My fiance killed himself

  1. I am so sorry. When I was 22 my boyfriend killed himself. He was at a friends house and had a habit of drinking himself to the point that he vomited in his sleep. He knew what happened when he drank that much, it was as certain as the sun would rise in the morning. Boyfriend drank too much he vomited and needed someone to help him. He called me at like 2 in the morning to come get him. I said stop drinking, go to sleep. This wasn’t the first late night call I had gotten and I was tired of the antics...I have work in the morning. I went to work. I came home from work. I got home from work...and my sister who lived 3 hours away walked into my bedroom. I knew. I knew he was gone; for years, years I blamed myself. I didn’t heal until I met my husband. I am 35...I met my husband at 30. You are not responsible. You never were. He chose his actions, beautiful soul he may have been he still made the choice. I am sorry you are feeling this, if you need someone to talk to I am here. Don’t make the same mistake I did, heal.

  2. My dear, I am so so sorry you lost someone you loved that much. The way you lost him really really sucks! It was an accident, not something you did wrong. You have such a pure heart ❤️

  3. Thank you guys so much for all of your words of wisdom, encouragement and support. I feel seen in a way that helps. I don’t ever open up about him anymore its been so long.. after reading a few comments I’m feeling more open to going back to therapy. Thinking the unresolved issues are still lingering. I definitely wasn’t feeling like I needed to go back until now so thank you guys again. ((💓)) hugs back. -Em

  4. Im so sorry. I hope that soon you find some inner peace and rest. I hope that one day you can love another, it wont ever be the same love or maybe even close to it but not 100% what that was. We all have different loves for everyone we meet in life. Again I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you

  5. Hey, Em, there is probably nothing I can say to alleviate this tremendous load of grief. But I do know a lot about trauma, and am healing from trauma myself. If there is anything I've learned, it is that those dreams and intruding memories -- the kind you describe -- they are a part of healing. Things you didn't remember at the time, small details that still got registered somehow, come back. It is painful, almost excruciating to go through. But nevertheless, I hope there is some small peace for you in knowing that reliving those experiences in your mind and in dreams, et c., these are attempts to heal yourself. As if, an attempt to "do it differently this time." Of course, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, you could have done to stop him and his true intent to die, and you are not at fault.

  6. Hey em. I’m sorry you had to experience such a tragic loss at such a young age. Maybe speaking with a therapist again can help. I wish I could tell you it gets better but all I can do is let you know that you can always reach out

  7. I am so sorry. I cannot understand what you have been going through. I can say that you didn't do anything wrong. I hope that you know that even though you cannot see us, people around the world have read your words. You've touched my heart. May you get the healing that you deserve.

  8. I'm so sorry. Losing someone you love so hard. Just know that it is not your fault. He obviously loved you very much and wouldn't want you to blame yourself. Try to honor him in the best way you can while taking care of yourself. ❤

  9. I don’t have much to say except I hope you find the peace you need. Manic depression is hard to understand. Really hard. Especially from an external perspective. It sounds like you really love him still and cared for him in life. You’ve got me crying in bed because I’ve got a friend I care for very deeply who also suffers from manic depression. I really struggle trying to understand and properly help. It’s not your fault at all. Mental illness sucks. Fuck bipolar disorder and fuck the ways it makes people feel. I’m sure your fiancé was the sweetest person ever.

  10. This is not ur fault, don’t forget that and do not be afraid to speak about ur feelings. U both shared some beautiful memories - cherish them. I’m so sorry for ur pain. I really hope that u find your happiness.

  11. Hi Em, I am so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wonderful person. I know its really hard, but you have got to move on. Its really unfortunate what happened, but its not your fault. You had no idea of knowing that he would do something like that. Like you said, Walter was a "booster" and wanted the people around him to shine. Just like he would want you to shine and be happy now. Remember the good times, but you have got to try and move on. If therapy helped, go back and continue it. If you are seeing someone else, tell them what your experiencing. His reaction might surprise you in a good way. I'm wishing you all the best and thinking about you. Much love Em.

  12. I will pray for you I’m so so sorry this happened and also you were so young... may time heal this wound. Stay strong.

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