When do you drop a bombshell on a potential partner?

  1. I'm kind of a "This is me, deal with it"- type of person, so I let them know pretty early. I just don't want to waste my time ( or theirs ), so I tell things like this pretty early on. Sometimes on the first date, sometimes a little later than that.

  2. Same. A week into my relationship with my now husband he said, “You’re way too good to be true. What’s the catch?” I replied, “Well, I have crippling, chronic, clinical depression.”

  3. exactly, im jus upfront with them. "i got some issues, just telling you now because i dont want to start something and then turn you away"

  4. Absolutely, if your panic attacks are frequent or your triggers are difficult to avoid. Being in a relationship with someone who has meltdowns and can't function from time to time is absolutely more than some partners can handle. I haven't had a panic attack in many years myself but being shamed and dumped for it sucked, and their experience of it was equally terrible. Nobody wins by hiding a medical diagnosis.

  5. I think it comes down to the fact a lot of people have never experienced them and don’t know what to do, and then if it happens regularly it’s a lot to take in and deal with, a lot of people aren’t up for dealing with that with a partner

  6. I think it depends on what the bomb shell is, honestly. I don’t think you necessarily need to talk about it before going out on the first (or even 3rd) date, and what it is and how it impacts you/your partner(s) should drive your decision.

  7. Anything sexual I would mention before we got physical because in my opinion it’s not consensual or ethical to withhold information that effects their experience as well. As much as we may not like it, they deserve their right to decide for themselves if they are interested or not.

  8. It depends. One of my "bombshells", that I'm autistic, I strictly consider to be a later-dates kind of thing; I'm very adamant about letting people get to know me as a person before I talk about my developmental disorders because I feel that I need to break stereotypes about autistic people in advance. I've also never met anyone who could clear this kind of conversation with grace which makes me want to not have it unless necessary lolol.

  9. On our very first date, I told my (now) husband that I never want to have children. He, thankfully, felt the same way. I also disclosed to him my mental health diagnoses. He and I were both in our late 20’s at the time, and I felt it would be more efficient to get it all out in the open, and to show respect and consideration for both of our time and desires. It worked out well, and created a bedrock of trust and honesty. We’ve been together for nearly 8 years, and we’re still very open, honest, and communicative. It’s been helpful too, in that I developed a chronic illness 4 years ago and we already had the tools to deal with its impact emotionally.

  10. There's no clear formula. I had a secret I did not know how to share, so sometimes it came out on a first date, and sometimes weeks or a few months in.

  11. It really just depends. With my current bf, me and him were best friends for almost 3 years before we actually started dating. So he knew basically everything before the relationship even started. But, about a year into our official relationship, I opened up to him about something that I was extremely insecure about. It was one of those “no one will ever know because they have no reason to” things. But I really felt like he should know everything about me. I wasn’t sure how he’d react, but I’m proud to say he hugged me, held me til I stopped crying, and told me he’s glad I trusted him enough to tell him that. Lemme tell ya, ladies, when you find someone like that, it’s something special.

  12. After everyone has eaten. Hunger can really creep up on people and Hangry is a valid emotion. Remove the hunger from the equation for both parties and you're more likely to have a respectable conversation.

  13. That's a great practical advice. And also probably when you have time to discuss and when the other person may have time to process if needed.

  14. Anything really important should be disclosed immediately. Big things especially could be a deal breaker for someone so why waste time?

  15. I never had any bombshells to drop, until I started posting nudes on reddit I guess. I was talking to a guy for a while, we were getting on well. I mentioned I posted pics online early on but I guess I wasn't blatant enough. We had a good first date, until I brought it up again, to make sure he was clear about it. Well apparently thats a big thing to some guys, and he ghosted me after basically calling me a whore and a crackhead??? So I guess that's something 🙃

  16. It's something I mentioned and talked about way before I developed feelings for him and we got together. We both were pretty open about our mental health, our struggles with anxiety disorder and/or depression and the issues we've encountered in the past (abuse, neglect etc) months before the idea of a relationship even crossed my mind, as we never viewed those things as taboo.

  17. Um, tbh took me a month. My bf knew something was off but kept thinking it was him he was saying "dating isn't just talking to u. It involves other things. Hugging, holding hands. Kissing. And u know. If u can't do any of that ever, I can't do this. I just need to know if it's because u don't like me". I was feeling panicked and pressured, thinking all he wanted was sex. I had to tell him do to traumatic situations, I needed to go at my pace. He asked what kind of stuff and I told him that someone in my life since I was 11 tried to pressure me into sexual acts. He felt horrible forcing me to tell him this and was saying he wasn't trying to get sex out of me. We were both virgins and never interested in sex before meeting each other. But telling him everything made him understand how scared I was. . It's been 10 months now and tbh, we are both pretty messed up from horrible things. Just glad after that talk, we became more open to our experiences and aren't afraid to talk about things. It's better to know near the beginning. If they can't accept u then, they probably never will

  18. Wow, he definitely had a very mature way to put things. I honestly would've thought the girl was playing with me or something and would've stop dating. Communication is important.

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  20. If there's something that I would consider a potential deal-breaker or think that other people would consider a potential deal-breaker about me, then I don't wait to disclose it. I'd far rather have that open upfront so we can both move on if we are incompatible.

  21. I got raped by my last Partner. I was in denial about it,because i thought i was stronger than this. Kinda blew up in my face tho.

  22. Before getting into a relationship. During the conversation where you're speaking about defining what the relationship is. Or like 2/3 dates in depending what kind of person you are

  23. If it will affect your partner like infertility or stds, tell them at the beginning before anything happens so that they have the choice of not getting involved. If it doesn’t involve them like SA, tell them when you’re ready—if you’re ever ready. I think if you’re taking care of your mental health through therapy, medication, or both I think you could categorize it as something you can tell them when you’re ready because you’re taking the steps to not have your mental health affect your partner, but if you’re untreated and take no steps to make sure it doesn’t affect them (like if you have anxiety then doing things to reduce stress like walking could count as untreated, but taking steps to not have it affect your partner) then you should be upfront with it at the beginning.

  24. Of course, it depends on the person. A couple months ago I had to drop something on my significant other, and since I know from past situations that I will accidentally scare him by putting any lead-up statements or questions ("I have a question... can you buy some cheese while you're out?" "Why did you do this that way... it looks great!"), I just sat down, I told him I need to tell him something important, and did it. Just ripped the Band-Aid right off. To a fair, I did wait until the end of the day and didn't surprise him during lunch or right before work.

  25. After a few times of hanging out I’d say. Children has always been a deal breaker for me ; and I was very vocal about that which is probably why my now boyfriend waited until date 4 to tell me he had one 😂 by then I’d already caught major feelings so I decided to keep going (thankfully) however if he told me on the first date I probably would have bailed so there’s that!

  26. When I drop the bomb depends on the nature of the bomb. A lifelong STD definitely before we have sex. Infertility, before getting serious. Life threatening illness, I would likely bring up early on, before getting serious, but not necessarily immediately.

  27. My husband and I were having those talks on the third and fourth dates, everything from politics and religion to mental illness and parenting.

  28. I want to know about a person's mental health, hiv, # of ex wives, number of known children, and your favorite place to go on vacation by the 3rd date.

  29. I would share it after I’ve determined that I am interested in dating them further but before things get serious or sex happens. So probably after a couple dates ? I’ve been in this situation a few times , from both sides, and it’s never gone badly

  30. I feel like some of them are… if they come up they come up, kinda things (victim of SA, panic attacks, depression, etc). Other things are more should warn them pretty quickly, especially STDs or infertility.

  31. I’d tell them pretty quickly. Because if they don’t react well at all, then you might have dodged a bullet. I mean, it depends on what it is of course. But I feel like it’s not a good thing to not tell someone if you feel like it’s important.

  32. Before, or on, the first date. I like to lay all my cards on the table and the ball is then in their court. Later on down the line if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, I know that I did everything from the start to be truthful.

  33. For things that effect my future SO's life, first or second date. They deserve to know, so they can make an informed decision on whether to continue dating me (and I deserve to get promptly rid of anyone who wouldn't want to date me!).

  34. ideally pretty soon, depending on what it is. i'm personally of the opinion that stuff like politics, religion, sexuality, lifelong diseases that affect your functioning, infertility and whether or not you want kids, trauma that actively affects you etc. etc. should be first or second date questions or ideally even pre-first date questions. you don't want to waste time investing your energy and feelings into someone who won't like you for something you believe in or something you are or something you have.

  35. I'm in recovery from drug & alcohol addiction (almost 14 years sober now). That is a 1st date type of disclosure for me. I was online dating for the first time 11 years ago when I met my husband and it was in my profile, I put it in a light-hearted way like "due to a wild and crazy early 20s, I do not drink or use drugs but do enjoy being a designated driver to parties. And by parties, I mean knitting."

  36. I tell people I’m mentally I’ll on the first date! I can’t keep it in, like I’d rather not invest my emotions in someone who has a problem with that? So it’s easier to let them know upfront.

  37. Intimacy is built differently with different partners. Whenever you feel it's right to bring up, or whenever you feel comfortable enough to talk about it. You don't typically ever sit down with your partner and have a "let's discuss all our past trauma" talk, it just comes out when it does.

  38. I am a very up front person so as soon as know I want to take things up from friend/casually talking to dating. I lay everything out on the table so there are no misconceptions.

  39. I let them know within the first three dates or so (around the time when I figure out if this is something I want to pursue long-term). It's better (for me) to approach this early in order to weed out those who can't handle big things like that or do not want to. I lay it all out on the table and do make sure to say that I understand that these can be deal breakers and I respect if they don't want to continue dating. It can lead to some heartbreak but it's better to get it over with to not get hurt further down the road.

  40. when I met my boyfriend, I was 3 years deep into a horrific divorce. I told him within minutes of meeting him. he didn't have a problem with it. i try to keep it real real. my boyfriend and i are still together.

  41. I told him within the first week or so of us dating. Granted, he had known me for almost 2 years at that point and had a rough idea of some of it. I've been pretty open with my mental health. So I'm not sure if we were basically strangers if I would have laid it all out then.

  42. I’m very open so I just get all that shit out in the open right away. I don’t want to get attached to someone and then have them run away because my trauma, chronic illnesses, or inability to have another child is a deal breaker.

  43. Potential deal breaker things for me are a 2nd date topic. They barely know you so it’s not personal if it’s something they can’t deal with.

  44. The monkey on my back is kind of banal. I have multiple sclerosis. I've had it for 21 years. I used to not be able to walk. Now, I can tap dance. It's kind of a pain in my butt, but it's not something that greatly affects my life. So, I share that I have it very early on.

  45. I'm autistic/ADHD. Most people can nail down the ADHD pretty quick but most tend not to notice my autism. Most people know as soon as they meet me because I'm very open about it.

  46. It honestly depends on what it is. For me, I struggled with really bad PTSD that would trigger panic attacks during sex, so I felt it was important to let my partner know a basic understanding of that before having sex with them. However, I don't think everyone is entitled to know your story or the details of it all. I would probably say that if it's an STD, they should be aware of it up front so they can understand their risks and whether they want to take those risks. As far as being a victim of SA, a life threatening disease (that's not transmitted via sex) or mental health issues, that's something that you get to decide if/when you want to share that information, and I personally have chosen not to share it right away, but later when I felt safe and comfortable to do so.

  47. Whenever I feel safe enough. For my partner, I told him very early on because it was difficult to hide but we were both sick.

  48. My partner ghosted me after 3 year relationship when I came back from helping refugees in ukraine and she didn’t pick me up at the airport and lied to her family about where she was sleeping that night.

  49. Early on, in a matter of fact way, before either is too emotionally involved. It’s an information disclosure - not a request for support.

  50. I have epilepsy and for some guys that can be a deal breaker when it comes to dating. I can't drive so it's hard for me to get around. I won't say anything about my issues maybe a month or so

  51. I have an autoimmune disease that requires me to stay on a very restrictive diet so I usually bring it up on or before the first date, since it can be a dealbreaker for people (although I would never expect a partner to follow said diet). All of my longer lasting relationships have started as friendships, though, and those people tend to know about my issue beforehand.

  52. My boyfriend laid his on the table on our third date. And I was immensely grateful that he did. It took a little longer for me to feel safe enough to share mine, but it was within a month of his.

  53. I'm fairly open, so my close friends would know those things if they applied to me (at least 1 does, plus probably some you didn't think to mention, but I'm not saying which).

  54. tbh i usually wait until the subject comes up. i try and very subtly push the conversation towards the topic and then go ‘oh yeah lol btw i think you should know that…’

  55. I tell them as soon as we get exclusive. I may be dating someone casually without being exclusive, then I don't share many personal details. The day we decide we're in a relationship then I tell them everything.

  56. Every relationship (and people) are different, but I feel like if both people in the relationship intend on keeping things long-term, you should let each other know anything and everything early on.

  57. I have a lifelong STD and have shared that information with every sexual partner. For a while I relegated myself to only dating other people that have it, which was fine when I lived in a city but became impossible when I moved to a small town. I recently started dating someone I met on a “regular” dating app, and it was super clear there was a ton of chemistry, so I talked to him on the phone about it before our 2nd date to give him an opportunity to digest the information, ask questions, and decide whether or not it was a dealbreaker- which is really a courtesy I wish the person I got it from gave to me. Luckily it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, and things are going well so far.

  58. I was young, went on one date with a boy I liked, he asked me to be his gf, and I laid it all out immediately. I don't waste my time, lol. He's now my husband, so I guess it worked out!

  59. I put right on my profile when online dating that I wanted to adopt my children and any partner would need to be on the same page. It was crazy how many guys got to the first date and were shocked when I mentioned that. "Seriously? Like, why not have any of your own?" "They will be my own kids. But biologically? Yeah, I can't." Surprised Pikachu followed by reasons

  60. If its STD related, then before sexual contact. If it is something like infertility, I would say probably before things get too serious. That's a pretty grey area but I think most people will know. I think if there is ever talk of being exclusive, or if you are already exclusive but are still keeping something close to the chest, you should probably reveal any info that may make someone change their mind in the future. It's the right thing to so for both of you.

  61. My wife and I laid out all the bombshells for each other near the beginning of when we started dating—basically, at the point where we knew we were interested in each other. I don't know if that's right for everyone, but it worked for us to know from the start what we were getting into, and whether we could accept these issues with each other.

  62. Being a survivor of S/A, my lips are sealed about that until he asks me directly, after a few months. Same with the PTSD. I won't talk about either until I know I can trust him. I've had both used against me in previous relationships by abusive partners. Sometimes abusive people will want to know all your "bombshells" so they know exactly what they can get away with doing to you.

  63. Never had the chance to do that before, but when I think about it I think I should speak when we both get comfortable to share our secrets. I wouldn't share personal things right away because I don't know what they can do with that info. But in the end it depends on each person, my advice is to reflect on it and find a balanced time to share it. If it is regards something more sexual or intimate you should say it before you both get physical for sure, and please, don't say it right after getting engaged, or whatever. Choose your time wisely

  64. As early as you can. It's about honesty from the beginning, and it's totally unfair to spring any of these large things upon another after months of keeping it silent.

  65. I'm transgender and told my now fiance on our first date. We had worked together for about three months before he asked me out and I already knew that I was very interested in a long term relationship with him.

  66. I’m a question asker. So mine kinda came through conversation instead of a confession type deal. So it would be like (I’m not infertile) but “Oh what do you think about kids?” “I like them, I want maybe one or two eventually” “I like them too I actually work with them! I do want to have some as well but im infertile” (also have found that when stated casually it’s not an end all thing and they usually just ask questions) Usually they answer with “Your infertile?? So adoption or” and go on from there. I’ve never had anyone upset but it gives a clear view on whether or not it’s a deal breaker. not the approach with stds or anything like that

  67. I don't know. If its relevant to them and it comes up I guess. Eg infertility would be something to say early unless you both don't want kids. Std before you have sex obviously. Or in general "when things get serious"

  68. I think my biggest bombshell when I was dating was my no sex policy, it was quite strict, no sex, nothing remotely sexual in the slightest not even kissing if it’s not chaste (like French kissing). Basically on the first date or before I’d tell them.

  69. Well... I never dated intending for it to get serious, so I didn't feel the need to inform anyone of much about myself. And then I had a date with a guy and somehow ended telling him my deepest secret... We kind of just vibed?

  70. I'm a fairly open person, and I even think I use trauma as something to bond over with other people. I just end up saying it when it becomes relevant in conversation, and it will usually come up soon enough, probably before we even become partners

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