TIFU by asking my wife why she never wears lingerie for me

  1. Maybe your issue WAS that you didn't say anything about her body - she was relying on her own self esteem, which doesn't seem to be a strong point. I'd recommend telling her how you really feel. I've never been married though, so take this advice with a grain of salt

  2. I would like to chime in as a wife that has put on 20 or so pounds since covid started. Lockdown, unemployed, drinking and other shitty behaviour to deal with the stress, too much take out to support restaurants. Whatever the case may be, here I am now at my heaviest I've ever been.

  3. I agree with this. Take her out as if you were courting her for the first time and show her she’s still sexy and worth your attention.

  4. Yes this. And also he screams take take take so what is he giving her? Compliments on her changed body? Does he still help her look and feel sexy/confident or is he busy counting up all the non-sex days? How about help around the house, with housework and with the kids? When my stbx was complaining about being ignored in place of the kid, he made zero effort to meet me where I was at and give me support so I had the time/energy for sex with him. Nope = nope. You can’t pour from an empty bucket, my friend. Stop screaming about how alone and empty your bucket is and start putting that energy into filling her bucket in all the ways you can. What do you want to bet she’s going to find energy to connect with you when she starts feeling that?! My stbx did not figure that out in time for us and he’s deeply regretting it now 🤷🏻‍♀️ Don’t be him.

  5. As someone who was married for 17 years, it absolutely makes a difference. The realization, after a four year old girl I was serving told me I was "so pretty and beautiful"(it sticks with me that much), that my (ex)husband NEVER complimented me, for anything. Even if I went fishing for one, I got nothing. It was a factor in my decision to leave.

  6. I usually get told I need new glasses. She says she’s happy I still think she’s hot but she won’t agree. We have a good sex life most of the time but I feel like it would be even better if she let herself feel more sexy

  7. Something you may not know: Women often don't want to get rid of beautiful lingerie, even when it Does Not and Likely Never Will Fit Again. it's aspirational/nostalgic. That's not to say that it's really healthy to keep it around, but that's probably why it's there.

  8. Chiming in to add that another aspect of keeping lingerie is what else are you going to do with it? You can’t donate used panties to Goodwill like you do your clothes, and it sure feels wasteful to throw a beautiful piece of lace in the trash. So maybe you keep it in your drawer and just let it look pretty in there.

  9. THIS. Wife is angry because husband wants things back to ‘the way they were before’ and she is feeling sexual pressure and body image pressure. Tell her you love her everything, just how it is right now. Find a way to connect again, without comparing now to the past. Go on dates, get a sitter, schedule sex(not sexy sounding but it works for some people).

  10. Wait he said she had previously told him it didn't fit....so why were you questioning why she doesn't wear it for you if you already know it doesn't fit? That's risky.

  11. The fact that he thought his convos were what made her feel body insecure shows how disconnected they are. No you numbskull, she’s been feeling this way for months & that’s why she’s not initiating.

  12. This guy is terrible at communicating with his wife, when they needed to go to therapy just to get to the point that he was saying “I love you” and kissing her regularly I was like… “this guy is very lost.”

  13. This. Op’s valid for wanting to keep up with a sex life. But they way he expressed it to his wife comes off very one-sided/ selfish. And I get that he tried to talk to the wife about it but it’s hard for women to open up about their insecurities. We always wanna be seen in the best light by our partners. It’s hard to admit and accept flaws in ourselves to our partners out of fear of judgement. Open and honest communication always seems to be the hardest part in a relationship I think...

  14. To add to this, suggest to your wife that she's able to discuss insecurities without getting this upset (after you guys sort everything out). Her behaviour is equally unfair to you and both parties should recognize that so neither feels left out or lonely.

  15. I was waiting for the part where you reassured her and told her how beautiful she was. She’s practically begging for that. Build her up. Her confidence is shot and she needs you to remind her how beautiful you see her and eventually she will feel the same. Maybe yall can start going on walks with the kids for some cardio too.

  16. Yeah wtfffff she gets vulnerable and honest about her insecurities and he just continues to bitch about the lingerie and lack of sex? He needed to stop right there, realize he’s an insensitive jerk, and tell her she’s beautiful and that he loves her body. Also, he’s aware that she’s heavier now and the lingerie is old, and he never stopped to think that maybe it might not fit her anymore?! Like I have sexy lingerie from when I was thinner and I still keep it hoping to one day wear it again, but I know I would look like a stuffed sausage atm.

  17. I was waiting for any consideration of what she wanted. I get that OP wanted to get his dick wet, but passive aggressively demanding his wife be more sexy for him and whining about why doesn’t she do this For Him, doesn’t exactly display a caring and considerate partner who cares about his wife’s wants and needs. He clearly isn’t making his wife feel attractive and lived, he’s jsut guilting her for not giving him sex. And wanting sympathy for it.

  18. I feel like my husband could have wrote this post. So from a mom with similar issues, she might be touched out. Kids clinging to her in her personal space all day is hard. Her body changed a lot while pregnant. It can be really hard to come to terms with that. Seeing clothes that you used to feel beautiful in that now make you visualize yourself as the big show in his unitard is a lot to unpack. She also may feel disconnected from you because she spends so much of her energy taking care of others. She deserves to want sex too and not see it as another job she has to do. The more you pressure it, sadly, the harder it becomes not to see it as something you are failing at or something you have to do.

  19. This is your answer OP. From a mum and wife who lost her libido and is getting it back… this is your answer. Also what childbirth does to your body and your perceived self worth can be absolute destruction.

  20. Thank you for typing this out. I'm 6 months postpartum and had a necessary C-section after a rough pregnancy. I weigh more than ever and I look at my clothes in the closet right now, knowing that I have 2 pairs of pants that fit and everything clings to my post C-section pooch. I need to buy clothes but it hurts to see the sizes on the labels. I'm stuck in unflattering bras because I need nursing bras since I pump and there's no such thing as an uplifting and centering 36J nursing bra. Right now, my only time away from my child is spent working full time, driving to or from work, showering, going to the bathroom or doing chores. I don't like how I look, I don't even get spare time to myself, and I'm tired no matter how long I sleep (an issue doctors haven't been able to figure out well before my daughter came).

  21. You hit it on the head for me. I recently ended a relationship (7 years long) and we weren't having sex, nowhere near enough for him. But, after working and taking care of his kids and running the household, sex felt like just another exhausting job that, while felt good, was still fucking work and still exhausting. It was easier and less work to masturbate than it was to have sex.

  22. This! Coupled with the fact that my (ex) husband was (is) a truck driver and was gone for long periods of of time. I. Was. EXHAUSTED! New mom of two children under 3, ADHD and later thyroidectomy, I felt like he wanted a light switch for a wife. “Just look at my naked body on the bed (after a shower), who needs ‘foreplay?’” I DID. And he never understood why I was so tired.

  23. I'm literally 20 years old and I feel like I've gained so much insight from this that takes a lot of struggle to understand

  24. "She deserves to want sex too" No fucking kidding. That's it right there. Once it becomes an obligation (among many others looming before us) it just sucks all the fun out of it.

  25. This is absolutely the answer. Being pestered for sex after having a child, being so touched out, and feeling like a troglodyte killed any drive I had for sex faster than a heel crushes an ant.

  26. Ugh yes being touched out is such a thing for me! My toddlers are climbing on me ALL DAY. My husband always says to just not let them but I do like spending time with them with lots of cuddles because it'll end soon but also toddlers tend to just be touchy anyway even without actually climbing all over you. He always says he thinks it sucks I have it in me to let them climb all over me but not him. He says it feels like sex is just another chore to me and it is sometimes. I've never in my life had a high sex drive. He always has and we did almost break up over it. I enjoy sex once it's happening but I don't think about it otherwise. I don't masturbate even. I fantasize about sleeping for as long as I want in a cold dark room with not one single person asking me where something is or just walking in and out of the room. I want to cuddle and get back rubs without it turning into an argument because that's ALL I want. I know he's feeling undesirable but the kids are getting older and more independent. It'll all come back. I'm also on antidepressants. Fortunately (kinda lol) I've hated my body since my early teens so having kids didn't make me see it any worse or better than I always have so that doesn't add to my issues.

  27. So wonderfully put. I wish my husband had known then, in the years when we had such little kids, that taking sex OFF the table and just being affectionate without even the possibility of sex would actually increase our frequency and intimacy!

  28. I don't have kids but my vaginismus got bad over the past few years and what you said about the pressure and failing his the nail on the head... even if it's not intentional.

  29. I’m an atheist but you are doing gods work here. I’ve been married for a long time and it takes a while to get over your head when kids change the original dynamic. New parents it gets better, hang in there.

  30. OPs situation is not unusual. Except for maybe the lingerie. [edit] Why don’t people know / get told? Should be common knowledge.

  31. Going through these same convos with my wife, this is the best post I’ve read on Reddit in a long long time. Going back to first base sounds awful but it works over time.

  32. I recommend giving her a spa day or two... maybe even do it for her? Give her a full body massage with lots of kisses all over (not even in a sexual way) so she knows that you have absolutely no problem with her body and you are not turned off by it or touching it etc.

  33. I’m a mum of 2 very young children and I agree so much with the touched out thing. We’re having similar issues and it’s because by the end of the night when it’s just us two, I’ve already spent an entire day being clung to by little humans who rely on me and I just want to be alone whilst they sleep. It’s really rough on a relationship

  34. Hijacking because dude needs to read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. In fact everyone needs to read it. The language used in this post is revealing of the fundamental issue. Marrying someone or being in a relationship doesn't mean they owe you sex in certain quantities. It's not something that just happens. Sex is an activity shared between two consenting partners that arises out of CONTEXT.

  35. I suggest you start dieting and get in shape. And make her want you. I also suggest Weight Watchers. Get her all sorts of hot and bothered. Worst case scenario it doesn’t work and you can then fit into her lingerie.

  36. This. Just broke up with my ex because of it. Everyday doing the things that he liked but At some point I just wasn’t having fun anymore, he wouldn’t compliment pictures that I sent of myself or be there for me when I was feeling down..only his problems, his stuff, his games.

  37. Something crazy simple I started to do that revolutionized my marriage: think of nice things about her and tell her. A lot. Almost make it weird. Don't try to use them as sexual advances. Don't try to close the deal. Just think the best about your wife and say nice things to her. She will be encouraged, and you'll be reminded of all the reasons you married her in the first place.

  38. I don’t think you fucked up. I think you had a breakthrough. Your wife has told you how she is feeling and it has opened an opportunity for you both. This is your chance to get to know your wife again. To be there for her. To hear her. And in turn she you. This is a door not a wall. The result is up to you, but I advise you to allow your heart to lead the way. Your empathy. Your compassion. This is a chance to reconnect and turn it all around.

  39. Just my 2 cents but you are going about this the wrong way. Your wife needs to learn to disconnect with herself as a mother and reconnect with herself as a women. The more you look at sex as the issue the more you are attacking the symptom not the actual issue. I would suggest (which I know is hard with little kids) trying to allow her to have sometime, an hour a week or more if you can (and hopefully she can do the same for you) where she can leave the house, with no kids and do something that reminds her that she is a person. So no errands, it needs to be the gym, nails, a massage etc something that allows her to disconnect. And then I would suggest a baby sitter once a week, and you guys go out on a date. Not a boring date, a romantic date. Woo her, set the mood, date her again. But don’t ask for sex, set it up but allow her to make the last move when she is ready.

  40. Another idea is taking the kids out so she can just be home and not have to take care of anyone or anything. Clean the house, pack up for the day, leave her with a book (edit: on the table) and dinner in the fridge. Absolute bliss.

  41. THIS! You could revisit some inportant places that have a meaning for you as a couple (the place you got to know each other; first date etc).

  42. Humor can take you a long way! I think you should put her lingerie on, cook her dinner while wearing it, and don’t forget to look super sexy the entire time!

  43. This is the best. Honestly as long as it doesn't break it, realize it'll make her laugh and I'm sure you'll both agree she still rocks it better than you.

  44. Don't forget!! LEAN IN TO THE HUMOR. If you try to put it on, realize you look like a goof and then try to take it off all you will be doing is amplifying her negative feelings! You need to be willing to dance like no one can see you!

  45. You asked her, she told you it didn't fit her any more, and you just what, ignored her? Didn't listen to her because what she says doesn't matter?

  46. Yes, seriously. She's already said it doesn't fit anymore before and his response is to joke about her wearing it for other people? And then to keep mentioning that they used to have sex a lot more often like that somehow is relevant. It's just not. You've got multiple kids now, but even without, as time goes by, the amount of sex decreases typically. But you add those children... He says himself how exhausted they both are, yet he keeps nagging about lingerie and sex? Maybe make your wife's life easier and stop focusing on getting laid. She's probably more worn out than him (this come from a mom of multiple kids) as those kids are likely hanging off of her all damn day long, then there's her partner being salty about not getting laid.

  47. OP: but I tell her I love her sometimes, that should be enough to fix the damage I’ve done to to the relationship by being an entitled asshole all the time!

  48. I have two little kids, work full time, and go to school part time. Functioning on 3-6 hours a sleep most nights for five years, being touched out and mentally fried from mundane, repetitive, never ending tasks and demands? On top of a demanding job and intense school? Yeah, sex is not a priority, especially when you haven't had the bandwidth to mentally adjust to a new body. Even more so when sex is made to feel like just another task on the to do list because your partner's life wasn't upended by kids the way yours was.

  49. My husband had the same complaint. I have a wardrobe just for my corsets and lingerie and it rarely sees the light of day. We weren’t having sex at all. I didn’t feel loved or valued in our relationship. I had body hang ups, mental hang ups and all sorts of other things that wouldn’t allow my brain to switch over to sexy time mode, no matter what. Then I had a major breakdown. We’re talking screaming, crying, threatening to move out, and I mentioned divorce a couple of times. We finally spoke to each other properly after 2 years of hell. He asked me what I needed to feel good again. I told him and he got to work. He did everything he could to try and boost my self esteem, helped more around the house, showed me that I could depend on him more than I was allowing. After 6 weeks, he walked into the bedroom and got a treat. He kept up his side of the bargain, helping more etc, and life has gotten much better. We’re stronger now because we fought through it together and we’re communicating better now too. Have a serious talk with your wife. Find out what’s making her not want it and do what you can to make her feel comfortable. Candles, low lighting, pretty up the bedroom a little and make it romantic or see if she wants a little kink. Treat her to dinner and send the kids off to an aunt or baby sitter. You guys need to take time off for yourselves too and recharge. The sex will follow

  50. For real, and honestly writing all about it on TIFU on reddit is another dumb move imo. Put that effort into rebuilding

  51. Start small. In the morning ask her what you can do to make her life easier today. Tell her you appreciate her. Get the kids in on it . That's hott.

  52. This, though don't be like my husband, ask then not do the thing. That is worse than not offering because you've checked it off your mental to do list, felt the relief of one less thing to do then bam, you're chasing the garbage truck down the road at 6am because he didn't take the rubbish out like he sad.

  53. I totally get the intention behind this, but I hated when I had to tell my ex how to help me. It's like, they're adults and it's their home and all they have to do is look around and see what needs to be done. You don't have any clothes? Instead of bitching at me about laundry not being done, fucking do some laundry. It was exhausting. I felt like a really terrible manager rather than a wife.

  54. Even better, don’t ask what you can do. Just do. If you see the dishes need doing, do them (and don’t say anything about it, just do it), if the vacuuming needs doing, just do it, if the kids are pestering her for attention and you see she needs some me time, take them from her. Remember you live in the house too, so you need an even mix of who does the chores.

  55. So, she's asking for affection. You give her kisses goodbye and "even laugh with her" (wtf is that, btw?). You realize you probably give a strange dog that's cute more affection, right?

  56. But why approach it at all? She already said it didn’t fit. He needs a complete personality overhaul at this point to save his marriage imo, which won’t happen.

  57. Maybe work on making her feel sexy instead of worrying about your dick. I can tell by how you wrote this that you’re selfish as fuck. Think about someone else for once and consider how she’s feeling. Obviously she’s got some insecurities about her body. The fact that you don’t get that is shocking.

  58. YES! 1000% - if you act like another child that she has to cook for and clean up after, the last thing she needs to concern herself with is your sexual needs. It's just one more chore on her never ending list.

  59. Read Sex begins in the kitchen. Marriage is a partnership. All the little things add up. In a healthy marriage both partners want sex at some point, if they don’t something if off and needs to be worked on.

  60. OP are you stupid?? You literally accuse her of cheating with lingerie that she clearly said DOESNT FIT. I don’t think you are being a douche on purpose but that is how you are coming across here. Like a self centered and tone deaf

  61. He doesn't want any of the answers he's getting here. He wanted to hear something like, "Oh, don't worry, we all make mistakes, it'll be okay. Thuis will blow over by tomorrow!" He really just wants sex and doesn't want to put in the effort that a marriage requires.

  62. She’s a mother with multiple kids and the lingerie has been there a long time. The fact he thought “she doesn’t wear it for me, so who’s she wearing it for?” Is friggen gross.

  63. Correct. It’s not like you can’t ask but there’s a big difference between “why don’t you wear it for me?” versus “hey babe, do you know what would be really fun? I would love if you wore lingerie in the bedroom sometime, you’d look so sexy.” One approach is accusatory and inflammatory, the other is fun and exciting.

  64. OP clearly has an unhealthy relationship with sex. He was used to 1-2 times a day, and is dissatisfied with masturbating when sex is not available. Then he has the audacity to claim that somehow sex is owed to him because of their marriage, or because he "bought some lingerie for her."

  65. Things my husband does that have been destroying my marriage after kids: to believe and insist that he “needs more”, this feeling of being constantly USED, requested, required but never appreciated and listen. Everyone one NEEDS ME as If my life is only to serve! Then when I hear “you should wear lingerie for me”, is ONE MORE thing that I need to do “for other” to serve “others”. Many of us wives/mothers are tired of serving!

  66. This did not pass the vibe check on so many levels. You are jealous of phantoms? You want sex but refuse to put the emotional and relational work in. You're insecure and projecting those insecurities on to her. Go to therapy.

  67. Our 19th anniversary is in a couple days. Early on she would go full on with the lingerie, garters, the whole thing.

  68. Congratulations! So nice to see a couple last this long. Keep up the good work and here’s to another 19 years! 🥂

  69. well do YOU wear sexy undies for HER? hmmm? how about you get a banana hammock and strap yourself into it and wiggle for her once in a while. might spice up the aex life if you make her feel good about herself by making fun of yourself.

  70. I don’t think it’s the making fun of yourself part, it’s the trying to be sexy for her part. Sometimes it can feel like men just want you to be sexy for them, forgetting that we would like to see them as attractive/sexy, too. And that can mean a lot of things (often not even in the bedroom).

  71. There’s so many issues to address in this TIFU post, but you brought up a personal pet peeve of mine. It’s just astounding how many straight men don’t even have this on their radar.

  72. She’s right. It’s not about you it’s about how she feels. If she feels sexy she might wear sexy lingerie. She obviously feels insecure. Rather than complain about her not wearing it you should try and make her feel like she is the most beautiful thing in the world. If she doesn’t feel like it ever again then that’s her choice. A relationship shouldn’t be about them performing for you.

  73. The number of times you said "for me" in this post makes you sound like a petulant, entitled twat. Not once did you mention your wife's needs, and you conveniently breezed straight by "did some things to make it worse". I mean... that sounds... relevant..?

  74. On top of that the “I’m sick of using my hand” comment like sex is just a means to an end. Dude can get a toy if he’s bored. His wife deserves intimacy not whatever he’s giving her.

  75. Sounds like he made it worse by being entitled and coercing her into sex, especially by pulling the “I’m your husband, I deserve this” card — like he did HERE. I actually doubt he stopped doing this, just that he’s trying to be more subtle about pressuring her. This entire post was about how he tried to manipulate his wife into doing things for him by applying as much pressure as he can get away with before she has a panic attack or something like that.

  76. Thought I was taking crazy pills with how gentle everyone is being to op. Throughout the whole post it was not only just “me me me” but he’s deluded himself into thinking he cares about her. The worst kind of love tbh. You eloquently said everything I was thinking. What also got me was how quick he was to think she was cheating and showing off the lingerie to someone other than him. She’s exhausted most of the time and his first thought is she’s cheating. Then after he confronts her in a very accusatory with the “why don’t you wear it for me”, he follows it up with saying husbands essentially deserve their to see their wives all sexy for them no matter how they’re feeling. It’s just such a gross attitude and I’m shocked this is the first comment to break it down.

  77. Couples therapy time. You guys need to have a mediated conversation because it’s pretty clear that you both suck at bringing up things that are important to you until it comes bursting out like an uncontrolled flood, and then you don’t know how to deal with it.

  78. And let me be 100% clear: your feelings are completely valid. You were able to WANT certain kinds of intimacy and ask for those things. Your wife’s feelings are completely valid. She is allowed to set and maintain her own boundaries, and have freak out sessions about how her body changes. (We all change as we get older, but childbirth can take a baseball bat to the body. I’m not talking cosmetically either, since you don’t seem to even have a problem with that which is great, but things like long-term incontinence for example. Yay for that. Plus, despite your reassurance, she may also have body image issues.)

  79. As a mother whose body has changed dramatically post kids: please tell her what you’ve said here that you still love her body. Tell her specifically what you like about it.

  80. Stop doing things for your wife whilst holding the expectation of sex in return. She is your life partner, not your sex dispenser.

  81. I'm saving your comment because you said exactly what I was feeling but couldn't explain!! my partner and I used to have this problem, but I'm not even a mum yet. I was just depressed and exhausted from being depressed, feeling like I was running on empty. and then my partner felt insecure because he thought I just didn't find him attractive anymore (which is very untrue) but that put so much pressure on me and it didn't help me feel good and sexy at all! anyway, turns out I just needed to get off hormonal birth control, now we have a wonderful and secure sex life again. but I'm saving your comment anyway in case this kind of thing happens again. thank you so much!

  82. You asked her about the lingerie, she told you it didn’t fit anymore. So a while later you asked her about it again? Did you want to force her to admit she’s put on weight? Are you always this self-centered and cruel? Go watch some porn, you’re not worth a real woman’s time.

  83. This was maddening to read! The whole fucking post just to get to the end and he dopily realises "oh yeah you did tell me before" but wasn't listening and did nothing to actually make her feel sexy or reassure her about her weight. Busy thinking: put on these things for me, I tire of wanking.

  84. Who would just conveniently forget about someone confessing that they had gained weight and felt like shit about it like that? Actually, who would ask for sex as if it's another chore on the long list of chores for the partner to fulfill instead of something both partners had to be interested in in the first place?

  85. Reading your post, it feels like the only reason you want to have sex with your wife is because you're tired of masturbating and married couples should have sex... I bet she feels like a piece of shapeless meat in your eyes.

  86. Women who orgasm regularly want sex more regularly, yes. Are you considering her pleasure before and during the act? Do you think you are in tune with her needs and desires?

  87. Squeeze your ass into her lingerie and tell her you tried, but it’s just not working for you, and regardless you still find her beautiful and desirable.

  88. By never said anything about it so you also mean you have never said anything about how you like her body or given her any positive reinforcement about her body post kids? Might be a good place to start and to make her feel loved and cared for

  89. So the title should be "TIFU by constantly telling my wife I want to have sex with her and not thinking about her feelings"?

  90. I'm not sure why you thought coming at her in a passive aggressive and accusatory manner was going to make her want to have sex with you, but I imagine the answer is probably closely tied to why you two aren't having a lot of sex, my man.

  91. Interesting. We have no sex because ED and he won’t do anything about it. I hate it, but I’m not leaving him because of it. He’s a great human being.

  92. She said she couldn’t fit in it, and you… remembered, but decided she must be lying? And tried to pressure her into it anyway? Jesus dude. And the way you talked to her was so manipulative and gross…”iT jUsT SeEmS StRaNgE” no wonder she isn’t attracted to you anymore, your personality is rotten. Women often lose their sex drive in marriages because they come to terms with their husband being an asshole, and they can’t enjoy sex anymore after all the shit he ends up putting her through. Really doesn’t get more manipulative than “as your husband I deserve to see this” and acting innocent like you aren’t blatantly demanding it.

  93. You sound selfish. This all about you, your dick and your sexual pleasure. You never mentioned being concerned about why your wife had low sex drive. You just want her to dress up for you and submit to sex because your horny.

  94. Also OP, stop comparing your sex life to how it was when you first starting dating, because that’s just going to make the issue worse. You’re not the same people you were (I would assume at least 10 years ago) when you first started dating and in a new exciting relationship. Every other aspect of your relationship has probably evolved and changed, so it’s not fair to expect your sex life to not also change, especially after multiple children.

  95. She's experiencing something you can't instinctually understand, and it's okay if you don't. But you have to be open to the idea that men's and women's experiences, conditioning, social expectations, and internal dialog are very different. She's struggling with her body in several ways.

  96. You’re seeing your wife as an object and to dress up rather than someone who is clearly struggling with her self image and adjusting to her new body as a mom. OP, you’re a dick lol

  97. It starts in the morning if you want it tonight or even earlier in the week. At this stage, court her and make her feel desirable. Not every touch has to lead to sex and that’s where some men go.

  98. When every touch attempt leads to a push for sex, creating a weird dehumanizing feeling of pressure and expectations, a person can start to dislike being touched very quickly. Being touched can seriously become a turn off if you are feeling like your partner’s “handy” masturbatory aid

  99. Most women reeeeally need help feeling attractive, especially if they were used to a lot of attention from you or others while they were younger or when y'all were first dating. Sometimes guys just figure that's a given because why else would you have married them, be initiating sex, etc- but it's actually a pretty significant part of them getting in the mood themselves. In fact it's not uncommon at all for women to get aroused by their own bodies. Guys want to feel like they look good too but it doesn't play nearly as significant a role when it comes to intimacy in my experience.

  100. I'm assuming the kids are still relatively young here? My wife and I had similar problems when our kids were young. They take it out of you. On her end she should come out of it when the kids get a little older. The body changes having a psychological effect on her feeling sexual will eventually fade as well, you just have to do your best to let her know you find her attractive.

  101. This whole post has been written about YOU. About how the whole lack of sex is making YOU feel. I suggest you sit down and consider how your wife might be feeling here OP, maybe if you can work to make her feel better about herself then things, naturally, could come back.

  102. I can see she is exactly right. After that experience your take away is "now she is pissed at me for asking." Honestly that is what you took away from that experience. She is absolutely right, you are total self absorbed!

  103. When I was much much younger I enjoyed lingerie, but older, more jaded me just regards it as a fuck suit and now I resent it. Men don’t have to put elaborate sex costumes! But I know that lots of people like it.

  104. How do you think that's okay? Like at all? I'm talking about the way you two live with each other. Are you two even married for a reason or is it because you're afraid of being alone?

  105. Kinda skimmed over the mistakes you mentioned during therapy. That might be a bigger deal to her. What was the mistake

  106. Since from your description you don't seem to be bothered at all with her current physical appearance (if anything you wanting to have more sex tells me you still find her attractive) I would STRONGLY advise telling her to throw away the lingerie and explaining her there's nothing wrong with her body from your point of view. This is no longer about sex, it's about helping your wife build back confidence in her body, sex will come later if you take care of her. Let her feel loved.

  107. Okay I’m like 2 sentences in. Make her feel sexy. Not even when she is wearing it. Complement her when she is wearing jeans and a t-shirt. She’s your world lift her, stop clowning around.

  108. It sounds like she has a lot of insecurities about her body and you haven't actually spent time trying to help her feel more secure, just complaining about how she doesn't wear decades old lingerie for you and obviously she much wear it for someone else because you don't have sex often. Which is nonsense, you don't have sex often and she doesn't wear it for you because it doesn't feel good to her. If that what you want you should maybe try take her feel good about herself and give her the support she needs to make positive changes in her life. Because yeah, this isn't all about you.

  109. "After the first time we started going into couples counseling (she had some trauma and I made some mistakes to make things worse); the second time she basically told me I need to be more affectionate towards her, kiss her when I leave the house, say I love you."

  110. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Make her day easier. Take care of the kids and tell her to go have a girls night. She sounds stressed and tired and the last thing she wants to do is service her husband before she has time for self care.

  111. When was the last time you wore sexy lingerie for her? More importantly, when did you last take the time to make her feel good about herself and her body without trying to get something from it? When did you last talk abput sex without accusing her? This one was toughnto read dude. Sounds like the fu has been ongoing...

  112. Women get very self conscious about changes with their body. You may need to help her build her confidences back up. Be supportive and loving, this is actually pretty much all about her and how you help her through it. It's worth it.

  113. Stope being a fucking cave man, this shit was painful to read. Try thinking about her, and how exhausted she feels both physically and emotionally. Da fuck outta here with this shit

  114. A tip: praise your wife and her miracle of a body. Remind her you love her body and will gladly accept this body she feels has transformed into something she isn't used to. This body has produced so much love for you and her through creating and growing your children and youd be so much less as a human yourself and as a couple without them. Remind her of all the hard work her body has done and that it is more than enough for you. Remind her you love her body every inch and appreciate all it has done for you and that it has put in so much effort that youre over the moon happy with whatever form she is bringing to you. You dont look at her scars and see ugly you see love and will gladly embrace them for all they've done for you. That that love she has created is unbelievably sexy to you and youre just happy to have that body around to continue to create love and hold a bond with you and for your family. ♡ LOVE HER and make her FEEL IT. Im sure you do love her but she sounds like she needs to hear it so very clearly. And she deserves to hear it. It sounds like her heart and mind are in over time and she needs you to shoot your winning shot here.

  115. She will put on sexy lingerie if she wants to have sex (not when YOU want sex) and feels confident about her body. Maybe give her some ‘time off’ being a mom that she can decide for herself what she wants to do. It’s hard to turn off mom-mode.

  116. I’m also thinking she’s maybe exhausted, worn out, overwhelmed, tired. Multiple studies show women tend to do much more housework and exponentially more emotional labour. Ease these burdens for her as well.

  117. She’s probably exhausted by having to prop up your weak ego all the goddamn time. “Who else is seeing her in the lingerie?” Good god. Figure out what’s wrong with YOU first and maybe she’ll want to have sex with you again.

  118. This is why so many divorces are initiated by women. All the intimacy in the relationship is a checklist for sexual satisfaction. Not once did you mention sex within an emotional context. You directly compared sex to getting off with your hand. Clearly there's something majorly wrong in your relationship. You seem hyper fixated on sex as if it'll solve all your problems. It's also extremely alarming to how you glossed over traumatizing her sexually?? What'd you do? Honestly IF you want to keep this relationship together because you love your wife and can't live without her then do it. If you only want it to continue because it benefits you let the poor woman go so she can find love.

  119. Ngl do you actually please your wife in bed? Like.... you read as a selfish lover. You focused totally on your own needs, didn't consider her feelings and was quicker to believe she was being "shown off" to other men like what the hell is wrong with you, do most guys think like that?

  120. I notice that when most men complain about sex frequency, they aren’t upset about their partner’s needs not being met either. It’s always about their own needs not being met. I assume a lot of women with kids are pretty damn tired of it always being about someone’s else’s needs before their own and no one even asks them about how they feel, or they’re told their feelings are irrational because no one “said” that specific thing… but overall, if someone isn’t giving you what you want, it’s probably time for a more concerted effort than scheduled kisses or compliments in hopes of a reward.

  121. Your wife’s body isn’t hers anymore. It stopped being hers when she carried and birthed your children. She most likely continues to feel this way even though your kids are older (I’m assuming they aren’t babies anymore). She is constantly caring for others. Your wife deserves to want sex too. Build your wife up. Her confidence is running on fumes and it seems like she’s only been relying on herself to try and build her own self esteem up again. She needs reminders from her partner about how beautiful she is and how you see her. You didn’t mention in your post how you reassured her. She’s right, it’s not just about you. Start dating your wife again. Leave her love notes, but her little gifts, hell pick a flower from the side of the road and give it to her to let her know that you were thinking of her. Take on more of the chores and child responsibilities. Give her a day to herself and you take the kids out of the house for a few hours. Hire a sitter and take your girl out. There’s plenty you can do!

  122. “Still I get sick of using my hand” - definitely don’t say that to your wife. Also hopefully this was just a glib comment. If not maybe the reason she doesn’t want to have sex is because it just about physical gratification for you and not an intimate moment you are sharing together. (Which honestly sounds like that’s the case with her asking for more intimate acts of kissing and saying I love you).

  123. I’m a dude with your marriage and sex life. Here’s the thing; my wife doesn’t care if we have sex. She says it doesn’t matter. In one way we are different. She is thinner today than before she had 4 kids. So her body is fine. Not that it would matter. I’d be attracted to her regardless. Actually I am the one who hasn’t held up well. I’ve gained some weight. Not fat but I suffer from Dad-bod for sure.

  124. did your wife want to get thinner? like did she work for it, or did it just happen? because just because someone's thin or got thinner, doesn't mean they're happy and not insecure about it. I for one, have always been insecure about being thin, and get even more insecure when I lost some weight so I don't feel sexy when that happens. do you think she's actually happy about how her body looks now?

  125. She’s probably exhausted. How much do you help with the kids and chores around the house? How often do you take her out on dates?

  126. Never stop chasing her. Think about how you used to act when you were trying to make her fall for you. Apply it to your relationship now . I guarantee things will change for you. I got too comfortable in my first marriage and it failed. I stay conscious of it now, and it definitely has been a better ride this time around.

  127. Went through something similar but without the kids. Wife began to gain weight and began to feel unsexy, although I'd tell her otherwise. Then it hit me, that same person is in there. The person she wants to be comfortable with. Why not help her find herself again? So, we have both started doing things. I am NOT a healthy eater but I have a hilariously high metabolism and I do heavy work. So we started with challenges like seeing who can walk the most steps in a week. Who can make the healthiest food for dinner that tastes the best, etc. Showing her that effort, that I was invested in her being comfortable with herself, has done wonders for us. Watching her smile as she notices she can fit her old clothes or seeing her pride at taking a massive flight of stairs without heavy breathing, is kind of dope to witness. Meet her where she feels inadequate and show her effort in caring about it. In a healthy relationship, sex is a byproduct of intimacy.

  128. We always say sex starts in the morning. Which, definitely goes back to dating your wife. If you just start being sweet right before bed time so you can have sex? That really makes her feel undervalued and only loved because you want sex. Imagine waking up everyday and acting the way you would right before sex all day, and then, not get pissy about not having sex that night. And then do it all over again. Pursue her. It’ll make a difference, I promise.

  129. Am I the only one that isn't a big lingerie fan? Like seeing my girl in sweat pants, and a T-Shirt just looking comfortable on the couch makes me want to ravish her way more than any lingerie she's ever worn.

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