Is it common for people raised by narcissists to fear marrying or having children?

  1. This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.

  2. Yup. I had two batshit, narcissistic parents and I thought getting married was a trap. In some cases I still think it’s highly unnecessary and not useful to a relationship. I also never wanted kids because I saw how my mother always felt burdened with us and only had us because @thats what you’re supposed to do”.

  3. yes...i think its a loss of control thing...i cud never imagine being in the military either...after being micro managed by a control freak i cant see voluntarily surrendering my freedom...

  4. I served to get away from my ndad as a teenager. It was tough. And I had my challenges dealing with that level of authority. But, in my experience, the military was far more forgiving than my ndad ever was.

  5. I'm just afraid of everything. In my mid-30s and have never been in a relationship because I am scared. Sometimes I try to put myself out there but the fear pulls me back in. Won't ever have kids I think because I'm afraid that I will inadvertently mess them up. I don't ever want potential children to suffer half as much as I did

  6. I only fear it because of shame. I was shamed 24/7 for anything and everything that I liked so the fear of shame is still there. Then theres the guilt after the shame because I was made to feel guilty for doing things that I liked and wanted to do. Nmom took everything that I like to do as a threat against her and back then I didnt understand this which is why I still have issues being open with who I really am

  7. My parents always made it seem like we where such a burden I couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to become a parent. Now I’m 45 and I’ve seen many friends become parents and I still don’t see the appeal at all. Kids are one of the only choices in life you can’t take back. Marriage isn’t the same, you can take that back if you need to. Not having kids and being married is the best.

  8. I’m afraid that I’ll screw up and hurt the other person. I don’t trust myself to be a good spouse or parent. It’s a different dynamic with a similar result.

  9. my grandmother was reunited with her childhood sweetheart at age 76. They have been together happily for 6 years. my great-grandmother married over 80 years of age. I don't think there is an age to fall in love and marry.

  10. I'm 33 as well. I want and have always and craved to be married and to be a mother. I want to experience mutual and a person I fit with and can trust.

  11. 34, my ship has also sailed, however, I've never had the desire to have kids. I would like to be married, but I think it's too late for me now.

  12. Just so you know, it’s not too late. My stepmom got married for the first time to my dad at 45. They’re very happy.

  13. You have so much more life to live, though!! I thought your 30s is when you really start coming into yourself.

  14. Yup, the idea of having a child and putting them through what I went through while growing up was not something I wanted to put someone else through. The part about marriage also didn't come to me as something I wanted, probably because what I had been taught Love was, was beating your children and causing extreme pain, and forcing their extreme discipline and huge punishment, so that never really appealed to me either.

  15. I was the standard 20 something narcissist who was deathly afraid of commitment and accountability. Thought because I was raised to be selfish and self serving that I was too selfish to be a good partner or parent. Through the support and patience of my amazing now wife, I was able to grow beyond my Peter Pan syndrome. Turns out my narcissist parents were to blame and I had some therapy and work to do on myself in order to end the generational cycles of abuse. Turns out I’m actually much more selfless than I thought. Marriage and parenthood although big life steps, that are not for everyone, have been monumental in forcing me to look inward and evolve my understanding of myself and my relationship with others and the world at large. Self awareness is the first step, then therapy, once you’re all sorted out for yourself, you’ll be surprised at what you feel like you’re capable of and where you’ll find happiness and fulfillment.

  16. The more confident I have become that I understand my RBN past and how my Nmom sucked the joy out of my life, the more I understand that kids don't have to be a burden, they can be a source of wonder and love and joy. And a source of satisfaction that I can help support them become an independent being, not a burden responsibility for me to create the perfect kid. It is too bad that I figured all of that out too late -- I was married, but never confident enough to have kids.

  17. I don’t want to get married, this statement upsets my live-in boyfriend very much, but he said at least I’m honest.. my parents divorced when I was 14 then remarried when I was 16 then divorced violently when I was 22. To me marriage just seems like a trap. If I can be with someone I love then why worry about marriage.

  18. In my personal experience, this has not been the case. I, and several of my friends who have abusive parents, very much wanted a partner and children. The partner has been harder for us to find, but some of us just took the children part into our own hands and used sperm donors.

  19. I am still young, but I am afraid of relationships, thinking that I will become someone like my mother. I do not want to be the parent who hits her child or shames. I do not know how can I peacefully have a husband and provide peaceful environment for my children. I do not want them to experience the loneliness I did. Even though I went to therapy, even though I tried to change, I fear these tendencies may burst and hurt my child.

  20. My parents always tell me how they wish the never had children, so I’ve come to hate children and never want any

  21. I feel like there might be some fear, yes, in repeating patterns, for example. I admit I'm too tired to actually be thinking of caring for someone who depends on me to the level a child might need.

  22. I do want kids. But honestly, it’s taken me some time and healing to figure out whether I wanted kids or whether I thought I wanted kids to fulfill nmom’s expectations.

  23. Not only is this a very common fear, I think, to some extent, it's a healthy fear. You're recognizing the narcs behavior is toxic and is what you don't want to be, and that realization alone will protect you.

  24. Before I went no contact with my Nmom I told her this "the main reason why I will never think of having kids cause I'm afraid I would turned out to be a shitty mom like u cause I saw my sister become one !! And I know for a fact that one day her daughter will tell her exactly what I just told u"

  25. I feel the same way. I am still pretty young, but the thought of getting married or having kids just gives me so much anxiety. My parents barely spend time together and seem to barely know each other or stand each other at times. My Nsister and her husband are always yelling and arguing and they never truly seem happy with each other. Unfortunately these are the only two relationships I have been able to really see and if that is all I have to look forward to, then No thanks. Also, both Nparents and my Nsister have had jobs in the childcare field, and they always make it seem so hard and that it is the worst thing. I am terrified of passing on my trauma to my kids and I feel like I just don’t have the motherly attitude or the patience to be a good parent, so I doubt I will give have and. Blood related children. I always console myself and say I can always adopt or foster a child when I get older, but peoples say I will regret not having kids. Idk but it is a hard decision to make when so much of modern culture revolves around getting married and having kids

  26. I didn't fear getting married... I married a man I trust implicitly and was friends with for years before we ever became involved romantically. We're still married 25 years later. I will say that for reasons OTHER than my upbringing that I not only won't ever get married again should something happen to DH, looking back if I had to do it all over again, I likely wouldn't get legally married in the first place.

  27. Well yeah it makes sense. Also unless your partners parents are healthy and supportive, then you don’t have any good support on your side to help with kids or your own personal care either.

  28. Yes, very common. There is the fear of marrying another narc, because that is what you are accustomed to and so feel comfortable with. And then there is the fear of raising your children the way you were raised, continuing the cycle. These are legitimate fears. You have to pay attention to them.

  29. It distresses me to think of getting married. I saw my parents' marriage and also that of my uncles. they were negative and conflictive relationships. As a child, she did not consider having a partner, just starting a family alone. I wasn't sure I was able to trust any man enough to give him my heart. fortunately I met a great, kind and loving man who is also my best friend. Still, the idea of ​​getting married is something that really scares me. You can meet someone you trust, do not give up having a partner and love if it is what you really want.

  30. I used to feel this way, anything that would tie me down to another person scared me to death. For the first time in my life I'm in a non-trauma bonded, healthy relationship and I can't wait for us to get married and have kids.

  31. Yes, for the longest time I didn’t want to get married because the examples of it in my life were so negative. Didn’t want to have kids either, in case they suffered the way I did. FWIW, I’m 42F now, and I’m happily married to a deeply kind and loving person and have two kids. My time with them have been so healing <3.

  32. I'd say it's a normal reaction. In my case, I've suffered plenty at her words and dramas that I am in no hurry to open up to a other person before a looong time.

  33. It’s definitely soured any possible desire to want to marry someone. My whole life was controlled by a narcissist. I don’t feel comfortable giving control up anymore—especially under a legal contract.

  34. I justify my childhood by thinking My Ndad attempted to relive his childhood with reversed roles through my Nbrother (gc) and I (scapegoat), even going as far as to call me by his sisters name as he beat me. (years later when I found out I have an aunt, it all made sense in my head) I’m terrified of having a son because I don’t want to repeat the cycle. I’m also terrified of having a son because my Sometimes, seeing young/adolescent boys get aggressive triggers me, my Nbrother attempted to kill me several times and frequently abused/hospitalized my mother as well. Married and expecting my first, praying it’s a girl

  35. I'm in my late 40s now and have decided to adopt -- because it took a loooooong time for me to feel safe having children. I was terrified I would turn out like my nmother, and do to a child what she'd done to me. I didn't want to, just thought since that was the only way I knew how to parent, it was inevitable. So I used 2, 3 methods of birth control all the time, etc.

  36. I’m in my mid-thirties, married and would like to have kids. If we should have kids, I do get nervous though thinking about how my dad will treat our kids if he can’t accept my boundaries. It’s hard enough feeling like I parent him because he acts like a child. He’ll probably get jealous that I’m not giving him enough attention. Ughhhhhh.

  37. I remember being in grade 11 and all the girls were coming up with names for their future kids and when it was my turn I said I didn’t want any. They all gasped. I’m 35 this month not married and childless the desire to avoid both is still there

  38. The boat really hasn't sailed at all at 33! I know many people who have found someone in their 30s/40s and had kids. Seems to be more of a pattern now actually! I don't think it's as out-of-the-ordinary as it seems. In fact, most people I know who got married in their 20s are divorced now. Not all of course. Also, I've found this really helpful - average age of marriage across different countries in Europe. You can see it's all over the map:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Author: admin