Do you ever feel like you are permanently broken?

  1. Today I got triggered really badly and I've been feeling so low. Today I wished to just die to save myself from pain. I feel like there is no end to my life agony. I don't want to live with all of this pain anymore. I feel so alone. I don't just feel alone, I am truly alone, without support system.

  2. I am sorry, I understand and feel this way often. It is the saddest feeling. I hope that you feel better tomorrow.

  3. I feel this so hard. I'm so mad about what happened, and I'm mad at myself for letting it happen, for not stopping it, and letting it go on for so long.

  4. I can relate, I feel that hopelessness all the time. I never felt like I deserved the abuse, but I have always blamed myself for not being able to figure out how to get better, for failing at every attempt to make something good of my life.

  5. Resonates so much with me. Just starting recovery from another relationship. I fell deeply in love - first time in my life and I’m 60, only to have it crash.

  6. Yes, this. I’m 42 and my life has gotten progressively worse. I had hope for so long, now my only hope is to die painlessly without causing more trauma for anyone else.

  7. Im also 40, trying to do the tasks of somone who is 16-18 Im still not getting it right. I tried a long time and now I have no more energy.

  8. Yup. The other day a "friend" turned on me in the most horrific, unpleasant way possible. And I can't handle it. I've been through so much in the past 6 months. Can't I just have a break? He even said that it's my fault and that I cause "drama" (because being abused is "drama", right?). Maybe it's true. Can I really surround myself with that many horrible cunts? I've literally got 3 horrible cunts to avoid now. Life sucks.

  9. This, ^ soooo much! I've had people I thought were "friends" and who said they "cared". But then they turn on you like a nightmare from Christmas past. The truths are most people either enjoy watching(like a day time drama) other people's world burn, or they enjoy helping it burn a little faster each day. This is part of the reason I don't really have any friends. They just added wood to the fire that is my trust issues. If you find someone that isn't like this, they're a Unicorn, protect them, love them, keep them safe, but most of all treasure them!

  10. Before the pandemic I had some hope, despite feeling broken; the last year and a half has left me with almost none. I had some ability to trust too, but a terrible therapy experience in the first half of last year more or less finished that off. The EMDR I’ve been able to access at last doesn’t seem to be making any difference.

  11. It is very wonderful to see you and your children are actually facing these difficulties together. My mother never ever changes herself, and you are very smart, since my mother never did the exact healing/trying to fix my Cptsd symptoms, it is very brave for you to do it.

  12. I feel like I can't trust my own judgement. Like I can never be sure if I'm mad and unhappy because of what was done to me, or if I'm just depressed, I should just be able to get over it, it's my fault I can't get over it, and this will follow me the rest of my life.

  13. Yes to everything you said, except feeling like I deserve it. Or maybe I still do feel like I deserve it, I guess I do sometimes..

  14. For me, I realized that it wasn't so much an actual thought of 'you don't matter' at myself, as it was denying myself an equal share of food, giving myself the opportunity to pick what we ate for supper or entertainment for the evening instead of always making sure someone else got to pick those things, many small things. Allowing not only my spouse but boyfriends and bosses to abuse me both emotionally and physically. Not once or twice either... for decades.

  15. No, I don't believe that. I don't think or believe the only relief is death. I don't think that I deserved the abuse. It was an incredibly shitty situation of horrific proportions that no one should ever have to experience.

  16. I don’t believe that I deserved it, but I do feel cursed or doomed to play out the “karma” of my parents; and that the only way I can do it, to break the cycle, is through a solitary/spiritual existence. I’d love a family of my own but I haven’t been successful socially/intimately and as it is, I don’t want to pass this along…. In another incarnation, I suppose I would be a pilgrim or a monk, but here I am, a woman with C-PTSD in a modern American life. I keep thinking that I’m just “getting my affairs in order” before the end. Trying to work through this in therapy.

  17. I feel like what's really keeping me from getting better is money. I am on social security disability, my issues are extreme enough to keep me from making money, and I have little hope of finding a good trauma therapist on Medicaid, which is what I have now. I feel very trapped...

  18. I think I understand, memories come and the pain associated with them can be really hard to push through for me, is that what you are feeling?

  19. Yeah, and after a while I remind myself that that, the seeming catastrophic extent and seeming hopelessness of my traumatized existence, too, is a symptom.

  20. I don't feel like I deserve(d) what happened. However, I do feel broken. So broken. I've had suicidal ideation for a really long time. Since my early teens? Earlier? I have worked so hard but I feel so broken and so alone.

  21. I've learned that healing isn't about feeling better, it's about getting better at feeling. If you see yourself as broken, then you will remain broken. If you see yourself for the pain and beauty you carry, you can accept everyone carries pain and beauty, and learn to love yourself for it without trying to fix anything.

  22. Underrated comment. At 33 years old I realized that when I’m in a low mood I find myself thinking I’m just fine, what are you talking about, low mood, pfft. Some days I can’t even tell if I’m unhappy or angry or what - not until I verbalized it recently and said something like “I’m angry at you” to my girlfriend and it just felt like cutting for relief. I dance around my own feelings instead of identifying them and moving on which keeps me locked in them.

  23. This is so true! The more you understand and learn to express your feelings - the “easier” it is to heal. I have made peace with the fact that I will have to keep on working on this for the rest of my life. I recommend book: Permission to feel by Marc Brackett and listen to podcast by The Tim Ferriss Show episode 464. Wish you lots of luck on your journey!

  24. Yes, but it's different now because now I know I didn't deserve it nor do I deserve getting treated like shit or abused. Fuck them. Yesterday I gone through what you're going through. It just happens like that is all I can say based on my life experience with it.

  25. Every single goddamn motherfucking day. I'd rather disappear for eternity than live a lifetime of misery, self-hatred, blame games, pissing-off people, losing battles, severe defending, FOMO, envy, jealousy, physical/mental/emotional/psychological/verbal/emotional abuse, humiliation, neglect, regret, shutdowns, lies, false hopes, denial, trauma, self-sabotage, uncontrollable anger/rage, perfectionism, hypervigilance, anxiety, depression, toxicity, failure and chronic shame.

  26. At times, yes, I was a shit head. I was harsh towards people, my friends, I was fucked up and had no idea even at age 10, without coping mechanism, I was doing hard drugs as a teen, I was lazy and didn’t (I mean don’t*) bother looking for work, I was rude, presumptuous, sometimes violent - and I still don’t blame myself. It’s not my fault why I am the way I am, it’s only my fault if I don’t get help and I’ve got till I die to do that, a pretty long time. I was a product of my environment. Now that I’m out of that environment there is a sliver of light telling me be a product of your inner being. I don’t even know myself that well. I’m not all that self aware, not as much as I think I was. Still not my fault. I’m starting therapy soon. People who are really badly off become serial killers IMO. It’s your actions that are irreversible, not your defaulted being.

  27. I feel this way quite often. I went through a lot of childhood trauma, and even though I'm older now I still feel trapped inside of that small body and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

  28. Yes. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live a normal life. What’s been done cannot be undone. Like scars. They never go away. They’re always there. But they do heal and get better. I do believe I can get better. But I’ll always be scarred. Life will always be a battle. I do believe I “deserve” everything I’ve been through as well. I’ve recently come to realize that I’ve never viewed myself as a victim. Ever. I’ve never had any sense of “victim-hood” because I believe it’s my fault for everything I’ve been through. I’ve never lent myself much compassion. I’ve only realized this after coming to terms with my mother abusing me. It was very upsetting, accepting it. And I felt bad for myself. I had never felt that way before. It was a completely new emotion.

  29. This was my reality until very recently. It took so much work, asking for help and support. I still have spirals but now I pet my cat or dog and take a nap.

  30. Half of that is a pity party most likely due to the hard wiring of trauma. I often wonder if I’m the narcissist in the family instead of the black sheep. Then I remember how at age 6 I was isolated for a week with nothing and had a bowl of cereal whipped at my head for leaving that room and I go oh, right.

  31. Yeah. Today is a really bad day. I ended up developing gastroparesis early in life likely due to my trauma and it's made me literally disabled. I can't work. Some days I can't even cook or clean or anything. My husband does everything and I'm just... fucking useless.

  32. I am permanently broken. I have been able to heal a great deal from where I was at my most traumatized and lowest point. But I am not and never will 100%. It's just too hard. And the potential payoff for healing enough to think about dating again is just not worth it to me.

  33. I have thought this for like 5 years solid now and after the last real 8 months, I feel 100% not functional on top of being permanently broken. I am shattered beyond repair. I can’t think of a single thing that makes me feel stable and purposeful.

  34. Alll the time. It does get better though, and it HAS gotten leaps and bounds better for me, but it is tough to see that with depression in the mix. Wishing you all the best. Don’t give up! ❤️💫

  35. Nobody is "broken," at least not in the sense that there is a platonic ideal of what humans are supposed to be. Obviously mental illness and trauma are terrible things that shouldn't have happened, but there's no point in re-litigating the past. Living in the past only makes you feel more embittered, more resentful, and prevents you from living your fullest life. I've wasted much of my life wallowing in my own pity, when I should have realized that I could use my pain and suffering more productively. That I can turn my trauma from a crutch into an asset to help myself and help others, either directly or indirectly. Find the source of your pain, your trauma, and use it for the betterment of others. Don't let your trauma go to waste and be some random thing the universe inflicted upon you. Use it to make the world a better place, even if it's just something as small as complimenting your friends. "Do not go gentle into that good night" and all that shit. Don't deprive the world of what you have to offer, because you have a lot. We all do, even if much of what we have to offer is rooted in suffering. Do it, even if it's just to give this godless, ethically-blind universe a colossal fuck you.

  36. I feel alone in this community sometimes that I don't feel angry or believe the abuse I suffered was in any way my fault. I just feel defeated and sad. Sometimes I wish I'd been the surprise child my mother thought of aborting. My sister was given that abuse growing up, being told my mother / father wished to have her aborted, and I used to secretly wish my mother had wanted to abort me. It's almost worse knowing I was wanted only to have been neglected and abused like it just makes me incredibly sad.

  37. I'm tired of feeling like "this" which a lot of shows itself as being tired. essentially I'm mostly tired of feeling tired even though I know that's a symptom and not the cause.

  38. Yes. I do feel this and especially right now. I’m sorry you have to experience this too, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

  39. Yes. All the time. I always try to tell myself that it's in the past now, that I'm on the other side of the event and that I'm still me regardless of it all.

  40. Yeah but I’m not sure I was ever not broken. I seem to view life differently and very much feel I’m not compatible with it. Often suicidal these days but bizarrely I think everyone else thinks I’m doing fine.

  41. Yup, every damn day >.< my only happiness in life was also taken from me not too long ago. I thought I was familiar with hitting rock bottom, but all of the depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and cptsd, was actually bottomless this time. I think i may be too far broken to ever truly be me again someday.

  42. i used to, but i realized that this is just a story that i told myself. to break free from this story, i needed to do a lot of inner work to stop being the character of the story and become the story’s storyteller. tell yourself a better story. this doesn’t mean convincing yourself a lie. give yourself compassion for everything that you had done or failed to do. everytime you are reminded of the old story you used to tell yourself, counter it.

  43. Sometimes I think about it and feel worthless. I feel used and disgusted in my own skin. I don't feel like a person. I never realized how badly my self esteem suffered until recently. But some days I JUST KNOW I am the baddest bitch in the world. I am still here and I fight like hell to be here and I am strong. You're still here. You wake up you fight you feed yourself and you live because you are so strong. The pain is unbearable somedays I know, but time is always moving forward and maybe there's a day where we can set the baggage down. Until then you have to fight because you deserve to be fought for.

  44. I don't know, but it will all have a way out, this is what I believe, it is a process of continuously overcome the hard time(Have persistence.) It is very hard to conquer the helpless feelings, but soon you may look your suffering as a prove that you must have willingness to cope with all the tough feelings, and overcome the emotional flashbacks, and live your life with these memories, and it may quite different than other people without Cptsd, so you need extra support to validate your way to live. Everyone is so strong while they feel they are not, they maybe have despair feelings like you do, but we never ever give up, so Cptsd can't take over us. There are some words, that are extremely heavy, but I know we just need to persist, and never give up.

  45. You've been treated this way because you think you deserve it. Predators intentionally seek out people who hate themselves becuase they know they'll take way more abuse than anyone else before they'll get the gumption to leave (if they get the gumption to leave). It's just how bullying works. They don't pick on you because you deserve it or becuase you're flawed. They pick on the one they know won't defend themselves.

  46. I felt that way for years, before I discovered I had CPTSD. After a lot of work I usually only feel that way when I'm stuck in an emotional flashback.

  47. I've gotten better for a bit and then I've gotten worse (repeat that 1000 time). But recently it seems like I am on a steady and serious decline. I truly believe I am perminantly broken. I think it fluctuates in severity but it's not going away. Every time I've tried so hard to get better some other issue knocks me back, worse than it was before.

  48. Yeah. I felt that way for several years. But the important thing to remember is that these are just feelings...They might be so powerful and overwhelming right now that you absolutely think you believe to the bottom of your soul wrenching gut...that all of these things are true. But they're not. And these feelings won't last forever. They are not who you are.

  49. Yes. And I feel like I'm always getting hit in the face. Every time I feel like I'm finally making a move forward or feeling a bit happier/hopeful, life gets shit again.

  50. I felt like that for a long while, but my current therapist really gave me hope because she actually spoke in terms of resolving the trauma so I think it's key to find an outside person like that to give you hope for the possibility that it's even a reality.

  51. Well after nearly being killed and moving with my partner and kid across the country, covid ruined a whole two years and during lockdown me and my now ex lost a child and that further spiralled my mental health and now my ex is with another man and I'm a single dad so I truly get how cruel the world can be but you just gotta keep on going pal I hate everyday I wake up and the desicions I've made but in reality the only way life is going to get better is to try your best not to focus on the past but on your future

  52. It's been a year & I'm still having crazy nightmares. I dont get flashbacks, I only get nightmares where I relive the situation of my brother trying to kill me, & no one believing me. I've moved 2 hours away to avoid seeing my family & I have a no contact order but I'm still jumpy & on edge & struggling. Some days are better than others I try to keep busy so I dont have to deal with the guilt & the "did it really happen tho" thoughts.

  53. I absolutely relate to this. Reading this made me want to cry because it just... resonates so deeply. I feel so hopeless lately, all I want to do is just isolate myself and cry. I feel broken. This might not matter much, but I understand your feelings. I hear you.

  54. pretty much all the time, yeah. like something just snapped off when I was a kid and since then it‘s gotten so much worse it became impossible to fix everything now. like when it’s better to buy a whole new machine than to try and fix one that’s severely broken.

  55. Honestly, at the very moment I am contemplating just ending it. I am 25 now and things have changed but never for the better. I can't work, I lie in bed all day and can't even get up to brush my teeth most times. I'm legally blind, too, so that makes my life even harder. Maybe some people are not meant to live a happy life. Maybe that's okay and the only choice I have is between living a miserable life and ending it. My dog needs me though, so I'll probably give it a chance another few years. For me, that's how I've survived my life, day by day.

  56. Would it help you to know that only one part of you feels this way? (An important part who holds important information and tender emotions.)

  57. I feel this so hard. Deep in my soul. And the deserving part is a constant battle for me. It's like when life beats me down so hard on top of everything I've been through, it feels like maybe the abusers were right and it was my fault all along. It feels like maybe I do deserve it like they always told me I did. Like maybe I was the broken one all along and thats why they treated me that way. It gets hard to keep standing up for myself when it feels like everyone is trying to tear me down and keep me small.

  58. that's how i really feel tbh and the more i am aware with the pain and trauma i suffered (especially when i went through a horrible trauma almost half of my life and have to hide it), the more fuck up it goes and it's annoying that even when trying to heal from this shit also include getting tons flashbacks on a daily basis to the point I can't function normally or feeling immense fear and panic. It's like I'm never recovering from this because I'm just scarred for life ;_;

  59. Yup. Every day. I thought I could overcome it, but unfortunately, I think this is just who I am now. I feel sad for my spouse and children. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to recover in a meaningful way. It’s like I accidentally sold them a lemon, and now they’re stuck with a broken, dysfunctional wife and mother. The guilt and shame is intense. And I agree. I think death is the only relief, which is pretty bleak. It’s exhausting to think I may have 40+ more joyless years of slogging along and trying not to damage the people I love who didn’t ask for this. Sigh. Solidarity, man. Sending you peace and strength.

  60. These are deep rooted beliefs that you learned as a child that are incorrect. You deserve the world. Please do inner child work. At your core you are peace and love. Metta to you

  61. External influences definitely don't help with that. Since people that don't experience these things have absolutely no idea what exactly we go through, they really cement that feeling, despite how much work I put into myself.

  62. Yes. When I feel low, I think of all the emotional abuse I've suffered and I wonder "Maybe they were right. Maybe I am stupid, selfish cunt who will die alone because nobody will ever love me. Maybe people were just telling me like it is."

  63. Yes. Pretty much all the time. Even on days when I'm doing "okay" or even enjoying the back of my mind, I'm still telling myself that I'm pathetic for letting my guard down and I need to keep an eye out for trouble and abuse, since that's all I seem to attract and therefore deserve. Most of the time I can't rationalize why else I've gotten randomly attacked in my life.

  64. A book that really helps me is The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beatty. There is a short reading for every day. Sometimes they don’t resonate but so very many do. It’s hard to remember or know how to reparent the kid inside. Sometimes I feel so helpless but as I get more tools it helps. I am glad for a place like this. I look forward to being a part of this thread.

  65. Yes. I feel like I had almost healed from childhood trauma and then I experienced more trauma and it just feels like it's too much to heal. I keep going every day for my kid, because I know what it's like to lose a parent. Now that her father is gone, I feel like I owe it to her to be as functional as possible. I see my doctor and my therapist. I take my meds everyday. I get out of bed. I help her manage her grief. And that's it and I think that's all I get in life, because I'm too beat down by everything. Like, yeah I'm moving but I am so hurt and destroyed every day. My heart is broken, smashed to pieces. Watching my Dad waste away to ALS, while dealing with the sudden, traumatic dissolution of my marriage, all while trying to support a traumatized six year old is too much. I've made it through, though, but I feel like I will always be scarred and broken. I'll always be in shock of it all. I'll consider my life productive if I can stay alive for my kid and help her prioritize being mentally and physically healthy.

  66. I've felt that way for a long, long time now. Idk, therapists always tell me the opposite (as do the armchair psychiatrists), but they never provide concrete evidence as to how that is going to happen. How are things going to be different in this hell of a world? They're not recommending anything different... talk and medicating is going to change things? Working shit jobs? Can't even get something like psychedelics.

  67. Yes.....I'm so sad you feel this way but thank you for sharing as I am not alone with the same thoughts. Today I've been triggered badly about being broken for a number of reasons since childhood. Mostly due to people whom I trusted and thought as part of me shitting on me constantly. Today I actually said for the first time it's probably because I was nothing special to begin with, and people saw that and thought let's shit on this girl because she is so broken so disjointed with no identity or strength that it's just too easy to.

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