Say the NFL comes up with a new rule that each team must add a thematic feature to their stadium to match Tampa Bay's pirate ship. What does each team add?

A replica of the Casa Bonita fountain.

Still can’t believe that place is real. From the name to the concept, I was so sure it was made up by South Park.

I was gonna say Blucifer moves to Mile High

Namaste.

I was gonna say a huge, fire breathing version of Bluecifer.

They should just relocate Blucifer to the stadium

Actually, looks like the new feature in the Broncos stadium will be...a Walmart, maybe one with a McDonalds.

The Giants put up a medium size pepsi.

God I love this meme won’t die. Fuck you Mara.

A 100-foot tall medium Pepsi.

Big ol’ giant bird’s nest with egg chairs people can sit in. Some point midway through the season the whole thing collapses and all the fans fall into a Pit of Despair below.

Or just a giant canyon of some sort for us to fall into.

Wild bears at soldier field, we need every advantage we can get

This reminds me of an argument I had with friends back at the peak of Devin Hester: could he score from the opposite goal line with no blockers if the only defender was a bear at midfield.

Before each possession, the opponent's ball, and only the opponent's ball, is dipped in Portillo's juice.

How does having a bunch of wild, big hairy gay man running around give the bears an advantage?

You guys were the ones who chose to let Akiem Hicks go

Cracked actually looked at this:

Jerry is going to spend 40 million on a star

Or a huge gun that goes off when the Cowboys score a touchdown

Nah, he just uses it on an even BIGGER Jumbotron

Can’t we just move Big Tex to inside our stadium instead. And it won’t be big tex. It will be Big Jerry with a cowboy hat and a bottle of JWB

An actual live star that he pulls down from space

Every Charger fan gets a complimentary taser. They all use them after a touchdown. Or in the parking lot after the game

Having them after the game would be useful during Raiders week.

How about we replace the sides of the uprights with Tesla coils that make an electricity beam thing between them? And if the kicker kicks the ball in to the electricity and the beam vaporizes it, the entire stadium goes wild?

TESLA COIL GOALPOSTS OR WE RIOT

The stadium already has plenty of phone charging stations I’m sure

100’ Tall Blucifer that shoots flames from its nostrils

Damn dude, how many stadium fires you trying to start?

Options for the Baltimore Ravens:

I don’t know why it never occurred to me that the NFL has a legit goth team with the Ravens.

Once again, the O line fleeting, The quarterback takes a beating, Defensive players eyeing hungrily the wild pass upon the end zone door.

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;

A gigantic pendulum hanging from the center of the ceiling that swings between the endzones just over head height.

Random seat vibration to mimic a heart beat

I was thinking a 50ft tall Snoop…with her nail gun.

Giant can of Old Bay that explodes all over every time we score.

I was thinking Hitchcockian corvids centred on the opposition benches, but obviously I'm not familiar enough with how fucked up Poe could be.

Just put a cemetery in and call it a day

Holy shit, I only just now realised that Baltimore Ravens is a Poe reference.

Make the area have real jungle plants instead of jungle print on the walls of the field

With a real life tiger in

I feel like a Harambe statue would belong too

A replica of Tampa Bay's pirate ship

I also choose Tampa’s pirate ship

I was thinking maybe a TSA screening checkpoint from inside an airport. It's fun and functional.

We need an actual Jet engine that starts up and drowns out all noise in the stadium every time we do anything.

The Commanders put up a big wall with holes for Dan Snyder to peep at cheerleaders

Don't forget leaky sewage pipes everywhere

Porky's themed shower setup.

There are actual raiders outside in the Vegas heat, randomly sacking and pillaging tailgaters...

Yes but what would you guys add?

Only if it’s Mad Max themed…cause ya know…desert

A giant wheel of Cheese, that is replaced each week. Each fan gets a cut of the block upon entrance.

This actually makes the most logical sense out of anything in this thread.

President Andrew Jackson has entered the chat.

An aquarium

It would be cool to put a giant tank in the back of one of the end zones and you can keep a dolphin in it. Then name it snowflake and teach it kick field goals

Why do you care about Snowflake?

Careful. Someone may steal your dolphin

Giant glass field with the aquarium underneath? Imagine trying to play football with sharks and shit swimming around underneath you

For those unaware they actually kept their mascot, Flipper, in a tank near the end zone in the Orange Bowl back in the late 60s.

An owner's suite for Aaron Rodgers.

Brother I applaud you have another sahsich

Goddamn, insulted his own team and the rival QB. Efficiency at its finest.

The NFC North shit-talking never takes a day off.

Ouch

Absolutely brilliant

Counterpoint: it needs to be huge to fit his massive ego.

I’ve never laughed so hard on NFL

Ohhhh self burn. Those are rare.

murdersuicidebywords

The raiders have the Al Davis torch at allegiant stadium now. But when the raiders and chargers were trying to build a stadium together in Carson California. That same concept of the torch was gonna be in the stadium. But it was gonna shoot lighting bolts for the chargers games. Not sure what it was gonna be for the raiders if anything. Or if they took the chargers idea and brought it to Allegiant to make it into the torch.

They had an Al torch at the coliseum pre-move, and it was actual flames instead of a light-up flame. Wasn't as big though.

Ya'll need a giant tesla coil shooting of sparks.

Texans add a whataburger

Why isn't there one at NRG?

Nothing, we can be a glue factory.

Does the anvil count?

The way QBs have been ending their careers there, y’all kinda already are…

Put a corn field in the stadium

Horseshoe shaped field goal posts

i think they should install a horse track around the field and just run horse races constantly during the game

We're getting a robot Lion with Dan Campbells face

So like a Dan Campbell Sphinx?

That sounds like a MNF graphic on ESPN

A lion-themed Robocop seems appropriate.

Katy Perry has a big old lion from the Super Bowl just lying around, should ask her for it!

I was going to say MCDC gets his wish of a full grown lion on a big ass chain just walking around Ford Field

AFC South:

Photoshop that shit up and put it in

And it should have a little Derek Henry swimming in the water doing everything he can to keep it a float.

You win

Man I was ready for the homerism but this was expertly delivered.

LO fucking L

Bruhhh

This is great…. And I hate myself for applauding a titans fan 👀🤢🤣

I guess its reddiquette to comment below.

This guy Titans

A giant cathedral façade (that dispenses liquor).

Either that or a Mardi Gras Float. Either one sound hella cool.

Free drinks for minors, classic

I like it. Maybe turn the entrance tunnel into a giant popemobile.

What about a giant Church organ that’s actually operational? That could be pretty baller

We steal

A tank of fish that actual Osprey aka Seahawks are released upon to swoop down and pluck fish from after a touchdown is scored.

I scrolled and scrolled looking for Seattle knowing this wouldn't be easy.

A 60 ft tall animatronic drunken yinzer

I was thinking steel beams that clang together like Newton balls, but this is better

A bridge over the stadium from one end to the other for the fans but it’s absolutely fucking terrifying to cross and appears dilapidated.

Can it be UrinatingTree? He kinda looks like Ben

I was thinking a pierogi race

Im surprised the Steelers dont have some giant bottle of heinz ketchup scoreboard or something along those lines lol

He just shouts pick em up and put em dahn

Stiller Touchdown dunks him in a tub of Heinz ketchup like a county fair game

i was thinking a giant bowl of eat n park potato soup

I don't want to play this game

Maybe keep the name, make it firefighter themed. The arrow becomes the shape of a firefighter hat, the whole axe-chop thing you do stays, since firefighters use axes, Andy is still big red, but like, a fire truck. And also, Andy poses for all 12 months of a fireman’s calendar.

Who are the Chefs?

We have a drum

Oh yeah, this wouldn't end well for you guys. Didn't think about that

A Master Chief statue?

A gigantic Santa Claus that throws snowballs at fans .

A giant Cheesesteak that fires D-cell batteries at railgun speed.

Not gonna lie, a huge eagle's nest with a giant, animatronic eagle that screeches and has glowing red eyes would be pretty cool.

Falcons don’t do anything. Our roof already looks like a butthole which is perfect because we are total ass

well we already have a metal fountain outside

We could pipe in crowd noise!

We already have a lighthouse, a foghorn, and literal armed minutemen. What more do you want, a literal fort?

A giant pool that some someone throws a crate of tea into after every turnover.

No we need a troop of drunken townies who still talk about high school.

Just a huge pile of couch cushions and blankets so everyone can build their own fort

Have the minutemen fight some red coats at midfield during halftime

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Cleveland puts massage tables

And Buffalo fans suplex each other through them.

Just a giant Megan’s Law poster

For the Bills, the new stadium wouldn't have a dome it would have a giant folding table over it for cover

It can double as an arena for our new professional beer pong team.

Cinci should have a giant Harambe

80 foot tall Bill Belichick statue, but with a Lombardi trophy as his dong.

On non- game days it snorts and says “harrumph” every hour.

When the Pats score a TD block a field goal: full erection

A dunk tank into a large can of Miller Lite

Beer cheese soup made from miller lite.

We already have a Vikings ship in front of the stadium, a giant gjallarhorn inside, and this last year they added snowmachines to make it snow indoors during games.

Plus our stadium is kinda shaped like a ship

Vikasaurus Rex used to drag an effigy of Favre behind his four wheeler in the early 00s. Something that I doubt would fly in this era.

Replace the whole field with an okra patch.

A functional ford motor factory plant with do-it-yourself manual labor (it's part of the experience)

I think we should up the ante. Turn the entire Raymond James Stadium into a Titanic-sized boat. Flood Tampa Bay so the stadium floats. Get a giant laser mounted onto the outside of the stadium boat. Destroy Alderaan.

If the Bucs want to keep being called the "Tampa Bay Buccaneers we need to build a floating sports complex in the bay.

We already did that when we set our sideline on fire back in 2019.

A giant Chicken Wing extension. A vote will take place whether it be a drum or a flat.

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A giant suspended crucifix would be pretty dope as well.

I remember when Miami had an actual dolphin, he got stolen and then hired this pet detective guy to find it. Turned out it was someone high up in the police. Guess they thought it wasnt worth it again.

I saw the documentary on that.

An empty section where the jobs used to be

The Giants errect a giant mechanical football player that looms over the entire stadium, watching over the players and fans like we might observe a group of insignificant ants...and maybe it breathes fire when they score a touchdown or something

A jet obviously.

The field should be painted as a runway

Just point it away from the Manhattan skyline, or the jokes will write themselves

Washington will get a comically sized bucket like they used on Nickelodian for slimetime live. The stadiums restrooms will drain straight into the bucket. Every Washington turnover the bucket will dump on the fans in the section below. Fans purchasing tickets in that section must pay an extra surcharge for the privilege.

Also any other normal seats can only be purchased by the visiting fanbases.

Heinz field removes all decoration/insulation/dry wall and just leaves the steel beams

Free bow and arrow day

A live Panther on a leash behind the visiting bench

I'd rather have a castle for Sir Purr.

A charging station where everyone can plug their phones in

a smaller, more lightning based version of whatever the Rams do

A giant L

The ugly truth and slavery of the gold mining rush of California.

Was reading recently about early Chinese Americans during the gold rush and how one dude made himself crazy wealthy by offering free laundry service to miners and collecting the gold dust out of the wash water.

Followed by...banning all Chinese people from the stadium?

that would be a very San Francisco thing to do

I would’ve guessed a giant pile of gold, but as this is more like if the prompt was about having the Buccaneers actually rape and murder people.

I was thinking a giant mine shaft located by the opponents bench that random players could fall down and never be heard from again.

There's a half-dug train tunnel somewhere, and every time the Niners score, it explodes and a bunch of fake workers' limbs go flying

This reads like a Cards Against Humanity answer

A big tube that shoots gold coins?

There's gold nuggets hidden in the field and if a player finds it, they can keep it.

A giant statue of Pancho Billa for buffalo

Browns add a massage parlor

A giant cheese head.

Just replace the grass at Lambeau with cheese, at this point

The only way the Packers play under a dome at home, it has to be a giant cheese head dome.

That dispenses curds.

I have written many letters to Amy Adams Strunk requesting we replace T-Rac with a 100 foot tall mechanical Greek Titan that spits fire and steps indiscriminately throughout the sidelines. When it's not flamethrowing or crushing various people, it's screaming shit in Greek like"Καλά, ευχαριστώ", which means "I'm fine, thank you".

Congress

Lil' Sebastian

A medium Pepsi

This doesn't really count, but the Ravens did this thing once where they had some giant augmented reality raven appear on the jumbotron and fly down and land on top of the crossbar of the field goal post. The thing was massive like some kinda kaiju.

Uhhhhhhhh this might not be a great idea for certain teams not naming names

Yeah, animal rights groups would throw a fit if the Dolphins put live dolphins in the stadium