Give me a healthy dose of reality sisters

  1. This. Have been in the situation you envision yourself in. After a long day of work, you are going home to relieve your wife of taking care of the kids for the last 12 hours. Every night you’re on call, SHE’s also on call, doing everything alone without you.

  2. Tbh, I actually laughed at that point in OP’s post because there is a reason parents are afforded the rights they are in Islam.

  3. This right here. Theres this belief that homemakers have it easy and youll come home to a perfect wife everyday. You will come home tired and so will she be tired. Kids really take up so much energy. I mean sure there will be days easier than others but dont put your expectations up so high where she will always have extra energy and time for you

  4. No it's not. Sure, I take care of nieces and nephews only sometimes, but the rest of that I do everyday and it's easy peasy. Work is actually just that, alot more work.

  5. Between the machines like laundry and dishwasher the job isn’t that bad. Toss in he’s making enough to get a maid once in a while to help out.

  6. I think your biggest issue is that you are basically looking for two different categories of women pre and post med-school. The type of Muslim woman who is willing to either entirely support a man financially or go 50/50 on finances for 4-8 years is typically not the type of woman who is willing to be a stay-at-home wife indefinitely and conversely, women who want to be stay-at-home wives are usually unlikely to be willing to support a man financially.

  7. I’m so sorry that you experienced that, it’s such a terrifying reality for most divorcees that people like to ignore.

  8. I’m so sorry. You haven’t been treated how you deserve to be treated. However personally speaking I would never mistreat or divorce a woman unless I tried literally every avenue that exists especially with kids. I have two sisters of my own. I would never treat my wife any way I wouldn’t want a man to treat my own sisters or daughters

  9. You’re asking for two different categories of women in one. No woman who wants to be a housewife and wants to look after the house would also be willing to pick up a job and the slack for 5/6 years till you finish med school. And vice versa. The type of woman who would be okay with going 50/50 and working etc would also not be okay with becoming a housewife in the end.

  10. That’s your fault bro, I cannot imagine wasting the prime years of my life. I’m at my peak in terms of hormones, physique, looks, etc and I’m not gonna waste it even if I wanna be a doctor. I’ll find a wife and make it work I don’t care, saying “get in line” is cringe and you just didn’t try hard enough

  11. It’s not really his expectations, it’s more grasp of reality on how marriage works. It’s not all roses and love, there’s a practical sense of a woman not baby sitting you until you’re done with school then flipping her life around after. Women are people with their own goals and ambitions too. If you want a woman who works, accept that is going to be the case pre and post med school and remember that residency is even more draining will a little stipend for your troubles

  12. It’s not fair for you to be okay for her working while it benefits you and prefer/basically require for her to quit something she’s been working at for five years the second you don’t care for it. Being a stay at home parent is one of the hardest things to do. So is striving to have a comfortable single income household. Both people make sacrifices but they also come out at the end when there is a clear understanding of why those sacrifices are made.

  13. I don’t need her to suppprt me while in school I will support myself or my family will suppprt me. I mainly needed either her family or herself to support her

  14. I think you’ve gotten a lot of good comments so I won’t belabor those. I’m not sure if you’re in the US, but as a female resident at a strong hospital in the US, I just wanted to add that you don’t make much as a resident at all. Residents at my institution get paid more than average and those with families are still struggling and living paycheck to paycheck. The real “doctor money” doesn’t come until you’re done with residency/fellowship (another 3-7+ years depending on your speciality) and many people then have to turn towards paying med school loans.

  15. That’s the thing. I feel like I offer nothing right now because I would be a student. Men are valued for providing and right now I’m useless, that’s why the only thing I feel I bring to the table is the future earning Potential. What else do I have to offer?

  16. You want 4 years of patience while you finish your education. You MUST provide that many if not more years of patience while your children are very young … things ease up once they’re in school full time. There is no “energized” woman who spent the day cleaning and minding the kids and cooking. It’s not reality. It’s a fantasy. At least until the kids are in school the entire day.

  17. Of course. Nothing would make me more happy than to be there for my wife and my children. That’s why I stated I have no issue helping out at home regardless of me working

  18. Being a housewife is a draining job, she will not be ‘energised’ at the end of the day as though she has been doing nothing. It’s a 24/7 job with no pay, arguably much more draining than a 9-5.

  19. Respectfully I disagree. Kids are no doubt an exception and I agree 200% that raising kids is a 247 job. However other things such as cooking cleaning and taking care of the house. While my mom was sick I was sort of a housewife for a year. I cooked and cleaned and maintained the house. I had a lot of free time. It was not as much work as people make it out to be lol.

  20. A 9-5 isn't actually a 9-5. You get contacted at home as well and have work to take home. Not to mention doing the household chores, going to the gym, Salah, Quran, etc.

  21. Not the usual scenario in the muslim community, but I have heard of such an arrangement only exactly once in my life. The woman spent her prime years financially supporting her family, and wanted to get married and quit. After she married, she supported herself with her own savings, even loaned some to her husband until he was finally stable enough to so on their own. As far as I know, they’re living happily.

  22. I live in TX! Mashallah man May Allah bless their marriage ameen. Being honest though the vibe here is looking like it would be impossible to find a woman here who agrees to such a situation so the only options are marry back home or remain single for 5 more years.

  23. Wait until residency to get married. Start looking during your third year and get engaged in the fourth. Marry right after graduation and by then you'll have an income to support her and yourself.

  24. Kinda off topic but y don’t u try to fast Monday and Thursdays as they help control your desires and I think you should read more abt the rewards and significance of it

  25. Been doing it already, didnt really help with libido to be quite honest. Regardless, fasting is a very good deed that I highly recommend. It does wonders for your deen and will weigh very heavy on the scales on day of judgement

  26. My opinion on this broader issue is, your generation seem to eager to get married. That's both sexes too, not just the men.

  27. Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If someone proposes marriage to you whose religion and character satisfies you, then you should accept it. If you do not do so, there will be trials on the earth and the spread of corruption.”

  28. A lot of other comments have been saying this already so I’ll keep it short. You won’t be finding a woman who wants to be a house wife but will also pick up a full time job. Also, don’t expect your wife to be energized and not drained after looking after the children and home all day. Being a house wife is basically a full time job and can be extremely draining

  29. I’m curious how would the living situation be for you and your wife while you’re in med school? What’s your plan if you do find someone who fits what you’re looking for?

  30. In a perfect world; Either we live at our parents houses, or we stay with one another. For example, I could spend a few weeks at her house and her at mine if she’s ok with that. I can’t speak about her situation but my house is pretty big and I have no brothers so she can freely walk without hijab and dress however she wants. Plus I have 2 large bedrooms and a bathroom to myself. we could live in one bedroom and convert the other to a living room only for us two.

  31. I'll give you a dad's perspective. I have no problem if when my daughter is 18 she marries an 18 year old with no income but with ambition. At 23 though if you can't stand in your own two feet I would be hesitant. A fully grown man needs to be able to be a provider imho.

  32. That's not totally fair imo, wouldn't you as a dad be able to recognize this brother as also having "ambition" - it's not like he can fast-forward med school.

  33. Like I mentioned the only things I’m very strict on are 3; her dressing modesty, her not displaying her beauty to strangers online, and I have a preference for a housewife

  34. Brother, honestly, I wish I could be at your point (Allahu a'lam I might be, but if someone offered me the security you now have, I would sign it immediately).

  35. First, get off Reddit as it is a place of hypocrisy. A sister can say the exact same thing but with the genders reversed and it would be fine.

  36. Ironic that “TheIslamicAccount” would think that a woman desiring a financially stable husband a hypocrite when Islam literally deems the ideal husband to be the provider

  37. I’m so confused by this advice, a woman from overseas is the worst option for someone like OP for multiple reasons.

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