the wedding, it is probably that she won't get home until Sunday.

  73. I don’t think you’re an AH, but I think your sister is allowed to be upset. Give her time and hopefully she’ll come around and maybe you guys can figure out a solution.

  74. NTA she's entitled to have a truly child free wedding, but she has to accept that not everyone will be able to attend.

  75. I really just don't understand why op's sister wouldn't want her cute little 3-year-old nephew in her wedding????? Ppl are weird as hell man.

  76. NTA. Your son is your priority not your sisters wedding. If she wants you to be there she should either make an exception for the child free rule or provide a baby sitter at / near the place of the wedding. Expecting to leave a 3 years old who isn't used to that for days with a baby sitter is a no go. That would be a very traumatising experience for your child.

  77. When you put strict conditions on an invitation you run the risk of it being inconvenient or unattractive for some people. Expecting everybody to bend to your will is unrealistic. NTA

  78. NTA. It's her issue. It's bad sistering on her behalf and, frankly, she should expect some no shows with her rule. I had a no kids rule at my wedding BUT fully accepted that there would be people who couldn't attend.

  79. NTA. Though I do think you should consider finding a baby sitter outside the family; perhaps then you could leave your son with the sitter and just go to the wedding ceremony. Being MOHay be too much, but at least this way you won’t be missing the wedding completely

  80. NTA. Given the 12 hours of travel time, Bride is essentially asking you to leave your toddler with a stranger OVERNIGHT. Also, she’s asking a single mother of a three year old to take on MOH duties? She can kick rocks.

  81. A wedding invitation is just that, an invitation not a command. She is absolutely allowed to have a child free wedding, you are absolutely allowed to decline to attend. She has a vision for her wedding that doesn't suit you, you get to say it sounds lovely but I am unable to attend. She could include your child in the wedding, she can accept your saying no. She should not scream and throw a tantrum because her way doesn't suit you. NTA

  82. NTA you kindly decline and she making a big deal out of it. You ant no bad parent either you only looking out for your son. At most only person being selfish is your sister. Either way you wouldn't be the AH because you respecting your sister wishes for a child free wedding. You did offer a compromise and that okay since you decline the offer and explain why.

  83. NTA. A child-free wedding means some people won't be able to make it. Your son is very young, and the wedding is far enough away you'd be away from him for a very significant time. That's both expensive, and impossible when you don't have someone you trust. And we parents have all read stories about babysitters who are nice on the surface only. It really sucks this is your sister's wedding, but she made her choice and shouldn't mistreat you because you can't leave your toddler for that long.

  84. NTA. This should be a NAH situation, because sister isn't wrong for having a child-free wedding and you're not wrong for being unwilling to attend a wedding without your child. It's simply an incompatibility, which means that you regretfully won't be there.

  85. NTA. If you being there was a priority she’d have made an exception. Your child comes first. She wanted a child free wedding and that comes with consequences. Her wedding is not a priority and that’s just something she’ll have to make peace with. You explained the situation to her and she attacked you. She owes you an apology. Stand your ground.

  86. NTA, but I can see how your sister might be hurt if she hadn’t thought that you would be unable to come. Maybe you could jointly arrange for a babysitter on site right near the wedding location? I had my wedding in a children’s museum, so obvs we were cool with kids, but we also hired a sitter and had an area set aside for that if parents wanted a break.

  87. Thank you. Others have already made these suggestions, and I did text my sister about it yesterday. Hopefully soon she cools down enough to answer me and talk about it with me. I hate to ask her to help me with the expense and planning of near/on-site babysitting, but I simply don't have the money to do it by myself.

  88. NTA. You can’t be too careful nowadays. I wouldn’t leave my child with anyone who is not family. My brother and his wife are getting married in September. My boy will be one years old. They know I don’t have anyone to leave him with because all our family is going to the wedding so they’re allowing me to go. If he becomes fussy and yells, I’ll take him outside to not ruin their moment. Sometimes brides/grooms have to make exceptions if they truly want someone specific there.

  89. NTA. Your not comfortable leaving your toddler for such a long time. There is nothing wrong with prioritising parenting. When people plan weddings that require travel and the exclusion of children they need to expect that some will not be able to attend. Ignore the busybodies criticising your parenting. You not depriving you child of experiences or damaging his development because you don't want him to be cared for by non-family.

  90. NTA. Your sister is being super unreasonable here. She's allowed to have a child free wedding, and you're allowed to not attend.

  91. For sure NTA. PS - I’ve been to weddings where the host hired a sitter or two and they were assigned to a room with the kids so the kids are close for nursing mothers or parents who want to check in, but are out of the party.

  92. NTA at all. Plus it wouldn’t be just for the wedding. It would be for the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, the rehearsal dinner and probably other things to. Being MOH is a big commitment and it’s good that you were up front and honest about it.

  93. NTA- She thinks it's a bad thing that you are "coddling" a three year old!? What is wrong with that? Why do you assume you did anything wrong? If she talks to you again it should be to apologize.

  94. Thank you for this. I have a hard time not being confident in myself, my family has always been rather discouraging to me about most things, including this, I love them, but they sure know how to instill doubt in me sometimes.

  95. NTA. and you’re a good mom for not sending your child away like that to a stranger. i also have a 3 year old son, my only child, and the only ones who have babysat him are my mom and my grandma. i have a bit of trauma, i had my collarbone broken when i was 2 years old, the first time my mom let me go off with my aunt, and my mom didn’t want to but everyone pressured her and said she was being paranoid. I really think you’re making the right decision here

  96. NTA. My mom absolutely refused to let anyone babysit me besides my grandmother (dad agreed with mom) until I was old enough and capable of communicating/talking so if something was wrong/off I would be able to speak up for myself. I plan to do the same thing. I was also NEVER babysat by a stranger. At 3yo my mom would not have left me alone for that long with someone not dad or grandma, and even then not easily. I also would not have handled being away from her for so long (6hr there +6 back +wedding +reception basically means an overnight).

  97. NTA. The people who don't think of childcare before making commitments like this are the AH. And you definitely aren't the AH for declining a responsibility you couldn't meet.

  98. NTA. When people ask for a no- kids wedding it should be respected, but they should be aware that some guests with kids would not be able to come. I personally would consider childcare first but it looks like you have and concluded it doesn't work for you. That's okay. I'd prefer to leave the with family and it's fair enough if you don't want to leave your child alone for that long. It can be expensive anyway. If she really wants you there she could suggest some sort of solution but she hasn't.

  99. NTA. The first time you’re away from him should not be all day for a wedding. I understand your sister wants it to be child free but choosing that includes people declining because of reasons like yours. She lashed out at you quite horribly though so I wouldn’t be inclined to “bite the bullet” for someone who didn’t take your feelings into account.

  100. NTA. An invitation is not a court summons. No thank you is an acceptable response to an invitation. Regardless of who it’s from.

  101. NTA. It's pretty childish of your sister to go straight into insulting your parenting skills as a reaction to you politely declining something. I don't have any kids and I don't want any but if I had a three year old toddler, I would not want to do that either.

  102. I honestly don't understand this idea the many brides have that dictates that everyone around them do everything they want because "it's there day". Never mind that it's actually two peoples "day", it doesn't give you the right to be disrespectful because someone can't accommodate your request. You declined nicely, and have your reasons. Plus from what I read on here the MOH is expected to do a lot of things for the bride. However, how are you going to attend the wedding if you don't have childcare?

  103. NTA, she has the right to decide she doesn't want children at her wedding but she needs to understand that not everyone will be able to attend because of that. She can't have it both ways.

  104. NTA and frankly you are better off staying away the kinds of entitled assholes who believe people are obligated to do what they want because they are getting married are also the kind who throw fits during and after their weddings and treat people badly because of some random percieved slight at wedding or reception.

  105. NTA. Do they need a ring bearer? Seems like an easy fix if she’s concerned about others being upset about an exception being made. (Assuming that’s why she would be upset…)

  106. Thank you 🙏 I'm trying to get her to talk to me again so we can discuss this option, hopefully she'll be done cooling off soon, and we can get something like this figured out, because it does alleviate like 90% of my concerns I'd just need some help with the cost, my parents already said they'd chip in.

  107. YTA . You have other options which you didn’t bother to explore, the wedding isn’t tomorrow so you’ve time for a practice run. And your kid is three for goodness sake, unless you are planning to homeschool them you’re going to have to prepare them.

  108. money is an issue for a lot people. and having a child free wedding means accepting the harsh truth that some people can’t go. sure op can find some way, there’s always a possibility, but with how the sister acted… what makes her deserving of that? why should op be worried about her kid, money, etc, for someone who treated her with disrespect? (sure op could’ve not asked, but i don’t see the harm in it. and asking a question isn’t a valid reason for that reaction) ESH but realistically op less. no one is entitled to your presence or sacrifices, especially after you don’t treat them with decency.

  109. ESH. She should not have berated you like this, but certainly you could have found arrangements if you had wanted to go.

  110. INFO - if you are staying overnight somewhere to attend the wedding, why can’t you take your child with you and find a babysitter for the duration of the wedding? Is there another friend that can either come with you to babysit or can help out at home? You guys are obviously close if she wants you to be MOH, I’d be pretty pissed to if you weren’t even willing to try to find a solution.

  111. I'm willing to talk to my sister about on site options, though that would leave the burden of expense still, I would need help with that, but she's still giving me the silent treatment, so until she decides to start talking to me again we can't discuss these ideas for compromise.

  112. When’s the wedding? You may very well have time to find “some stranger” who won’t be a stranger by then, or a friend who could watch your kid for a day or two.

  113. NTA. But you might want to consider finding a sitter outside your family and trying them a few times. We were in the same boat but incorporated an occasional sitter because it occurred to us we needed a plan in case either of my inlaws were ever in the hospital (we would all end up going).

  114. NTA. Don’t apologise, there’s nothing to be “forgiven” for. Let the trash take itself out. I wonder why you feel so guilty about a grown adult acting like a toddler?

  115. Thank you. I just have a hard time because they're my family but they've been like this my whole life, setting and keeping my own boundaries and standards has always been hard, because they always pressure me to budge on everything, so even though I know in the logical part of my brain that I'm not being unreasonable, I still feel sh*tty, ya know?

  116. NTA for not going to the wedding. Its the bride and grooms right to decide that they dont want children at their wedding, but they need to understand that it means some people will not be able to attend.

  117. NTA. But you should start having your son spend time away from you for his own benefit. Soon there will be school, it will be a shock if he has never been on a play date or park visit without his mom.

  118. ESH - how do work a full time job from home with a 3 year old? I have kids and there is no way that I could effectively work and juggle a toddler at home.

  119. ESH - how do work a full time job from home with a 3 year old? I have kids and there is no way that I could effectively work and juggle a toddler at home.

  120. NTA I think your sister is acting a little bit ridiculous yes she’s entitled to have a child free wedding but she also has to understand that there’s people who can’t go because it is child free. also everyone in the comments telling you to get childcare it really isn’t that easy. it’s a three-year-old and it’s completely understandable that you don’t want to leave him with a complete stranger for such a long time. everyone commenting about socialization is wrong as well. The fact that a three-year-old has never had a stranger as a babysitter isn’t going to hold him back developmentally.

  121. AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read

  122. YTA. Your son won’t be left traumatised from being left with one of your friends and their kids for a day. This is a special exception that you should make for your sister.

  123. YTA. Your sister probably isn’t so mad that you don’t want to be the MOH. She is mad that you don’t even want to attend. You have at least 3-4 months to get your son used to someone else. You aren’t “upending” anyones life to ask if they would watch your son for a day. You have friends you have play dates with. You aren’t even making an effort to go. Do you have a family member that isn’t that close to your sister that might be ok with staying at a hotel with your son? Did you ask your sister if he could come to the reception if you found someone to watch him during the wedding? Does the venue possibly have another room where someone could sit with your son during the ceremony? I mean there are a lot of options and you won’t even attempt to check them out. This is your sisters wedding. It’s not some random birthday. It’s her wedding. Apparently you are close with her. She is hurt that you won’t even attempt to be there. So this silent treatment isn’t going a way anytime soon. You will be really lucky if she gets over this anytime soon.

  124. Lol her silent treatment is literally the only reason that we can't talk about other options and compromises like your examples. Like seriously how am I supposed to make plans with someone who just shouts at me when Im explaining my comfort levels to her, storms out, and then goes dead silent on me?

  125. Can you bring your son and hire a babysitter at/close to the venue for a few hours? This way he’s close by. I’m sure the venue has someone who can recommend a competent babysitter. NAH

  126. It's your sisters wedding and your kiddo is 3. Plenty old enough for one overnight with the right person. 6 hr is far but not crazy. Most people would go that far to see their new nephew/niece. It doesn't seem too far for a wedding. Compromise isn't the end of the world. If my sister didn't come when she was that close and the solutions necessary were that minimal, I would know exactly where I stand.

  127. YTA-Your sister wanted you to be a part of her wedding in an important role and you have made it clear that you have no interest and for the weakest of reasons. At some point you are going to have to leave your son with a childminder, but I suspect you are just using him as an excuse because you don’t want to go. Presumably your sister will only marry once and it wouldn’t have killed you to make an effort. Lots of people leave their kids with babysitters and it’s obvious you are trying to sway people in your favour by continuously referring to childminders as “strangers”. Your sister won’t forget this, nor should she and when the day comes that you want something from her I think you can guess what her answer will be.

  128. NAH. She has to accept you're choosing not to come to her wedding. You have to accept she is going to be mad at you for this.

  129. NTA, and you shouldn't apologize, you should really just drop the whole thing. Don't go to the wedding, don't send a gift, let your parents know that after the abuse your sister flung your way, you are going to just go NC with them and live your life.

  130. NTA but you are going to have to learn to leave your child with a stranger before too long. What are you going to do when it's time to go to school? Go with him everyday? Kinda seems like you'll be the helicopter parent everyone hates if this trend continues.

  131. YTA. you didn’t even try to find an alternate solution, you literally sit at home all day the least you could do is pretend that you’ve looked for a babysitter

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