Do good looking Aspies have it much easier?

  1. While autistic people tend to be at a social disadvantage with nts, pretty much every nt is weird to be more forgiving of odd behaviors if the person is attractive. What you are going through sounds super fucked up tho I don't know what part of the world you are from or if you are actually ugly or just ungroomed but Jesus fucking Christ that's not ok I don't blame you for wanting surgery if people are trying to kill you for you looks. Please do all you can to stay alive

  2. Disagree. Society has made me take on the role as the dumb blonde. People see me as stupid and strange but I'm stereotyped a dumb woman.

  3. Probably? Good looking people who's on the spectrum tend to get their symptoms dismissed though. Always labelled shy and quirky. I'm okay looking and always quiet at college. This dude notices and he was like "why are you so quiet? Do you like me?" Never spent time with those group of people anymore. It's annoying when people always mention to the group how quiet you are because I'm actually semi-verbal under stress. But like the other's say ,generally it's always slightly better for good looking people, even NTs. It shouldn't be that way,though :|

  4. Good looking autistic here. Some things easier, some things harder. Lots of sexual abuse, lots of being hated for not reciprocating romantic interest in people. You'd be surprised how many people think they're just entitled to your body because they like the look of you.

  5. For sure we all face hardships and I think it's stupid to disregard someone's life bc they're more attractive

  6. I think so because tbh I got by in my teens on being a cute skinny white girl who liked nerdy stuff, and had no idea that I did, until I got older and it stopped. And (being late diagnosed) I had no idea that my social skills were abysmal until I stopped being able to get by on my looks.

  7. I think also the older you get the less forgiving people around you are for lack of social skills. Even if your physically attractive in your 30s it doesn't work as well because people expect more from you.

  8. This is an interesting one for me because growing up I was bullied a lot for being a short, fat, fuzzy awkward kid. Got beat up, harassed, people called me things like "teddy bear" and "pikachu" all throughout my schooling. Around age 17 I had what people call a "glow up" and grew several inches taller and thinned out in the process. I found a fashion sense that suits me well around that time as well. People tell me I'm attractive fairly often these days but my attitude problem from past trauma makes like just as hard. My problems have definitely changed shape over the years, as have I.

  9. Without boasting, I have often been told that I was rather handsome as a man. And yet, it never particularly favored me because like you, I'm the opposite of the cool guy, my personality is boring.

  10. It's near always better to be good looking. Attractive people legitimately just get treated better I think. I've been told I'm attractive throughout my life and have also been told I'm rude my entire life. That however has never been an issue with most people because I'm cute. I've been able to practice socializing far easier than I assume less attractive people can.

  11. I can’t say for sure, I’m not diagnosed but do have traits. I’ve been told I’m handsome and good looking. To be honest, I was always jealous of my brother, because he is attractive and was always part of the popular group. Not to mention, I was born in a female body, and I identify as male, so I was jealous that he was also a biological male and received more attention.

  12. I can't answer your question specifically, but I can say age doesn't make it easier. I was dismissed as quirky when I was young, and i could generally get what i wanted. I even had a few friends. But people have little patience for a middle age autistic guy. We're seen as creepy and people bully us. At least that's my experience. Some people claim it gets easier. Though I think they usually have a spouse and support network.

  13. There are obviously positives, but there are many negatives that people don't like to acknowledge, too — because everyone wants to be attractive, so why do they get to complain?

  14. As attractive/beautiful people tend to be relatively more successful, I’d imagine it would make it easier on a aspi

  15. I'm not sure though, because unless the person can turn it around somehow and use it for a positive outcome, like influencing the general public to be better people (more thoughtful towards others, animals, and the environment, being a positive role-model for younger people, etc.) then I think it might be more difficult being a good-looking Aspie or Neurodivergent person.

  16. I can pass for at least an above average attractive male. Its a mixed bag, I used to be able to get dates in my 20s and had a few longer relationships but they died of apathy or my partner going off with someone who was more confident. In my 30s I’ve dated less and all I seem to encounter are gold diggers. Its been more helpful in the work place since I get preferentially hired by female managers, so its managed to be helpful.

  17. I was good looking, it made it easier for sure. I don't look like I have it, so I can't have it, right? I guess there are ups and downs but 100% anyone telling you being better than average looking doesn't help is talking out of their ass.

  18. No, because of the cognitive dissonance it creates. People who don’t know me think I am genius smart and/or ultra confident. That causes intimidation or envy. You don’t receive any support ever, no one approaches you ever, and when you act weird they seem extra put off. I put so much effort into relationships of different kinds which was well received at the time, but once i stopped, they stopped.

  19. Not always - someone above mentioned that the stereotype about successful women is that they slept their way into a role

  20. Female here. In middle school i was treated like absolute crap, i was bullied and made fun of and avoided because of my differences and my looks. In high school i became attractive, and sometimes i feel like i get really good treatment. When you’re a cute female who’s seen a shy anxious and weird, i found that i’ve been treated with nothing but kindness by my peers, i received lots of compliments from other students and well as teachers. I’m not very good at masking, it can be apparent at time that i’m different from everyone else, and that’s why i’m treated with respect

  21. I think beauty is subjective honestly, while I consider myself absolutely hideous, and I’ve been told I’m ugly multiple times, though, for every few to tell me I’m ugly, is a few to tell me the opposite, I would never go around and claim to be attractive obviously, but I feel it’s kind of a standard set by society, and not everyone thinks the same person is beautiful. Don’t worry about what anyone thinks about you OP, trust me, I’ve spent so much time just waiting for it to happen, when it does happen, I don’t even care anymore. I think to myself that it’s lame when people use their energy to degrade me, like they’re literally using their time living to attempt and make me feel worse about myself, why give them what they want?

  22. Good looking people have it much easier in general IMO, asipes or not. People tend to attribute positive qualities to attractive people, which in turn can cause more average-looking people to treat attractive people better.

  23. not to be arrogant, but it hasn't helped me much. Still difficulty linking with romantic partners, bullied for being a weirdo instead.

  24. I’m going to be honest as a (moderately) attractive aspie…people are pretty forgiving of my bluntness, rudeness, and general ineptitude with social cues/situations. I don’t have many close friends, I think probably because it’s very difficult to get close to me, but people who don’t know me well seem to like me. That doesn’t mean I haven’t also faced a lot of intense or dangerous situations, and a lot of the time people see how I look and ignore my behavior and personality because they want to use me for sex. Sometimes those people are actually really terrible people, and I often can’t tell the difference between horrible people and …like, less horrible people…because I have Asperger’s and just do not understand people at all.

  25. First of all I hope you speak to a therapist because the background that prompted this question is something that needs to be examined individually from the question. I’m sorry this happens to you.

  26. There's a lot of good looking people (especially attractive women) that get away with having really horrible or boring personalities. So i'd say yes, more attractive apsies will have it easier, but it's like a hard question with a lot of nuance.

  27. Are you strong? Or do you at least look strong? That could be a reason they never bothered you. Either that or you're just very good at fading into the background.

  28. Yes and no, ive always been interested about makeup and clothes so i tried to be good looking when i was younger, the thing is my inner personnality was nothing like my appearance. And because i couldnt be like others, i began to change my personnality too. No ones could have known i was autistic, i created a whole character to fit in a group. And it helped and it doesnt because even tho i was "good looking" i still got bullied at school, and got a lot of problems and trauma but does it happends because i was autistic ? I dont know tbh, but maybe if I wasnt asperger all those thing wouldnt have happend too because i wouldnt have tried to be "good looking" to fit with those people. Anyway, now im older i keep doing all the character thing, i read many books about humans, "manipulation" and influence, so its like i dont try to be good looking anymore but to use my look to my advantage. And this works well, there is no bully anymore, i dont attract creep and bad guys. And my "good looking" appearance is well created so I can just use all the benefit of being "pretty" for other. I totally understand your choices and tbh if you cant gain anything from your look maybe yes try surgeries. As an autistic person you have to try ur best to fit in the society because society never gonna be adapted to us !! We have to change urself or we gonna get hurt for being naturaly ugly for certain ppl, and weird at the same times. If you can manipulate your look as i did it can change ur life but you have to understand which look is the best in this society ! Being good looking isnt enough and you still suffer from being good looking in the wrong ways (by exemple : gothic people dress like that because they want to be good looking but instead they just creat a bigger gap between them and other people, so they get bullied and stuff) i hope you can understand my way of thinking, im not trying to be rude but just survive and help other to SURVIVE in this HORRIBLE SOCIETY

  29. I’m a pretty good looking man and fit the tall, dark, handsome stereotype. On the plus side, I’ve had luck with some seriously attractive women, but that attention usually doesn’t last long though (since they’re so astute to pick up on things like confidence, status, etc.) Tons of attention from other men, which often borderlines on harassment (not to perpetuate any stereotypes).

  30. I've been attacked, shunned, publically humiliated, date raped TWICE, had my 7 year career destroyed at one company, relationships and friendships ruined, picked on, shunned, you name it, the works.

  31. This is going to be very hard to hear but they may have only told you that as a cope, unfortunately. I was bullied severely by my family and peers at school and even the teachers. As soon as I started investing in my looks my life did a 180 and suddenly everyone was nice to me even my family was nicer to me, and the Asperger traits become quirky and cute all of a sudden. The down side being to all of this is that you feel worthless if you wake up looking terrible without your hair done or if you have nothing nice to wear. The thing is it doesn't matter what your starting point is, you can wear nice clothes, understand what type of clothes fit you, go to the gym, get a skincare routine, a flattering haircut and personal sense of style from authentic interests. The one benefit of ASD is that you realise that the rat race isn't working for you long before you have a midlife crises at 49 after having done the house and the job and the wife. You're able to do what you genuinely want to do and behave as you want to and there are rare people that will see you as irreplaceable because of that.

  32. Being good looking also has some lesser disadvantages too- I was groomed into all sorts of things when I was 18-26. Had no idea I was on the spectrum until a few months ago, now a lot of pieces of the puzzle are coming together and it’s been an interesting journey to understand it.

  33. Female here. I personally think I'm just average but most people disagree but assuming they are right, this is my experience:

  34. no it’s not easy. people think i get a lot of women then realize i dont and treat me like the plague. ive had a few girlfriends but all of them feel like flukes. it’s part of the reason i dont really even try to make friends, i dont want them to know i basically go home and stay in my room most of the time.

  35. What do mean by easier? Like I for example never had issues getting dates etc never even had to try tbh always just kind of happened, was never bullied for my looks or treated like a creep, I got away with a lot of stupid stuff I guess… but not really sure what you mean by easier…

  36. I have been told that I look pretty good but I still fail, I mamaged once but it was just sex and over cause I didnt like it and want more. Then again I dont have any clue what to write in dating app bios or what to say when I get matches so I either write nothing or try to go about what they show on their pictures. Which honestly has worked 0x so far and I am about to just give up on it cause damn is it frustrating.

  37. Attractive people have an advantage in general, but I don't think that advantage is more for autistic people than it is for NTs

  38. Well I guess you can say that being attractive is subjective, just like music. As the old saying goes, there's a lid for every pot. Unless you're a Kardashian, it's what's inside that counts, or what should count.

  39. I find being attractive means people generally treat me nicer and since working on fitness I feel like people are lot more forgiving of the weirdness though the lack of eye contact still puts people off.

  40. Yes, but as AFAB, there is the other side of that benefit which includes being taken advantage of, specifically sexually, and being manipulated/coerced into doing you things you didn't want. I've had men perving on me since I was 12, but it was so normalized back then, really.

  41. In some ways I'm sure. In other ways it makes me a target. People who are assholes will still usually be assholes though, might just take an extra minute.

  42. I've become attractive in my late twenties, and I find the difference overwhelming and directly proportional. If I dress better, or spend more time in the gym, I get even better treatment.

  43. I’m good looking enough to get my foot in the door in a lot of scenarios when I was younger but nothing ever lasted. Things always got awkward somewhere. I found a ND girlfriend though who’s great now.

  44. Being attractive absolutely comes with benefits, but as a child I was also severely abused for it, too. No one comes out of this life unscathed.

  45. Exercise and self-care can help a lot with self confidence. It puts more things in your control. I'm sorry you've had these experiences. "Beauty is skin deep" and anyone worth knowing will look past your appearance once they get to know you. You can't control the judgments of other people but you can be kind and prove them wrong.

  46. As an attractive aspie, I feel people let some of my behaviors slide compared to some of the stories I read on here. Trust me, I still have lots of issues, but it's like they're more inclined to give me a chance since I'm conventionally attractive.

  47. I would say I'm fairly good looking but it seems like a wasted asset, like I'm nice to look at but that's about it for most people. I don't know how to actually take advantage of my looks and as someone who grew up not so pretty (or handsome I should say), having been bullied so much, I'm not even always aware of it myself. Very hard for me to see what others see though, I'm constantly too self aware and self conscious

  48. I'm an "above average looking" aspie, and I've noticed some benefits along with many cons. First things first, surgery will not fix your issues. The only thing my looks have gotten me is the occasional ego boost. Conventionally attractive or not I'm still autistic, and i feel that people find it very off-putting if you're attractive and have no social skills whatsoever. I've had plenty of people show interest in me, then after talking for a while I end up doing something to scare/put them off. Also, if you're attractive people are less likely to call you out on your shit. I was only able to realize I was autistic last year because nobody told me how awkward/dysfunctional/weird I was, they were too scared/intimidated.

  49. Most definitely but that goes for almost anyone who’s good looking. I was also socialized a lot better than other aspies I know so people don’t even know I am most of the time but that’s also because I keep everyone at arms length so I don’t ruin their perception of me with my cringe.

  50. I’m tall, in good shape and I’ve been told I’m handsome by a few people so I guess I count as a “good looking aspie”. Never got bullied all that much growing up but I’ve still had issues with people cause of my looks. For one people expect you to be really charming, cool etc if you’re good looking. People quickly realize I’m none of those things so they ignore me. Sexual harassment has also been an issue. I’ve had multiple girls smack my ass or make unwanted advances toward me, which I’m usually too awkward to say anything about so I end up suffering in silence. Especially since if i did say anything about it most people would just brush it off since I’m a guy. I guess no matter how you look you can still suffer one way or another

  51. Yes. My brother and I are both aspies. He is conventionally attractive. I am medium ugly. Like you wouldn't recoil at the sight of me, but you wouldn't ever hear anyone say "wow that's a sexy man" ever. He has always had a very easy time fitting in even though, behaviorally speaking, he is much less socially aware/adept than I am. He never had to learn the hard way about boundaries, picking up on subtle changes in body language or tone because although he is kind of an asshole most of the time, people generally WANT to be liked by HIM. Bc he is attractive. It might sound like I'm bitter but I am not bitter about this :)

  52. In general, ppl do treat you better when you're better looking. I've seen mistakes be forgiven a lot when I'm more out together. When I don't have my makeup on or my hair is not as nice, ppl would treat me less better. This goes for ND or not.

  53. I do not have it easier. Somehow people can smell that I’m different and I constantly have at least 1 bully on my tail. I had 3 bullies at my old job. I have 3 bullies at my gym. I avoid eye contact or even speaking to those people.

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